been a while

merry christmas and happy kwanzaa. i'm currently fighting with my best guy friend and that is not good. it sucks feeling like shit. i don't know if it's my fault, it partly is i guess because i'm so stubborn and then i let my anger fly after it's built up for so long. but it's his fault too! being hypocritical and an attention seeker are the first things that come to my head right now when i think of him. gahhh. hopefully we make up tomorrow at the bonfire. hopefully hook up boy comes. hopefully. boys are on the lame list right now. boy numero uno: likes someone else. boy numero dos: unattainable, busy, turned off by stalkerish friend. boy numero tres: i've tried my hardest to obtain this boy but it just isn't working. why can't he want a girlfriend? and why can't he see that i can be a really amazing one? :/ ahhhh. there is so much in my life that i feel like i'm missing. i don't know what or who will fill the emptiness but it better come soon. i don't even know what i'm looking for but i know there's something out there i have to find. soon. or i will go crazy. and i kinda have an idea of what i need to fill that space but it's such a lame and selfish idea and it probably won't happen how i want it to. and this blog is pretty freaking confusing. almost as confusing as pirates of the caribbean 3. wtf? wow i think you have to be high to watch it or something. and i tried to watch halloween last night but that was such an over sexed movie i got sick and turned it off. note to self: go to angelos and vincis more. superrr hot waiter.

i'm a terrible person

because i've been a bad friend. in more ways than one. not just to one person, to a few different people. normally i'm not like this, normally i am the best friend in the world. i still am being exceptionally kind. but this past week i lied and talked behind someone's back and overall i have just been feeling like a really shitty friend. i don't know what's overcome me. i feel like crap. i really do. i've been so depressed since the beginning of this week and it's only the second day. gahhhh i hope i hope i hope that this phase doesn't last too long. i just want things to go back to how they used to be. when i felt like i was truly the best friend ever.

and ahh i miss my besty so so so much.

jamiebobamie

i'm super sorry for ditching you last night. you should have been there. i finally saw audacity play after waiting three straight weeks, and it ALMOST got cancelled again. i kinda got my best friend mad at me and that put me in a bad mood all day. but i deserved it. a lot of things are totally going in the opposite direction i had hope they would go in. hookup boy and i aren't even flirting anymore. and mr. sunshine has L, who he's had for a year even thought they've never been official but there's still something going on between them. and the only way for me to have a thing with sunshine boy is to approach him first and i'm not the approaching kind of person. but he is oh so cute and i've wanted him foreverrrrr so i can't give up. you should have seen me last night, i tried so hard NOT to stare at him the entire night but that was pretty damn hard.
mkay so lately this one boy who was basically five whole months of regret has been trying to come back into my life. and i'm trying so hard to just completely erase him from my mind but he always seems to pop back in it right when i think he's forgotten. and honestly jamie, i am sorry and i know i cant say it enough but i truly am. i failed you as a sister and as a best friend. i cant believe i put a boy in front of our relationship. it was not worth it. you mean the world to me and i will never ever let another idiot interfere with the audasisters :) especially one like that Asshole. i can't believe i wasted five months of my life on lies and false hopes. i love you to death jamie.

sick

i threw up four times last night. it was so gross. i haven't thrown up in like a million years, i forgot what it was like haha. so every time i hook up with hookup boy i get more attached. i've fallen pretty hard for this kid and it sucks. i don't know what i can do to distract myself from getting more attached to him. there's only one other boy i'm attracted to: my personal sunshine. every time i see that boy my head becomes clouded and i'm at a loss for words. he's given me butterflies for three straight years. ahh. he was the reason i went to work every day this summer haha. damn he's cute.
anywho, i'm going to see his band play on saturday. i'm excited. they better play my favorite song.
Juno comes out tomorrow in theaters, but they said it comes out in "selected theaters". well one of those "selected theaters" better be by me. the movie looks really really good.
ew so yesterday jamie and i and everyone were hanging out at the park and then bozo the clown and her crack head friend walked up. awkward. this blog is pretty freaking random. maybe because i cant think straight because i haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning.

im sick

and it's lame. but everyone seems to be sick so i'm not missing out on much. i have been in the mood for some audacity but the past two weeks both of their shows have been cancelled or moved somewhere else. my throat's killing me. jamie's out with kurt. i'm kinda glad i'm not with them because i have been becoming quite annoyed with them always together all lovey dovey, maybe it's just because i want a bf. but there are only two boys i like: hookup boy and boyivelikedforthreeyearswhoisamazinglyhot. and frankly i dont see either of them becoming my bf any time soon. oh well. being sick is boring. my family is so boring. i want to go to the zoo sooooooo bad. the san diego one to be exact. i hope the animals aren't too cold during this time of year. haha. christmas is in twenty three days. twenty three!!!! omg!!!! haha. lame. it's a conspiracy people! anywho, i have a christmas list for all of my friends, i just haven't gone out and bought their presents yet. as soon as i get better. i promise.

cant buy love

but i guess you can buy naughty time in a pantry. ha. started off this weeked with a hundred, finished with twenty of it. only twenty was spent on me also. no complaints whatsoever though. i enjoy being a good friend. but if i hadnt opened my mouth and said i'd pay for hookup boy i would still have most of my hundred left, if not all of it. but i go great lengths just to make hookup boy happy because i have hope that someday hopefully, he will realize that i'm a pretty amazing person. anywho hookup boy and i hooked up again. i guess it's a monthly kind of thing. he claims to have been high but then i was told that he admitted to remembering it. so i am confused, i dont know if my heart can handle just hooking up with this kid. i like him a bunch. if this is a once a month thing.....idk. idk idk idk idk

la la lameee

boys are lame. the ones i want dont want me and the ones that want me i dont want. mmkay so i met this boy and i thought he was superrr hot so i asked for his number and we started talking more and hanging out more and it was a fun friendly thing. but then he started doing things that really bugged me like make fun of Davey Havok (noone makes fun of DxH in front of me), he sent me a picture of a dead oppossum (I LOOOOVE animals), he tried to show me pictures of bongs (I HATE drugs, i think they're stupid), he talks about how he wants to get fucked up or wasted (see last parentheses), and he's mean to his friends (I'm a very very optimistic person and I put my friends before me). So of course I got annoyed with all of this because this boy was definately turning out to not be Mr. Right. So I told him I just wanted to be friends and then he got all weird and now he's acting super upset every time I see him and he's sad all the time and he gets pissed off when I try to talk to him and it's just soooooo annoying. He tells his friends he "really liked me", well I'm sorry to break his heart but if he wanted me to like him he would have been the complete opposite instead of putting down everything I stand for. Gahhhh. And the second reason i "broke it off" or whatever is because a certain boy that i kinda hooked up with twice is still invading my mind and i hate it because he's such a big flirt and i fall for it but i know it leads nowhere. just a dead end. but i cant stop thinking about him and i wish i could because i know he's bad news...he doesn't even like me. but he apparently called Upset Boy and told him not to talk to me. what the eff? why would hookup boy call upset boy and tell him not to talk to me? does that mean he likes me? or does that mean he wants to sabotage his friend? i dont know.... but i'm trying my hardest to not think about hookup boy. but that's about as easy as eating meat for me.

busy busy busy

my family is so gay. all of them. every single person, they all forgot the meaning of promises. noone sticks to their word here. i need a new family. people i can RELY on. i hate getting my hopes up and having them come crashing down. it's tiring.
Halloween was interesting. drunk hook ups are always fun. i wasn't drunk, but he was. damn.
Jamie and Kurt are back. again. this is the third time. and i'm already starting to worry about their relationship. if both of them can keep their eyes focused on each other instead of other people....everything should be okay. too bad jamie has a wandering eye. and it sucks that she has to be a big flirt at the same time too. kurt's my best friend and i wont be able to just stand back and watch him get hurt. again.
sooo.....boys are pretty lame. i have only one boy on my mind at this moment and my goal is to make out with him by the end of the school year. let's hope it works. as long as those devil twins back off my man.
in the meantime i've hooked up twice with a boy who's a pretty big manslut and i know he just sees me as a hookup and thats what i want too but at the same time i find myself becoming jealous of the other girls he talks to. eep.

what a waste

of time spent trying to get him back when he didnt even want me in the first place. according to him that was "his friend" who messaged jamie telling her he wanted me back. he doesnt like me and he doesnt want me back. the worst part is i found this out from my best friend. he couldnt even tell me in person. and yesterday i felt like i didnt even exist to him. he just completely ignored me. i think it hurt me more that he wouldnt acknowledge me then it hurt to find out he didnt like me. i pretty much wasted a bunch of my time building up hope that we would get back together. i could have spent that time trying to get over him but stupid me had to go and think there was a chance of a reonciliation. i hate it. i miss him. i hate this. and i'm angry at him. my emotions have been played with and it's horrible. it hurts.
luckily i have amazing friends that help me forget about it.

fuuuuuuuuuuckkkk

i feel like i fucked up. i lost the tiniest bit of chance i had at getting him back. because by now he has probably heard about last night, and it's probably an exaggeration. i just love how people are saying i was drunk. i dont even drink!!!! i had a sip of my sister's drink. a SIP. she had more alcohol then me i dont see why she's saying i was drunk. and accusing me of being a whore too. do you know how good that feels? to know your sister thinks you're a whore. ya not fun at all. all i did was play truth or dare, i didn't hook up with anyone. the only time i made out was because of a dare. it's a fucking dare! i'm not going to chicken out over a stupid dare.

but now i think a certain ex of mine is going to view me as a whore. or as some wild partier. and i'm not that at all. this weekend has been so full of drama and i hate it. i just wish i could have stayed home all weekend.

last night

was just a bunch of letdowns. my ex bf was there and you have no idea how badly i want him back. there was drama everywhere...at the stadium, at the park, at jack in the box, at the school, at brooke's house...everywhere. just a few days ago it seemed like he wanted me back but last night we barely even talked. it was mostly my fault, i could barely look at him without feeling the guilt of what i did the night before. and then three possibly four girls thought he was hot and they pretty much would not shut up about him. arg. and i'm sure that one of the girls could have him if she wanted because she's so pretty. hopefully i can see him today and we can talk and i can get this all sorted out and see where our feelings stand for one another. well...i already know where i stand. i would pick him without hesitation out of all the other guys.

i miss

my best friend. more than anything. funny how just a few months ago we were closer than close, and now.....idk. we both have different priorities. we've drifted, and i hate it.

ah fuck

ex bf just written about? ya i just found out that he told my sister that "he wants me more than ever" now. and he doesnt think i would give him a second chance. wtf. wtf. wtf?!!!! omg. um hello i dont know what to do. i still like him and would LOVE if we were together again but what about the girls he flirts with? and i've started to like other guys too. can we just throw it all away and start over again? we'll see what happens. goodness. maybe he'll be at the market today.

wow.

boys sure are horny when they're high.
the funniest part is them not remembering anything they did when they come back to school the next day.
mmkay so this boy was pretty much all over me last night and he doesnt remember... i dont know if i should mention it to him and tell him what he did. i dont know if that would make our friendship more awkward or if it will push more towards a relationship. but then again i dont even think i would want a relationship with a boy who gets high almost every day. i just like the attention i get from him. i think the only way i acted last night was because i was hurt over finding out about a certain ex bf that im not exactly over yet asking some girl to homecoming. the thought of him pursuing another girl kills me. but i see the unfairness in my thinking. i dont know... life is a mess. is there ever a time when it will be easy??

p.s. those who read this are probably thinking i had sex by the way i worded things haha. i didn't. still a virgin. don't worry. we didn't even kiss. well once. but it was like a three second frencher haha.

wtfever

i can flirt all i want.
and i can enjoy it.
i shouldn't feel bad.
im not taken.
so why do i get all pissy when i see him flirting?
gahh i'm such a selfish whore.
i felt like a whore today.
just cuz i wasn't acting like myself.
but i liked it.
honestly i dont see a relationship coming out of it though.
i dont think a boy like that is ideal for a person like me.
no bueno.
i just like the attention from him.

just when

you think life is going good and you think you can handle it and you think you're over him, you see a picture of him and your heart stops, your head feels funny, and the feelings come rushing back. life is a confusing mess. i feel like i dove into quicksand and i'm slowly pulling myself out but just when i think i'm there it sucks me back in.

OMFG

i dont care! why is it so hard for people to listen? i just want people to listen but every time i try to talk about my problems they are ignored and i have to go on listening to their problems or how fabulous their life is going right now. i have spent my whole life listening to people and helping them with their problems is it too much to ask to have that in return? i just need someone to listen!!! i dont want to hear about your life because i want you to help me with mine. i've listened to your same shit over and over. just listen to me now. if you're not going to listen then at least shut up because your shit just makes me more upset. is this too much to ask?

healing.

bought the blessthefall cd today (currently listening to), bought cute new shoes, got a good chocolate bar :) anddd went outside to discover a new set of kittens. break ups are hard, but it's the simple things in life that take your mind away from it. it feels like halloween. i have the strongest urge to be at knotts scary farm right now. i love the atmosphere there, minus the annoying screaming girls. :/ i have so much to say but noone will listen.
"i never had the chance to explain myself, i never had the chance to apologize, but you will not die."

fjdqshklasg

it kills me to look at him and know he's not mine anymore.
for the first time in my life, i have had my heart broken. and it sucks. we'll still be friends though. and maybe when things start falling into place, we can be more again. i'm a very patient girl.

Mmmm

I've stopped hating people. It's my last year of high school and I dont want to waste it hating people and having enemies. I do not hate anyone anymore. There is one person I strongly strongly strongly dislike but I don't hate him. Everyone else I used to hate I just feel sorry for. I want to scream at everyone and tell them that what they are doing is wrong and they are messing up their life but I'm not one to preach. Besides, I'm not perfect. I have my own faults. I just wish everyone listened.