breathe carolina

was amazing at chain. except when faggot ass jeffree star showed up on stage. but damn, breathe carolina is seriously the hottest band alive!!! omg i think i jizzed like 5094839729 times last night. and danger radio and envy on the coast were awsome too. so afterwards jamie and i were waiting outside of chain in the rain and who asks us if we want to hang out in their van???? BREATHE CAROLINA!!! like omg one of my favorite bands asked if we wanted to hang with them!! i almost pissed myself. and they were super chill dudes and it was like the funnest show ever. it made me really happy.
until i get a txt saying c hooked up with some chick. but he was drunk, whatev. i'm still super upset that i lost kurt. he was a really good friend. but maybe he'll come back. hopefully me and hunter stay friends. and me and and bre are good. i'm really glad that i didn't lose her over this.
and tomorrow will be interesting....
hopefully it doesnt rain while i'm at school
p.s. i talked to steph today and it made me happy because i have missed her a lot
and i'm not just writing that because you read these steph haha. i mean it.

oh dearr

i fucked up. i think i'm losing one of my closest friends over a boy. and it sucks. last night i felt so many emotions...angry, excited, scared, nervous, happy, really happy, really really really happy, relief, guilt, frustration, worry, upset, confused, embarassment, dirty (okay so i dont think dirty is an emotion but wtfever). last night was crazy. i hooked up with hookup boy again..this time going a bit too far...i was also heavily under the influence of some smirnoff. well my friends weren't too happy about what they walked up on me doing. and pretty much all of the guys were angry at hookup boy the whole night. and my really good friend Hunter wont even talk to me :( to make things worse, i hooked up with my super close friends ex who she wanted to get back with. and now i feel like i'm losing her. meanwhile i'm developing feelings for her ex. and this whole situation sucksssssss because i feel like i finally found a decent guy but i cant have him :( gahhhhhhhh
p.s. jamie got shitfaced and threw up three times haha
p.s.s. running from the police is like the scariest thing in the world

amazing

how such a tiny person like me can have so much anger welled up inside of them...i was looking at the blender today and all of the buttons made me think of what i'd like to do to some people.....chop, puree, shred, beat, liquefy....wow. i just want my sister to be happy!! how hard is that?!!! pretty fucken hard apparently because some people are already claiming to be "in love". pathetic i tell you. pull your head out of your selfish ass and realise how much hurt you have caused such an amazing person! my sister is my life, therefore you are bringing ME down at the same time. i love that girl more than anything else in this whole wide world and you're really causing stress in not just her life but mine at the same time. where the fuck is your respect? boys with self respect my ass, you should just delete that group because you are the farthest thing from having self respect. oh yeah i called some bitch out and she was a chicken shit and had nothing to say back to me. everyone in this damn world is so fucking pathetic. she must know i can kick her ass. i'm not trying to brag or anything, i'm just saying that i'm down for my shit and i know i can hurt someone. excuse me for venting, but this is my blog and you dont have to read it. grow a pair, asshole. gahhhhh. anywho, so last night me and hookup boy hooked up again. right in front of my sister :/ but she got him too before me that night. so i guess i got her sloppy seconds...idk. it was weird, he was really high and it just kind of happened. i feel bad though.... and i kinda am liking a guy who's off limits..... fuckity fuck fuck.

r.i.p heath

wow, as if these past six days couldn't get any more depressing. well turns out they can. heath ledger, my FAVORITE actor is dead. :( gah. how depressing, he was so amazing. and hot. and a real genuine person. he will forever be missed :( well let's see....i lost my best friend. i did and it sucks. because i am getting blamed for telling cody. well exfuckingscuse me but if i was in his place i would want to know the my girlfriend was being a whore and letting other boys feel her up. fuck and shit and tits you assholes. i can't fucking believe how some inconsiderate selfish assholes can turn the blame around and point it in every damn direction but at themselves. WELL FUCK YOU!!!! i will defend my sister until my last breath and i wont fucking let anyone ever bring her down. oh no, you've messed with the wrong sister. i would like to give a big fuck you to Izzy, Vee, Kurt, the little fucking mermaid and any other bitch that wants to get in my way. I can't believe how inconsiderate you dumb whores are!!!! and my beautiful, amazing sister is being dragged down from all of this. how could you break her heart like that???????? fuck you. do you not know she truly loved you. she's dumb for wanting to still take you back. after you broke up with her because you're in love with a girl who HAS A BOYFRIEND. well dumbass, if she leaves her bf for you what makes you think she wont do it to you???? seriously kurt, i love you and all, but you are pretty fucking stupid. jamie did not deserve any of this. and i can count all of the friends you lost over this on my fingers and toes. don't believe this selfish whore wont fuck you over because i know she will. and dont count on running back to jamie for a rebound fuck because the only action you'll get is from the long hard dick called reality. so grow a pair and enjoy the life you make out for yourself and i hope you're happy with your new gf who still has a bf and may you two be happy and alone together because don't count on ever fully regaining my respect. you've seriously hurt me this time. karma's a bitch. i'm so disappointed in you, i truly thought of you as a friend.
Jamie, I love you to death and it hurts me terribly to see you go through this because you of all people do not need this kind of bull shit. If you need me, I'll always be here for you. And I've got your back if you want to do some ass whooping.

ready set go

jamie is depressed....still. it hurts me to see her so sad. and i'm stuck in the middle because kurt is my best friend yet she is my sister. however i'm definately more on my sister's side for this argument. he's disrespecting her by being all over a girl who has a boyfriend. i cant believe he broke up with her over some girl with a boyfriend gah. she sounds a lot like the old me. but i've behaved myself very well, not giving into the temptation of flirting with boys with girlfriends/fiancees/wives haha. speaking of such, damion txted me out of the blue, and also, speaking of boys with girlfriends i saw matt today at big slice. woops i typed his name instead of his alter ego (my personal sunshine) whatever. back to my ranting about kurt and his new flame- i love him to death but he really shouldn't try to turn everyone against each other. and if my bf was her bf, i would not want to leave him for kurt. but whatever that's just my opinion. and now that dumb bitch skank izzy is getting involved in the argument and i just want to slam her ugly ass flat asian face into a curb. there are plenty of people who would love to see that. mmm so yesterday i got buzzed for the first time, and hunter helped me not make a fool of myself. if he wasn't there i probably would have gotten naked. luckily i only took off my dress haha. wow. but it was super fun and it made me happy and i want to do it again next weekend, as alcoholic as that may sound. i really really really wanted to hook up with hookup boy but he didn't want to take advantage of me i guess, psh. he wouldn't have taken advantage of me because i would have wanted it!! gah. boys are lame. and i love them. three day week this week for school. woo more days to party haha. oh yeah, vodka and cactus cooler is the grossest thing i have ever tasted. but it makes me feel good hahahahaha. wow i am rambling on and on and i probably sound like an alcoholic. whatever. i totally feel like i'm forgetting a bunch of stuff to write. it will come to me.

lets take a stroll

I lie, I waitI stop, I hesitateI am, I breatheI meant, I think of me Is it any wonder I can't sleep?All I have is all you gave to meIs it any wonder I found peace through you?Turn to the gates of heaven, to myself be damnedTurn away from lightIt's not enough, just a touchIt's not enoughI taste, I loveI come, I bleed enoughI hate, I'm notI was, I want too much

Still each time I always meant,Every word,Every one.Though in time they finally bent,Every word,Every one.Every word."I will wait for you." She said,Endlessly."I will wait for you." So spoke,Misery.
I swear that I can go on forever againPlease let me know that my one bad day will endI will go down as your lover, your friendGive me your lips and with one kiss we begin Are you afraid of being aloneCause I am, I'm lost without youAre you afraid of leaving tonightCause I am, I'm lost without you
Oh baby dont you know I suffer? Oh baby can you hear me moan? You caught me under false pretenses How long before you let me go?
I thought I was a fool for no-one Oh baby I'm a fool for you


mm yeah those lyrics pretty much sum up how i'm feeling right now. i only have one boy on my mind. my personal sunshine is completely off the list :( he can enjoy his new gf, that dumb midget red headed bitch. and my ex? well let's just hope i have the strength to keep his title at that. i don't know if i can handle getting hurt again by him. even though he's sooo cute and sweet and funny and unbelieveably adorable. finally: hookup boy. gah. it seems like there are so many girls that want him and oh so many he wants back. we flirt a whole lot but he flirts with just about anything with a vagina. i like like like him a whole lot. but idk. i really hate having my emotions messed with. and there are so many sluts all up on him all the time i'm just sick of it. but i don't want to give up hope, yet a little part of me does. idk idk idk. i want him. i really do. but who knows where this relationship will head. i used to be able to know exactly who my best friends were but i'm having trouble naming just one. it seems like everything is drifting away from me. i can only try to win them back. but how? today is my very first best friend's birthday, i miss her terribly. i really really do. she is such an amazing girl and i hope that wherever she is, whatever she's doing, i hope she's happy because she is one of the few genuine people who deserve the best. hopefully she can come back into my life.
gah i have a whole bunch of negative emotions welled up inside me and i wish i could release them but my tear ducts are being stubborn. something make me cry please. a long hard cry would make me feel so good.

mmmyeah

i'm too lazy to correct my misspellings in the last post. but whatever. gah. i seriously can't believe it. :(

ex asked me on a date today but that isn't happening.
hookup boy is a bipolar flirt, every other day i get my emotions played with. it's tiring.

all hope is lost.

oh my lfjsklfjahfka;a

i can't breathe. today just dramatically got a whjole lot WORSE. the boy of my dreams for three whole years has a fucking jksfdksajkhfjksahfsjkahskh i think i'm going to be sick. i can't fucking believe it. fuck that. i'm not going to his show. i can't see sfjklksjfsajfasj oh god and the thought of them kissing like ah. i'm seriously going to puke. holy shit. fuck fuck fuck. this week was pretty freaking good until about yesterday. and today has just gotten worse. and i can only imagine it will get worse. i had so much to type and my mind is blank. shoot me in the face.

Get Low

New Years Eve was a total letdown. I had TWO boys in mind for my new years kiss and neither of them had the balls to kiss me. That's what I get for liking younger men. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Um well on the 29th me and hookup boy did what we're good at: hooking up. It's completely a once a month thing i've noticed. Lame. But we did cutesy stuff that made my heart all a flutter and gave me hope he had feelings for me. Until.... he barely talks to me the next day. Ah so lame. And on that very same night that me and hookup boy askfjksafhksahfajk who shows up? none other than my ex. the only boy who ever broke my heart. that kinda played with my emotions in the beginning, i felt sort of guilty to flirt with hookup boy in front of him. but i did anyways... ah. but ex flirted with me too. and i kinda had a feeling he liked me again...which is good....or not. idk. i don't know if i can be vulnerable again and risk my heart getting broken. so anywho, after coming home i got a txt from ex and he was totally drunk haha. long story short he ended up saying i love you........ maybe it was just the friendly i love you but i was still taken back because that was the first time he had ever said that. i always figured i would have been the first one to say it. jlsfhjsafhasljah me and kurt reconciled. we didn't talk about it or anything it just sort of happened, we were friendly to each other again. mm yep well tomorrow hopefully i can see my sunshine. and roll and throw my weinuhs and buns at the beyotches. i feel like i'm missing something...like i had more to write about. it will hit me.