i forgot to paint my nails

oh well. theres a million other things i could be doing right now. for some reason though this seemed more interesting. my current favorite song is kinda depressing. but i love it. i was glad he apologized for last night. he's not that bad of a kid i just can't like himmm. and i really don't want him to start liking me. i think.

i'm really bad at talking to people who i don't wanna talk to. it puts me in a bad mood every time he texts me. i wish he got the hint. i could never reply to any of his texts and he probably would still text me. no matter how many times i say no to hanging out he doesn't get the hint. i don't know what to do. :(

super bowl tomorrow. moms making me stay home :/ oh well she's making good food i guess. it will give me time to do my english and human sexuality homework too since i have a bad habit of waiting until the last day to do it. 

today, hopefully, turns out well. 

gangstas and strippers

i realllyyyyy hate how every time you're fucked up you try to get with me but when we hang out and you're sober its like i barely exist. it seems like guys use substances as a crutch to try to get with girls. but if guys had BALLS they would try to get with girls when they're sober. ha. saw a really good movie today, "Taken". you should go see it. went to a party or two also. stayed sober and tried my hardest to take care of everyone. i hate worrying about them though :/ especially some who i tend to worry about more. blah. i'm tired and can't focus at all. goodnight. fun day tomorrow i hope.

i write way too fucking much on here. 22 posts so far this year and its only january. i'm pretty sure i aced my vocab test today. get to sleep in tomorrow too. i stretched my left ear to a zero. kurt only had one taper so i have to stretch them one at a time. its okay since no one notices my plugs anyways haha. kinda got in a fight with bre today :/ over dumb shit. but i over reacted. my ears a bit sore. today while my mom and dad were in target i took the car for a joy ride with jamie haha. i kinda drove a little too fast hahahahaha. and i'm not good at parking in the diagonal slots in the parking lots. but i'll improve. i think i'm going to be busy tomorrow. "the last house on the left" looks like a really really good movie. i hope it comes out soon. its still really early and i'm tired already. spaghetti factory for dinner tonight, it was pretty tasty. i wanna go to the san diego zoo. who's down to take the train with me??

even my own sister hides things from me

forgetting to tell me something jamie?? whatever. found out we came as romans will be playing chain reaction. awesome :) have homework i gotta finish before class. totally forgot about it until now. hahahahaha shitttt. i hate when people try to talk to me about things i can't relate to. no i don't know anything about cars so shut up about them. i watched the worst video ever in the whole entire world yesterday. its called three guys one hammer or something like that. well its basically a guy being brutally murdered and dying a slow fucking painful death. basically. i would rather watch my ex boyfriend and my best friend have sex in front of me than watch that video ever again. i sat in the chair for twenty minutes afterwards literally in shock. i have never ever experienced feelings like that before. and i'm pretty sure it fucked me up mentally because i had the worst dreams ever last night. three fucking dreams last night and none of them were good. wow. i hope today is better. idk though. nothing seems exciting, nothing to look forward to. everyone plans on getting fucked up tomorrow. but that is nothing new. i don't know what i'll do tomorrow. oh yeah movies with justin and mindy haha. gonna go see taken. and then i'll probably end up playing mommy and taking care of my friends. woo.

blahblahblah

i have class at one thirty today! yay free time!!! i gotta get tickets for bringmethehorizon and the word alive.  i bought a bunch of candy yesterday, its going to be gone by the end of today probably. shit i gotta start eating healthier so my tummy stays fit for when i get my hips pierced. first my "love recklessly" tattoo then my hips pierced then my AFI tattoo. yesterday was so cold! i think i got sick again because i had my head out the window yelling insults at people as we drove by. hahahahahaha. i probably should have gotten shot because we were yelling them at gangsters hahahahahaha. if shit talking was an olympic sport jamie and i would both have gold medals. but i'm the nicest person i swear.

drugs

i just spent a bunch of time going through old posts. it made me see how much i've grown in just a year. i used to be so against drugs. i used to make a big deal out of them. i hated when c would do them and it used to stress me out. but now i don't make a big deal out of them and they pretty much don't worry me anymore when i see my friends do them (that kinda sounds bad but i don't mean it like that). i don't know what made me change and i sure as hell don't remember when this change occurred. but i didn't change for anyone. and i don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. and there's actually something i'm really worried about but i'm not going to say it just yet. also, i hate when people try to get me to smoke weed. if i wanna try it i'll do it when i'm ready. yeah just because i've tried way worse drugs doesn't make me want to try weed just because its safer. i don't see why people are so shocked at my decisions. i do things I want to do. not the things everyone else is doing. goodnight. icgyoomh

jizz in my pants

"i jizz right in my pants every time you're next to me. and when we're holding hands it's like having sex with me. you say i'm premature i just call it ecstasy." i freaking love that song. it makes me so so happy. today was fun. tomorrow is school. pretty gay. i'm pretty sure i got all my homework done though so thats good. its going to be cold tomorrow. well cold for california at least. i was doing pretty good then i had a minor slip today but it should be good for now. its all in my head. i hope. i only wish i had someone to relate to. i found out steph lives down the street from me too. that makes me really happy. hopefully i can go over there and see her and blake :) wow i have writers block. i knew i came on here to write about something and i completely forgot what it was. hopefully it will come to me tomorrow. i wish it was friday.

boys suck

they ruin friendships. take jamie and tori for example, they were pretty good friends then throw brian between them and now there are hostilities.  nothing too violent but you can definitely sense the tension when those two are around each other, which is very rare these days. why am i rambling on about other people? i have no idea. my feet are tired. i walked from starbucks in fullerton to la palma in anaheim with a few detours and stops along the way. also the party we were walking to kept changing locations which was a bit annoying and we had to stop and talk to cody forever which sucked hahahahaha jk. i'll probably delete this whole entry when i read it tomorrow. i'm so tired. there were only a few good parts the whole night. ihuwj. i got a new shirt today. i like it :) its yellow and gray striped. randall found me a bracelet which is cute too. i think i pissed topher off tonight. i feel bad. i feel like his bad mood was all my fault :/ imma get downtown all early tomorrow. gotta bring jacob his cookies hahahahahaha. i want a shirt that says "i got there first". i'm way excited for my tattoo. i need someone to hold my hand for it though :/ i'll just have xmattyx hold it. while he tattoos me with the other hahaha. he's hot. i would so bang him. okayyyy i really need to stop typing. i really need to stop hooking up with those younger boys. gotta find boys my age dammit.

someday came suddenly

and that day was yesterday. i had an epiphany (oh shit i actually spelled that right!!) and i finally realized, after 4 months or so, that i'm like 90-95% over it!!! ah i was in such a good mood yesterday when it finally hit me. it hit me all random too but once i realized it i was so happy. idk how it happened, well kinda. it was just me being nice and caring about someone else besides me. and it basically hit me like this "you know what she deserves it because she needs something good in her life and if that will make her happy then i'm happy because [it] is really a good [thing] deep down inside and she needs something like that in her life" yeah thats kinda how it went. and another thing, i've kinda been really mean to a certain person and i feel bad but at the same time i don't mean to be so mean it just comes out. i guess its something in the back of my head that still hates him or something. or my mind being all confused not knowing how to handle things when he's around. 

theres a lot of people that need their ass kicked. some people can be so ignorant.

alright imma talk shit right now so if you don't like reading this then stop NOW

theres a really big slut that goes to fullerton high school and i pretty much hate her. well anyways she has a new myspace picture of her naked with just caramel and chocolate sauce and its the most disgusting picture i have ever laid eyes on. first off she's only a junior in high school does she not care about the fucking reputation she's getting? and secondly how the hell can anyone not have respect for themselves to do the shit she does?? its so disgusting and yeah maybe i shouldn't care about what she does but its hard because i'm brandi and i care about everyone haha. people like that need a fucking wake up call. it sickens me. i won't even get into the threesome she had...

on a better note: I DECIDED ON A TATTOO!! :) yay! now i need to find out how much it costs and then i can go get it. awesome. i hope today goes as good as yesterday. no LA today though. and its raining. but i'm sure we'll think of something. we always do.

random topic

global warming. i'm too angry to write about my life so i'll just discuss my opinion on something completely irrelevant to what went on today. personally i think that global warming is indeed happening and anyone who disagrees is retarded because why the fuck are we having 80 degree weather in the winter???? i think every year the temperature is going to get worse and worse and everything is just going to get worse. scary to think about but the facts are kinda there. it seems like every winter gets warmer and warmer and look at the fires we had in november that we get every year but this year they were even worse than last years. and we've already had three mild earthquakes in the past 12 months when we usually get them only about once a year maybe. maybe its just the constant worrying in me but it seems like we're in for some crazy things in the next few years :/ 

stressing

i have a lot of homework tonight. two essays. a research thing. read chapter one in human sexuality and study for quiz. also take a shower eat dinner and plan my outfit for tomorrow. awesome. so i spend my time on blogspot complaining instead of actually doing shit. haha. wow. my throat hurts. i get two hundred dollars tomorrow towards books. that will get me like one book hahahahaha. no. i only need to buy 2 for reading and then i'll be set. yay! so hopefully i have money left over and then i can save that for my tattoo. which i still haven't decided on. i need ideas people!!!! i'm so stressed out over so much. i'm at this point where i'm uncertain on so many things, even my future. i've been debating whether i really want to work with animals or not. thats so scary because i've wanted to do that for so long but now i'm not sure anymore :( 

i want a tattoo

realllyyyyy realllyyyy badly. i just don't know what or where. ideas? apparently i can't get respect tattooed on myself because i don't respect myself haha. its all good. i do respect myself though. anyways, i want something that i won't regret and will represent me. lyrics maybe. i want something behind my ear also, but not lyrics. idk what though. something tiny. i guess i'll go find lyrics with meaning. that shouldn't be too hard. the hard part will be deciding. ah. weekend was okay. class tomorrow. awesome. its okay though i like that class. things are going to change soon, i can feel it. good or bad i'm not sure but things are going to change real soon.

four day weekend

and its already halfway over. last night was weird :/ i never thought someone so close would attempt something like that and personally it made me quite a bit shaken. yeah i understand that there had been drinking but i guess this was my first time experiencing someone on that level of drunkness (is that a word?) anyways me being the nice person i am just let it slide by and didn't make a big deal out of it but deep down i think it is kind of a big deal. i'm not sure if this is going to change how i view that person. also last night some queefwhore was talking shit on me right in front of my face. that takes balls. shes lucky i found out what she said after i had left the party otherwise i would have hit her. i hate when you like a person but you don't really want to like them because you know you'll just end up getting hurt but you can't just stop liking them because its hard to just stop liking someone. its not an off and on switch as much as i would like it to be sometimes. got no sleep last night. these past days have been weird in so many different ways. some good things though. gotta stay posi haha. 

ineedatopupcard

dammit!!! my texting runs out today..in like 2 minutes actually. shit! and i'm like balls deep in text conversations hahaha. gonna get ready and go downtown because staying home is boring. i think a few people are worried about me becoming friends with someone. its weird not being in class today. but i like having fridays off. i'm making new friends and i like it. its nice to have someone you can relate to even though its kinda creepy almost how much we have in common. and its even better that its actually a girl in the group who i can get along with since almost all the other ones dont like me :/ idk if it will make things weird with some of the people i know. blah i stress too much. i need to do more things that make ME happy and not just everyone else. first week of college wasnt too bad. i still need my reading books but i'll get to it haha. oh yeah brent offered me a job at frucci that would be way cool. lets see how things go :)

overrated

fucking relationships dude. they're so overrated. i'm not saying this just because i'm single. it just seems like they have less value these days. no one takes them seriously anymore. cheating isn't a big deal anymore. sex doesn't have meaning anymore. everyones just fucking everyone else. no commitment. and people throw around the l word so carelessly these days. how can you say you're in love after only a week. i call bull shit. i'm not even writing about anyone specific just people in general so don't get your panties in a bunch. i think i'm too mature for my age :/

im so over it

or am i? school was pretty chill today, my reading professor reminds me of my papa :) i gotta get the rest of my books though. already had english homework, pretty lame. whatever though. imma stay posi haha no worrying for me :) today was alright, i shouldn't have gotten to the campus at 9 when i had class at 1:30 though. i guess i thought i would be spending a lot of time getting my books hahahaha. a lot of my relationships with people seem different lately. hard to describe but i feel like certain people who i used to be super close with are more distant lately. its probably my fault, theres so much going on in my head lately :/ i feel like i need to accomplish all these things in such a short amount of time and make good impressions on everyone and i'm trying to make everyone happy but then i end up forgetting i also need to make myself happy and i don't even know what i need to do to make myself happy. the best thing about myself is also my downfall.

i hope this entry makes sense. i'm so tired. 

first day of school

had its good moments and bad. the only class i'm pretty worried about is english 60. my teacher flat out admitted she's tough. mmm found out bad news today. its like we take 2 steps forward than 287329729 steps back. and we were just becoming friends again :/ alright i'll just fucking spill it: today the first things to come out of a certain someones mouth were that they fucked my boyfriend when he was my boyfriend at the time. so the cheating rumor ended up being TRUE :/ wow. the most ridiculous part of this is i wasn't that upset by it. does this mean i'm over him? or just used to all the things he's done to hurt me that i've just grown numb to anything new i find out? i have no idea. but like whatever i doubt this is going to change our friendship because i've wanted us to be friends again for so long i don't want to put this between our relationship. oh dear i hope i never end up like jim carrey in me myself and irene haha. 

human sexuality is going to be way fun. i can already tell. only one class tomorrow. yay. but i'll be getting my books and ish tomorrow so i'm going to school at like 7 am just to get everything taken care of haha. weather needs to cool down. everyone needs to cool down. ha. 

"i know you never meant to do everything you put me through its okay i forgive you. just know that when you see me cringe sometimes i'm trying to rid the poison from my mind" 

its hot today

in the middle of winturrrr. wtf man. gotta love drama. probably shouldn't write about it in here though. its funny how when you get advice from a complete stranger you feel better than when its from someone close to you even though the stranger pretty much says the same exact thing as your close friend did. whats even funnier though is i don't think i'll take the strangers advice hahaha. i have a feeling i might not want to hang out with the group anymore but i have an even stronger feeling that as much as i would like to, i could NEVER leave those boys. for the past 3 1/2 years of my life i have grown up with them and its pretty much them who have made me the person i am today. i wouldn't change it for anything. but sometimes hanging out with them has its downfalls, i keep forgetting that they aren't all 18 like me haha. idk whats going to happen when i start college, what if i find people my age to hang out with, ah. i'm split down the middle, one half wants to stay with the group and have fun and party and the other half just wants to move on. i guess we'll just see what happens. so nervous for tomorrow. i wish someone would help calm my nerves.

two days

until college :/ so fucking nervous. idk why though. i think im worried of getting lost or something haha. its so big and i'm so small :(  "of want and misery: the nothing that kills" look up the lyrics to that as cities burn song when you have time. story of my life, on depressing days at least. i probably should be downtown right now. for what though its just going to make me sad :/ i wish bre went downtown today. havent seen her in like 298748237492729 days. and for some reason she's not getting my texts which is dumb. it better work soon because who the eff am i going to text while i'm in school. i hope theres cute boys in my classes :) hahahaha fuck boys they're so confusing i hate feeling second best its like wtf i'm smart enough to know when i'm being played dumbshit. however of course i'm going to develop feelings for you after hooking up with you and you said all that cute shit ajjsaksljfuck 

on a different note: the subconscious is a funny thing. 

roll the dice

it seems you care about me more than i care about you but deep down its really me that cares more.  thomas' 18th birthday tonight. hope all goes well. doubt it though. fuck you and your ridiculously green eyes. school in 3 days. shittttt. watching the begin transmission videos. theres a lot of weird people out there. but there was some really interesting ones there too. go kill the lights we'll glow till morning comes. gotta love itunes on shuffle. i'm taking medicine to cure my sickness but for some reason i'm still stuffy :/  i discovered the boy version of me haha. well he's reallyyyyyy similar but no one can be exactly like me :) that would be weird dating him though...ah i hate when guys try to make plans with me on a friday and i'm not even that close with them. like why the hell would i want to spend my friday evening with some guy who i don't really know? that sounds so bitchy. but i don't want them to get the idea its a date. ask me to hang out on a wednesday or something. but no mondays once house comes back on which is the 19th :) 

My Weakness?

i go on blogspot way too much. i'm on here more than myspace. i don't know why i love to write about my life for complete strangers to read, but i do. and i'm so brutally honest on here sometimes when i shouldn't be but i don't care. i pretty much would answer any question honestly if asked. i would spill my darkest secrets on here probably if i felt like writing about them. i wish more people would be like that. maybe thats not such a good thing though. oh wellllll.

so last night before aaron and jacob came over i had about 20 sugar cookies left over from the day before. and when they left at 11:00 there was none. i didn't know guys loved sugar cookies so much. i should carry some wherever i go haha. 

i hate when a song comes on and it reminds you of a certain time in your life and its really hard to listen to it.

i also hate my orthodontist for tightening my braces, but i'm getting them off in like 2 months :)

wow so much for having a serious blog. you can't end a serious blog with a smile wtf

i kinda dont like

when people tell me i'm "too good" for someone. i understand that they're trying to be nice and what they're saying is probably true but why should you not like a person just because you're better than them? i've never fully understood it. i always try to find the good in just about everyone, no matter how fucked up you may be. i think thats why i always fall hardest for the guys with the biggest flaws. no offense to anyone reading this if you may be haha. but seriously, i always go for the guys who do drugs, or drink alcohol or have some downfall to them. idk why. its probably because i want to be the one to be there for them. its so hard to explain, but thats what really attracts me to a guy. i'm sorry if you're clean cut and have nothing wrong with you and would probably be a perfect boyfriend, i'm not going to be attracted to you. i know thats really really weird but i don't have a problem with it. and its weird because i've always been really against drugs but i always fall for the kids that do them. and i hope that doesn't end up hurting me in the long run. 

Milk

was a very very very good movie, but i cried like a baby in the theater :/ it was worth it though. boring day. i hope tomorrow is fun. i hope its not rainy like it is right now. i was doing so good but i think i'm regressing. ah i hope not though. my eyes hurt. and my mouth still does too. gotta start getting into the practice of getting up early because i start school in roughly 9 days :/ eep. 

oh yeah also watched a movie called "teeth" today. if i was a guy it would have scarred me for life. the vagina had teeth!!! holy shit. but the movie was hilarious and i think everyone should watch it. right now. i watched it on youtube haha.

new years eve

was interesting. party canceled then back on again. vitamin c enhanced. light shows. awesome dj. cops came a few times. bitches got mad i was dancing. but i liked dancing. a lot. had a good talk. talked with so many people. then we had to leave the party at 11 and things got kinda lame :/ but oh well. new years kiss was alright, i dont want them to get the wrong idea though. yeah they're cute and everything but idk if i wanna date within the group again. i gotta start dating people my age haha. last night was fun. there was a lot of sluts there though who i've never seen before. too bad we didnt go to the mountains again last night.