what a waste

of time spent trying to get him back when he didnt even want me in the first place. according to him that was "his friend" who messaged jamie telling her he wanted me back. he doesnt like me and he doesnt want me back. the worst part is i found this out from my best friend. he couldnt even tell me in person. and yesterday i felt like i didnt even exist to him. he just completely ignored me. i think it hurt me more that he wouldnt acknowledge me then it hurt to find out he didnt like me. i pretty much wasted a bunch of my time building up hope that we would get back together. i could have spent that time trying to get over him but stupid me had to go and think there was a chance of a reonciliation. i hate it. i miss him. i hate this. and i'm angry at him. my emotions have been played with and it's horrible. it hurts.
luckily i have amazing friends that help me forget about it.

fuuuuuuuuuuckkkk

i feel like i fucked up. i lost the tiniest bit of chance i had at getting him back. because by now he has probably heard about last night, and it's probably an exaggeration. i just love how people are saying i was drunk. i dont even drink!!!! i had a sip of my sister's drink. a SIP. she had more alcohol then me i dont see why she's saying i was drunk. and accusing me of being a whore too. do you know how good that feels? to know your sister thinks you're a whore. ya not fun at all. all i did was play truth or dare, i didn't hook up with anyone. the only time i made out was because of a dare. it's a fucking dare! i'm not going to chicken out over a stupid dare.

but now i think a certain ex of mine is going to view me as a whore. or as some wild partier. and i'm not that at all. this weekend has been so full of drama and i hate it. i just wish i could have stayed home all weekend.

last night

was just a bunch of letdowns. my ex bf was there and you have no idea how badly i want him back. there was drama everywhere...at the stadium, at the park, at jack in the box, at the school, at brooke's house...everywhere. just a few days ago it seemed like he wanted me back but last night we barely even talked. it was mostly my fault, i could barely look at him without feeling the guilt of what i did the night before. and then three possibly four girls thought he was hot and they pretty much would not shut up about him. arg. and i'm sure that one of the girls could have him if she wanted because she's so pretty. hopefully i can see him today and we can talk and i can get this all sorted out and see where our feelings stand for one another. well...i already know where i stand. i would pick him without hesitation out of all the other guys.

i miss

my best friend. more than anything. funny how just a few months ago we were closer than close, and now.....idk. we both have different priorities. we've drifted, and i hate it.