i fucking hate this
you can't even sit next to me in the damn car?
what the fuck did i do to you
grow the fuck up you piece of shit

shithead mcgee showed up to the party i was at last night. i could barely breathe when i first saw him. i wanted to cry and i almost held it in but i couldn't. i wanted to talk to him and tell him how i felt, but i didn't thin a party was the right place to do it. i had to sit in between him and randall on the drive home and it was the most awkward ride ever. it felt like a three hour car ride when it probably on lasted twenty minutes. a part of me wants to stay mad at him and ignore him and be a bitch but the other part wants to talk to him and try to fix this. i'm so conflicted and i'm still in shock. he's being so immature about it too. he won't even look at me when i talk and he acts like i don't exist. i hope he feels like shit for what he did but knowing him be probably doesn't give a fuck about how i feel. i'm sure the other girl is better than me in so many ways. its a battle i'm probably going to lose.

i honestly never expected this to happen. i don't even know if i can type this without throwing up. just the thought of what went down last night makes me so sick. fucking cody stayed the night at some bitch named lindsey's house last night. i guess lindsey is hunter's chick's friend who thinks cody is hot and apparently cody and her have been hanging out a few times but last night was the first night he spent at her house. i'm still in shock. utter and complete shock. 6 months of us hooking up and then this happens? without even a hint at this chick. for five weeks straight i stayed the night at his house at least once a weekend and there was never any hint at there being another girl in the picture. we made plans for new years. i bought him a fucking expensive ass christmas present. the thought of him fucking some bitch last night makes me so sad. i know we weren't "official" or anything but he was always the one making the effort to hang out with me, that obviously means something right? i feel cheap and used and so so so so stupid for falling all over again for the same boy who broke my heart last year. it hurts worse the second time around. at least last year i had some idea that it was ending. not this time. fuck hunter he's a stupid manwhore and fuck him for introducing some cunt to the boy i've been seeing. this is completely ridiculous and i just wish yesterday was erased from time and he never went over to that bitches house. i'm stupid for wanting him back. i almost regret texting him last night and pretty much ending what we had. I JUST FUCKING WISH I COULD BE ENOUGH FOR HIM but i never am. i knew this would happen i just didn't think it would happen when everything seemed fine. i can't imagine what the next few days are going to be like. merry fucking christmas.

was SUPPOSED to go on a double date to the movies today but c had plans to go to hunter's girlfriend's christmas party instead. awesome. i guess i can just throw your 60 dollar present away. if you wanna fucking move on at least fucking tell me first. don't be a pussy and just avoid me for a week. we went through this shit two times already in the past four months why do you have to suddenly and randomly just stop talking to me?? seriously you need to get your shit together and grow a pair because i'm so done with this. last weekend you wanted me to stay at your house both nights and you were being super cute then all of a sudden it's like i don't even exist. what the fuck dude? theres no way in hell i'm letting you put me through this especially since new years is coming up. ill make sure i'm the one standing next to you at midnight. not some other fucking bitch. you already made plans with me to be with me on new years so you better fucking stick to them i don't even care if you get a new girlfriend by then haha. but seriously stop fucking doing this to me. i'm not just one of your hoes. we have two years of history you should know me by now. i'm not giving up this easily. i'm going to fight until you either tell me that you're moving on or until i can fix this once more.

i got a motherfucking kitten!!!!!!!
he's cute as hell :)

fuck petsmart. we couldn't get the cat we wanted because they had to be nazis and try and make us buy two cats instead of one. so now we have to search craigslist and the pound for a cat and i really wanted pretzel. victoria got a cat though, actually she got two but we can't find one. today was alright. i got super mad at c but then somehow by the end of the night we were talking again. that boy is the most confusing person ever i swear. i asked him if i could stay the night sometime this week and he said yes. i just hope he sticks to his word.

me and victoria are getting closer again i'm so happy :)
party tonight!
and tomorrow night!
and sunday night!
and the rest of the two weeks hahahaha

i'm now completely convinced june was the right month for me to be born in
it's gay and lesbian pride month
andd national zoo and aquarium month
perfect right?

today is going to be boring. i can already tell. here are a few random things in my purse:
hot cheetos with lime
two pairs of mittens
beanie stolen from brian that he'll never get back
mini hairbrush
lotion
cherry carmax chapstick
ipod charger
barbie stickers
hand sanitizer
an assortment of colored condoms i got from the gay pride festival
aqua shades
stride winterblue gum
watermelon flavored gum
bag of rips with three left
my glasses
ipod
birth control
california id
first aid certificates
$131.00
movie stubs
two lighters
smirnoff mango sticker
red ninja
one black button
fortune from fortune cookie that says: "life brings you a bold and dashing adventure"
gold daisy earrings
and a million other pointless things

my eyes are tired. i probably shouldn't have drank with brian louis paul and adam on my balcony tonight with jamie. then i went downtown afterwards for a little bit. i wonder if c knew i was drunk. probably. oh well it's not like he cares about me on the weekdays. i almost ordered something online but i stopped myself. moms making pizza. yummy. today was kinda lame but tomorrow should be better i hope. jamie's at a show i wanted to go to but i didn't wanna go when it was last minute. plus i would have passed out there.

AND OH MY GOD i just checked dearcoketalk and she posted my question and answered it! i'm in complete awe right now hahaha. wow dude.

i'm addicted to zooworld on facebook. yes i know i'm a nerd. the body of james wernke was found today. its kinda unsettling when a dead body is found so close to my house. had my last final today so i'm pretty happy my break has begun. didn't really do much but imma decorate our tree in a few minutes. my new boots gave me blisters but i'm determined to break them in especially before new years. today has been really boring. but bad girls club is on tonight!

going to get a christmas tree :)
got brian and paul's christmas presents today
all thats left is haylee's
i got cute ass new boots from tilly's also
and ordered some new makeup from sephora which should be arriving in a few days
jamies present will most likely come wednesday
it seems like every present i buy for someone i have to buy myself something also haha
oh well
got to see c today, he's different on the weekdays though, like i barely get any attention
idk maybe guys are just weird like that around their friends
i'm not stressing that much over him anymore
it is what it is and i'm content with that so i should just let it be
if things get better, thats great
if they stay the same, thats fine
and if they get worse, shit happens i guess
but i won't let it get worse imma fight for what i want dammit
ooh i got new gloves today also they're purple and cute

too late for gods

didn't plan on staying the night again at c's but i did
stayed up until 3:30 laughing at everyone being drunk then passed the fuck out once my head hit his pillow
shay and jax came over and shay was super drunk and we stayed in c's bedroom and talked shit on hoes and other things hahaha
i thought she hated me but i guess not
we found out we had a lot of things in common last night, like we hate the movie thirteen ghosts ahaha
huntie missed out on the festivities because he left early
randall made me eggs this morning, well 2 in the afternoon isn't really morning but it felt like morning to us haha
overall the entire weekend was pretty chill but i'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight
gotta study for my psychology final i have tomorrow at 9 am
might go down to tilly's first and check out their boots
and pop into petsmart and look at Pretzel who is number one on my christmas list
oh btw pretzel is a cat haha

c kidnapped me last night and i got to stay over at his house
it was nice having someone to cuddle with while it was raining
i gotta get ready and go back over there in like an hour or so
hopefully my headache goes away by then
my dirt nasty booty shorts came in the mail today :)
so did fudge from grandma and a stocking filled with goodies

here's my dilemma

i had just finished paying for c's kinda expensive christmas present when jamie walks in and tells me that louis told her that c and that miley cyrus bitch hooked up this weekend on saturday at a party i wasn't at. if that's true i'm going to punch her in the face. and i don't know what i'm going to do when his damn christmas present comes in the mail that i just spent fifty dollars on. and last night i had the worst dream about it too :/ i really don't know what i'm going to do if i find out it's true. it's not like we weren't talking that day or anything. lfjlajlajlajajasasfd i really hope it's not true.

ugh i was outbid on ebay. but i'll keep trying!
maybe i shouldn't try though because c was being a dick today
he still hasn't invited me to his grandpa's birthday on saturday
but he invited one of the bitches he cheated on me with right in front of me today
i have a major headache
today started off so good too :/

bought jamie's present.
know what i'm getting haylee.
know what i'm getting victoria.
no idea what to get c. i was thinking sunglasses maybe but only if i can find some cheap ray bans haha
haven't even thought about what to buy anyone else yet.
suggestions??

i didn't write yesterday how weird.
getting ready to go hang out with mindy at starbucks :)
i barely get to see c anymore and i hate it
i'm barely out anymore because of finals going on and the cold is keeping me in
i still make an effort to talk to him everyday though
i'm just really craving some alone time i guess
but randalls always staying over at c's so idk when i'll ever get any alone time
ugh :/
and i really need to go christmas shopping

it's pouring outside
i hope it slows down before i have to go out there and meet jamie with an umbrella to walk home with
gotta get all bundled up
the streets are flooded
i hate walking to school on days like this
hopefully this rain doesnt last too long
i miss c
haven't really hung out with him in furrever
days like this make me wanna go ova to his house and cuddle
or make some hot chocolate and watch movies :)

txting me "good morning" at 2 in the afternoon? someone must have been out late last night. makes me worry :/

on a different note, jamie was super happy last night. probably because she was hooking up with a hot guy instead of acne face. hahahaha.

this was my night:
johnny tried to get with me. he told me he loved me. he tried to kiss me like three times.
where was c?
at riley's supposedly.
joe said c is trying to get with some girl though.
so i text c and tell him to come to gh to talk about what joe said.
all he said was "alrighty"
did he ever show?
no
was i uncomfortable with johnny?
yes
too bad c wasn't there to come to my rescue.

:/

freshly scrubbed

dont know what imma do tonight.
jamie wants to go see TWA in pomona
i don't know if i wanna spend 30 dollas on a show where i only wanna see one band play
if i don't go to the show i'll most likely be stuck in fullerton sitting around doing NOTHING
woo fun stuff
i wouldn't mind going over to c's tonight but that doesn't look like it's going to happen
i won't be able to stay over tomorrow night though so if it happened this weekend it would have to be tonight
i don't wanna overstay my welcome though by spending the night at his house every weekend
this would be like the fourth weekend in a row
victoria's art show was alright
her birthday party is in two weeks i'm super excited for it!

theres a bunch of hooligans downstairs.
c is sick so i think thats why he's being all standoffish
at least i hope thats why :/

i need people to send me their christmas lists.
not going out at all today, except to bring jamie food.
gonna buckle down and prepare for finals.
i gotta keep my grades up for the next two weeks.
victorias art show is tomorrow night.
hope thats fun.
who knows what will happen this weekend.
hopefully get to spend some quality time with c<3



...for a second there i was worried

im getting sick :/ i hope it goes away by this weekend. del taco for dinner. i have to wait two hours though before i get it. i'm starving haha.