cant buy love

but i guess you can buy naughty time in a pantry. ha. started off this weeked with a hundred, finished with twenty of it. only twenty was spent on me also. no complaints whatsoever though. i enjoy being a good friend. but if i hadnt opened my mouth and said i'd pay for hookup boy i would still have most of my hundred left, if not all of it. but i go great lengths just to make hookup boy happy because i have hope that someday hopefully, he will realize that i'm a pretty amazing person. anywho hookup boy and i hooked up again. i guess it's a monthly kind of thing. he claims to have been high but then i was told that he admitted to remembering it. so i am confused, i dont know if my heart can handle just hooking up with this kid. i like him a bunch. if this is a once a month thing.....idk. idk idk idk idk

la la lameee

boys are lame. the ones i want dont want me and the ones that want me i dont want. mmkay so i met this boy and i thought he was superrr hot so i asked for his number and we started talking more and hanging out more and it was a fun friendly thing. but then he started doing things that really bugged me like make fun of Davey Havok (noone makes fun of DxH in front of me), he sent me a picture of a dead oppossum (I LOOOOVE animals), he tried to show me pictures of bongs (I HATE drugs, i think they're stupid), he talks about how he wants to get fucked up or wasted (see last parentheses), and he's mean to his friends (I'm a very very optimistic person and I put my friends before me). So of course I got annoyed with all of this because this boy was definately turning out to not be Mr. Right. So I told him I just wanted to be friends and then he got all weird and now he's acting super upset every time I see him and he's sad all the time and he gets pissed off when I try to talk to him and it's just soooooo annoying. He tells his friends he "really liked me", well I'm sorry to break his heart but if he wanted me to like him he would have been the complete opposite instead of putting down everything I stand for. Gahhhh. And the second reason i "broke it off" or whatever is because a certain boy that i kinda hooked up with twice is still invading my mind and i hate it because he's such a big flirt and i fall for it but i know it leads nowhere. just a dead end. but i cant stop thinking about him and i wish i could because i know he's bad news...he doesn't even like me. but he apparently called Upset Boy and told him not to talk to me. what the eff? why would hookup boy call upset boy and tell him not to talk to me? does that mean he likes me? or does that mean he wants to sabotage his friend? i dont know.... but i'm trying my hardest to not think about hookup boy. but that's about as easy as eating meat for me.

busy busy busy

my family is so gay. all of them. every single person, they all forgot the meaning of promises. noone sticks to their word here. i need a new family. people i can RELY on. i hate getting my hopes up and having them come crashing down. it's tiring.
Halloween was interesting. drunk hook ups are always fun. i wasn't drunk, but he was. damn.
Jamie and Kurt are back. again. this is the third time. and i'm already starting to worry about their relationship. if both of them can keep their eyes focused on each other instead of other people....everything should be okay. too bad jamie has a wandering eye. and it sucks that she has to be a big flirt at the same time too. kurt's my best friend and i wont be able to just stand back and watch him get hurt. again.
sooo.....boys are pretty lame. i have only one boy on my mind at this moment and my goal is to make out with him by the end of the school year. let's hope it works. as long as those devil twins back off my man.
in the meantime i've hooked up twice with a boy who's a pretty big manslut and i know he just sees me as a hookup and thats what i want too but at the same time i find myself becoming jealous of the other girls he talks to. eep.

what a waste

of time spent trying to get him back when he didnt even want me in the first place. according to him that was "his friend" who messaged jamie telling her he wanted me back. he doesnt like me and he doesnt want me back. the worst part is i found this out from my best friend. he couldnt even tell me in person. and yesterday i felt like i didnt even exist to him. he just completely ignored me. i think it hurt me more that he wouldnt acknowledge me then it hurt to find out he didnt like me. i pretty much wasted a bunch of my time building up hope that we would get back together. i could have spent that time trying to get over him but stupid me had to go and think there was a chance of a reonciliation. i hate it. i miss him. i hate this. and i'm angry at him. my emotions have been played with and it's horrible. it hurts.
luckily i have amazing friends that help me forget about it.

fuuuuuuuuuuckkkk

i feel like i fucked up. i lost the tiniest bit of chance i had at getting him back. because by now he has probably heard about last night, and it's probably an exaggeration. i just love how people are saying i was drunk. i dont even drink!!!! i had a sip of my sister's drink. a SIP. she had more alcohol then me i dont see why she's saying i was drunk. and accusing me of being a whore too. do you know how good that feels? to know your sister thinks you're a whore. ya not fun at all. all i did was play truth or dare, i didn't hook up with anyone. the only time i made out was because of a dare. it's a fucking dare! i'm not going to chicken out over a stupid dare.

but now i think a certain ex of mine is going to view me as a whore. or as some wild partier. and i'm not that at all. this weekend has been so full of drama and i hate it. i just wish i could have stayed home all weekend.

last night

was just a bunch of letdowns. my ex bf was there and you have no idea how badly i want him back. there was drama everywhere...at the stadium, at the park, at jack in the box, at the school, at brooke's house...everywhere. just a few days ago it seemed like he wanted me back but last night we barely even talked. it was mostly my fault, i could barely look at him without feeling the guilt of what i did the night before. and then three possibly four girls thought he was hot and they pretty much would not shut up about him. arg. and i'm sure that one of the girls could have him if she wanted because she's so pretty. hopefully i can see him today and we can talk and i can get this all sorted out and see where our feelings stand for one another. well...i already know where i stand. i would pick him without hesitation out of all the other guys.

i miss

my best friend. more than anything. funny how just a few months ago we were closer than close, and now.....idk. we both have different priorities. we've drifted, and i hate it.