i just want to be happy again

red flags and long nights

my lips are bruised and swollen. half of that is covellos fault though hahaha. i'm so tired. i feel weak. didn't go to school today because i felt dizzy. haven't eaten much. fuck animal planet. damn meerkat manor. fucking shakespeare died. he limped all the way home just to die safely. thats so depressing, crying gives me headaches. i have like no energy and when i stand up i get lightheaded. pain pills don't help. my mouth is torn up inside and all i can eat are liquids or soft foods. chewing hurts too much. i hope everythings better by tomorrow since i got an ortho appointment. 

of all things in the world

animals are by far my favorite :) i don't have a favorite animal really though. they all make me happy. i wish i could explain it but just seeing like a dog on the street makes me so happy. i could not be anymore certain that i want to work with animals one day. i probably sound like a complete nerd but whatever. every animal is amazing just in its own way and i sincerely hope that everyone in this world feels as passionate towards something like i feel towards animals. it truly is an amazing feeling and i can't wait until i finally transfer to moorpark's zoo program. 

actuallyyyy the kudu:

just might be my favorite animal. or maybe a giraffe. or a lion.

vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i should be mad at you but i'm more mad at myself

for letting it happen and for being stupid enough to think you thought differently of me

i didnt think you had the audacity to treat me like all the other sluts you fuck

akjfjkdsahfjkashjkasfjaasfjksdjkfasjkajkh

fuuuuuuck the weather. its too hot to think straight. blah.
i need something new in my life i just dont know what yet.
everythings just going so wrong.

mondays suck

especially today. i had to talk to campus security because i was sexually harassed by some fuckass today. ugh i felt so violated. i don't really feel like going into detail but it was such a shocking experience. i'm so mad at myself for trusting people too easily. if i wasn't so nice i would have been able to handle the situation better but because i have to be nice to everyone i put myself in a dangerous situation and am very lucky it didn't turn into anything more severe. lets see if i can sleep tonight.

i don't even know where to begin. the past four days have been a rollercoaster of emotions. thursday i felt really rushed into making a decision and i regretted saying yes to something when my entire heart wasn't fully in it. and it took four loooong days for me to finally get the courage to explain how i truly felt and i actually am proud of myself for being able to vent my feelings. but it fucking sucks at the same time because i'm hurting someone. i gotta do this for myself i guess. last night was interesting to say the least... but its only left me more confused. i got what i've been wanting for quite a while but its the uncertainty that kills me. like what now? there's a 99 percent chance that nothing is going to change from this but there's that one percent that could change EVERYTHING. i don't know how many people would actually be supportive though. i still cant believe last night happened. maybe it was just the alcohol that caused it though. nahhhh.

i care so fucking much

about every single friend. have you ever seen forrest gump and that part where forrest sees jenny in that car with the guy so he pulls open the door and starts beating that guy? well thats how i feel when a friend, especially jamie, is hurt. its probably not the healthiest reaction but its how i get. i just wanna beat the shit out of the person who hurt my friend. its the only time when i get angry and when i get angry i get like hulk status dude. its scary. anyways, i wish people cared about me the way i cared about them.  i don't even care how close of a friend it is or even if its just a person who's kind of a friend, i feel the same about everyone. yesterday bre called me saying some bitch gave her weed laced with pcp and it pissed me off so fucking much. what kind of a person would do that? it killed me knowing i couldn't get to her to make her feel better because she was off in compton and theres no way i was going to be able to get to compton. but yeah, i would feel the same way if it was anyone else that called me and told me the same thing. i don't know what i was trying to get at, i guess i'm just trying to say i care. because i really fucking do. and more people need to care in this world. especially during such depressing times like this. 

homework sucks

especially during spring break

buttt the word alive is playing at chain june 19 and that makes me so fucking happy because they're my favorite band :)

you will never be the same

so watch me, watch me... grow.

you think you know the way?

but the way that you're coming is the way that i'm leaving.

oh, you're pushing you're pressing now.

these words that you're saying,

they fall from your lips and i'm not even listening.

we've wasted so much time, pretending that you cared.

please let me go... where you belong. 

i need a job. schools over soon. i gotta get all the shit finalized and whatnot. ugh. stress.

salem died last night :(

i'm so confused :/ its really hard being in kurts house at night. a lot of things have been really hard lately and i need support but i don't know where i'm going to get it. 

my cat is slowly dying before my eyes and my parents aren't taking to get him euthanized. i dont know why. i can't stand this. i don't handle losses easily. obviously.

kidney failure

:(

i fucking hate this. i don't know what to do. the only treatment is to get him on an IV for a few days at a vet hospital. theres no way we can afford that. so what the fuck do we do? i can't imagine what the house would be like without salem. i grew up with that cat for the past twelve years of my life i can't remember what life was like before we got him. everyone goes through the loss of a pet and you think i would be able to handle it better this time around since we put peanut down in december but its not better its just worse. i'm so sad. what a way to start off spring break.

apple jacks

the thursday market is tonight! i can't wait! its going to be cold though :/ shittt tomorrow is the beginning of my spring break i'm pretty excited. my kitty is still sick. he's been throwing up for the past three days straight and barely eating. ahhhh i'm kinda scared. i already lost one kitty before christmas i can't lose this one now. theres so much stress going on in my life. besides worrying about salem i have to keep my grades up until the last day of school in may and i gotta get all my school shit done like meetings and writing center hours. i feel like i'm losing my friends. djklajlkasjkslajaksakakaklbuttfuck.