been a while

merry christmas and happy kwanzaa. i'm currently fighting with my best guy friend and that is not good. it sucks feeling like shit. i don't know if it's my fault, it partly is i guess because i'm so stubborn and then i let my anger fly after it's built up for so long. but it's his fault too! being hypocritical and an attention seeker are the first things that come to my head right now when i think of him. gahhh. hopefully we make up tomorrow at the bonfire. hopefully hook up boy comes. hopefully. boys are on the lame list right now. boy numero uno: likes someone else. boy numero dos: unattainable, busy, turned off by stalkerish friend. boy numero tres: i've tried my hardest to obtain this boy but it just isn't working. why can't he want a girlfriend? and why can't he see that i can be a really amazing one? :/ ahhhh. there is so much in my life that i feel like i'm missing. i don't know what or who will fill the emptiness but it better come soon. i don't even know what i'm looking for but i know there's something out there i have to find. soon. or i will go crazy. and i kinda have an idea of what i need to fill that space but it's such a lame and selfish idea and it probably won't happen how i want it to. and this blog is pretty freaking confusing. almost as confusing as pirates of the caribbean 3. wtf? wow i think you have to be high to watch it or something. and i tried to watch halloween last night but that was such an over sexed movie i got sick and turned it off. note to self: go to angelos and vincis more. superrr hot waiter.

i'm a terrible person

because i've been a bad friend. in more ways than one. not just to one person, to a few different people. normally i'm not like this, normally i am the best friend in the world. i still am being exceptionally kind. but this past week i lied and talked behind someone's back and overall i have just been feeling like a really shitty friend. i don't know what's overcome me. i feel like crap. i really do. i've been so depressed since the beginning of this week and it's only the second day. gahhhh i hope i hope i hope that this phase doesn't last too long. i just want things to go back to how they used to be. when i felt like i was truly the best friend ever.

and ahh i miss my besty so so so much.

jamiebobamie

i'm super sorry for ditching you last night. you should have been there. i finally saw audacity play after waiting three straight weeks, and it ALMOST got cancelled again. i kinda got my best friend mad at me and that put me in a bad mood all day. but i deserved it. a lot of things are totally going in the opposite direction i had hope they would go in. hookup boy and i aren't even flirting anymore. and mr. sunshine has L, who he's had for a year even thought they've never been official but there's still something going on between them. and the only way for me to have a thing with sunshine boy is to approach him first and i'm not the approaching kind of person. but he is oh so cute and i've wanted him foreverrrrr so i can't give up. you should have seen me last night, i tried so hard NOT to stare at him the entire night but that was pretty damn hard.
mkay so lately this one boy who was basically five whole months of regret has been trying to come back into my life. and i'm trying so hard to just completely erase him from my mind but he always seems to pop back in it right when i think he's forgotten. and honestly jamie, i am sorry and i know i cant say it enough but i truly am. i failed you as a sister and as a best friend. i cant believe i put a boy in front of our relationship. it was not worth it. you mean the world to me and i will never ever let another idiot interfere with the audasisters :) especially one like that Asshole. i can't believe i wasted five months of my life on lies and false hopes. i love you to death jamie.

sick

i threw up four times last night. it was so gross. i haven't thrown up in like a million years, i forgot what it was like haha. so every time i hook up with hookup boy i get more attached. i've fallen pretty hard for this kid and it sucks. i don't know what i can do to distract myself from getting more attached to him. there's only one other boy i'm attracted to: my personal sunshine. every time i see that boy my head becomes clouded and i'm at a loss for words. he's given me butterflies for three straight years. ahh. he was the reason i went to work every day this summer haha. damn he's cute.
anywho, i'm going to see his band play on saturday. i'm excited. they better play my favorite song.
Juno comes out tomorrow in theaters, but they said it comes out in "selected theaters". well one of those "selected theaters" better be by me. the movie looks really really good.
ew so yesterday jamie and i and everyone were hanging out at the park and then bozo the clown and her crack head friend walked up. awkward. this blog is pretty freaking random. maybe because i cant think straight because i haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning.

im sick

and it's lame. but everyone seems to be sick so i'm not missing out on much. i have been in the mood for some audacity but the past two weeks both of their shows have been cancelled or moved somewhere else. my throat's killing me. jamie's out with kurt. i'm kinda glad i'm not with them because i have been becoming quite annoyed with them always together all lovey dovey, maybe it's just because i want a bf. but there are only two boys i like: hookup boy and boyivelikedforthreeyearswhoisamazinglyhot. and frankly i dont see either of them becoming my bf any time soon. oh well. being sick is boring. my family is so boring. i want to go to the zoo sooooooo bad. the san diego one to be exact. i hope the animals aren't too cold during this time of year. haha. christmas is in twenty three days. twenty three!!!! omg!!!! haha. lame. it's a conspiracy people! anywho, i have a christmas list for all of my friends, i just haven't gone out and bought their presents yet. as soon as i get better. i promise.