run

to think i might not see those eyes
makes it so hard not to cry
and as we say our long goodbyes
i nearly do

light up light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear


OMG so last night i cried for like twenty minutes straight. i don't know what i did. apparently i was "too clingy" but i know i wasn't. i've probably spent a total of five hours with my boyfriend this entire spring break so i dont see where i come off as being clingy. so yesterday i went to the market and expected to hang out with my boyfriend but he was at the mall and that was fine because i would see him when he got back. so he gets back and i see him and i say hi and we kiss and it seems like everything is fine. and cody and i flirted for a bit and i was so happy because it just seemed like everything was good. then jamie and i left to pee and i came back and cody wasn't there so i called him and met up with him at mcdonalds. and all of a sudden it seemed like everything was different. he just went outside and sat. no flirting no talking i dont even think we made eye contact. well then after mcdonalds kurt offers to let jamie and i walk with him and cody to kurts house so i can spend some time with cody before he leaves to san francisco with kurt the next day (today) and the whole walk to kurt's house we dont even talk we dont walk next to each other its like we dont even know each other. its awkward as fuck and in the meantime i'm stressing out almost on the verge of tears because my boyfriend wont talk to me and i dont know what i did to get ignored. but it gets worse. so kurt drives jamie and i over to where everyone is hanging out so he can drop us off and the whole car ride cody just looks out the window he won't even hold my hand he won't put his arm around me it's like he's the only one in the backseat. and when we get dropped off i look over at him and i said bye and he just looked out the window. he didn't even say goodbye to me. and at that point i lost it. i could not stop crying. thomas called kurt and wanted to talk to cody but i guess cody was busy. i messaged kurt when i got home and he told me i was being clingy. what the fuck. so yeah i had mascara running down my face and i looked like shit. and i almost had a panic attack i was shaking. i dont know what i did for him to ignore me like this. he's in san francisco right now and i won't see him until sunday or monday. which means our two month anniversary tomorrow wont even be spent together. not like it's a big deal or anything. so another thing: last night kurt told me his sister tried to get with cody...and apparently she told kurt cody tried to get with her. maybe thats why cody has been ignoring me because he thinks im mad at him or he feels guilty. honestly: i don't care if he cheated on me. i just want him. i dont want to lose him. i can't handle that. he's such a good person and i can't lose him. i would die. this morning i woke up feeling like shit. i almost threw up. this is more than i can handle. what happened to my cute boyfriend? he stays the whole week at kurts house and all of a sudden he's changed and he wont even talk to me. it's killing me inside. i dont know what will happen next time i see him. i'm so scared. the next few days are going to kill me. unless he texts me. but i doubt that. since he cant even look at me why would he want to talk to me? omgggggggggggggggggggggg what did i do?????? how did this happen? :(