pathetic

drunken actions are sober thoughts. so when you tell me about how you got drunk last night and were screaming about how i stole your boyfriend and how you wish i was dead and how you want him back how do you expect me to feel? we were just getting back to normal and then you tell me that :/ ahh i just wanted my friend back and i was so happy and then you had to tell me that. i dont want to hurt you so i should just get out of your life for good if it upsets you that much to see me with your ex boyfriend.
well yesterday was such an amazing day. i got to kiss my boyfriend after a week of not being able to!! ahhh i walked to first with the fattest smile on my face. it was sooooo cute! before first i hugged him goodbye and went to walk away and then he was all "FUCK THIS!" and he grabbed my face and kissed me and it made me sooooooooo happy :) woooooo!!!!!!! i think i almost cried when it happened. and thennnnnn after first i saw my sunshine and during second chanet and zack made me laugh the whole time then we got out early of second and i saw my sunshine again and then i got to kiss my boyfriend some more and then i saw my sunshine for a third time and then i worked on my page for yearbook and got quotes and then i saw my boyfriend at break and then i got to listen to my ipod for all of fourth and do nothing and then i saw cody and then art was fun because i got my spirit animal (a bear) and i pretty much did nothing then lunch with cody and everyone and then 6th period we watched "A Knight's Tale" with Heath Ledger :) and then after school i hung out with cody until 11 <333 and we did poo dollars and watched a million cops search for this guy and had fun in kurts room. yeahhhhh. woo fun friday!!!
i wish i could go to bamboozle left. almost every single one of my bands is playing. chiodos!!! ah! blaqk audio (AKA DAVEY HAVOK!!! <3333)!!! breathe carolina <33 fuck its like they made a concert for me.
my ears are sore. fucken 2s.
i get to see my papa and grandma tomorrow. yay
bonfire tonight? idk. maybe.
one week until spring break.

i hate this soooo much

gahhhhhh. i am so fucking frustrated right now and i am like super depressed. so i can't kiss my boyfriend for a month :( omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its so hard seeing him at school and not being able to kiss him. i can only imagine how he feels...he'll probably leave and go find a girl who he can kiss :/ and things were just getting really good for us. now we're stuck in like jr. high not being able to go farther than a kiss on the cheek haha. lameeeeee. whatev. i'll definately have to make up for all the time missed as soon as i'm better. and what pissed me off today was soooo many people were giving me shit for having mono. most of them are most likely to get it so idk why they're giving me so much shit. i'm gonna give it back to them only ten times worse. and as soon as i walk out the door after lunch what do i see but jamie and kurt standing on the steps kissing. gahhh. i almost wanted to cry. its like they were shoving it in my face. well fuck them. im so mad. i seriously feel like crying. but nothing will come out. i just hope my throat gets better reallllll soon. i cant stand this shit. it sucks so bad. its worse than when i had my wisdom teeth taken out and i was awake. i came home early so i could nap but i got distracted. so i guess i'll go nap or do my english then shower then text cody... :/ i wish i knew of something that could cheer me up.

cooties

my throat hurts terribly...but i took some pain pills and it doesnt hurt as bad as it did this morning. my mom wants to take me to urgent care. and hopefully i wont have to miss school or anything because i have a deadline in yearbook coming up. and i need pictures....gah stress. whatev. so i ended up staying the night at kurts on friday with the bf, jamal, thomas and jerry. wheeeee that was fun :) but i only got like four hours of sleep so i came home on saturday and passed out and got six more lovely hours. but what was scary was when i was walking over to the car to be picked up saturday morning i felt like i was going to pass out, everything got really cloudy and i could barely stand up. it was horrible. i got super sick and i almost threw up in the car so my daddy had to go get water for me from taco bell and then i started feeling better. so today's easter and my crazy aunt is taking us to the cemetery to have lunch with my dead grandpa. wooo how fun...yeah not really. but whatev. maybe i'll get to see my bf today. idk. idk. bre's coming down tomorrow. yay yay yay.

waiting

to see if i have plans tonight...knowing kurt i doubt it though. i just want to see my bf! ah whatev. so anywho, family sucks. i want a new dad. good thing he's not really related to me. gahhhh. nothing like having the parole officer knock on the door with another cop and then proceed to handcuff my dad while he searches our house. i guess when you're on probation you're qualified to get random "search and seizures" or wtfever you call them. so i sat down with my little sisters in the living room while the cops proceeded to tear apart the upstairs then after they couldnt find anything they uncuff my dad and leave. fuck. i'm sure this experience is bound to have some psychological damage on my little sister. and fuck cops. seriously...find me a good one out there. because it seems like 99 out of 100 times you'll find an asshole cop. i dont know why they think they're so great. all they've ever done is cause stress on my family and friends. i wish i went a month without having any police contact whatsoever. fuck my life. i just want change. i want the ideal family. whatever happened to that. honestly what has happened to our society? i bet everyone knows someone with divorced parents or has divorced parents. where did true love go? on the subject of that word.....i'm falling pretty hard. it's scary. like jumping headfirst into a black hole. or being kicked into the giant hole in 300. i wish life was easy.

idfk.

today is going to be slow i can tell. jamie is gone. bfs grounded. no plans. im so bored. i woke up after 12 hours of sleep only to find out my dad got in trouble last night gahhhh. great. just another thing to stress on. hes always getting in trouble with the law and i hate it. honestly i think he gets pulled over every other month. i dont know why hes always on the cops radar...maybe its because of our shitty ass van that he cant seem to part with even though only one car door works on it and a window is missing and the middle seat is taken out and its almost as old as i am. fuck. i fucken hate that car. how embarassing to be driven in it. i hate taking my friends places because that car is fucking gay. or maybe the cops are attracted to him because he looks like hes stuck in the 80s with that gay ass mullet of his and his stupid cut off shorts and shirts and his "bad ass" attitude. fucken anger management isnt helping at all. i hate it. i wish i had a normal dad then i wouldnt worry about him getting arrested all the time. but noooo he has to act all tough all the time and think hes the best driver out there and he thinks he could kick anyones ass. psh. fuck. i know im going to hate today. and to make it worse theres a crying baby at my house. and jamies not here so how am i supposed to have fun. i think im going to try and get out of here. somehow. i dont care if i have to go out myself and be somewhere alone. anywhere is better than my house. ill probably walk to tri city park...or somewhere idk. maybe i'll just walk to baskin robbins and get ice cream...idk exactly where ill go but i just want to leave. i wish i could see my bf today, he makes things so so so much better. ah like seriously... :) i was supposed to go to the mall with jamie today. oh well. i guess ill go get ready then for my adventure today...

leave me in the clouds.

one month today <3 whoooo. hahah wow time goes by fasttttt. spent the night again at kurts on saturday. it was fun, but then again its always fun sleeping over at kurts....except that one thanksgiving night...ah... anyways, im like superrr happy and yeah. i love his smile. ah. i love making him smile. i love the cute texts i get. i love holding his hand. i love waking up next to him. im just so scared..of smothering him. idk... i stress way way way too much.

it seems like everyone is grounded lately. progress reports came so basically all my friends are fucked. including jamie. two fs and two ds....goodness. so this weekend is going to be boring since no one can come out and play with me :( i think ill go to the mall and get size 2s. i need some. these size 4 tapers bug the shit outta me. theyre so long.

so my grandparents are coming down from nevada soon. im excited. ive missed them quite a lot. i let my papa read into the wild and he recently sent it back with a note saying how much he enjoyed it and such and i just saw his writing and it made me cry. hes like a second dad to me almost. i dont understand why people have to die...i dont think i could ever think about my mom or grandpa or grandma or sisters dying or even my cat salem who was my first pet ever. its hard to think about what i would be like without any of them in my life. death is horrible. but its inevitable.

fuck depressing subjects. i wanna go to the movies. or go mini golfing. or something fun. take me to an amusement park. better yet...the zoo. :)

my best quality

is also my weakest. i have discovered that i am nice but at the same time i am too nice. i dont know how i can change to become a meaner person, usually people change to be nicer. but this niceness has gotten me taken advantage of. i let people walk over me and its hard for me to say no or be assertive and aggressive i guess.....idkkkkk someone help me to be meaner. hahaha.

three weeks today. <3

walking

makes me tired as hell. but yesterday i walked roughly three miles from the freaking dog park to my house and today i walked another three miles, with about 300 other people. from my high school to commonwealth and brookhurst in memory of taureq. i didnt know him but a lot of my friends did and my bf did and i went with them for support. then on the walk there i saw his father and it killed me, i was overwhelmed with the unity of everyone that joined in the walk. at first i had doubts about the whole thing but im glad i changed my mind and im pretty proud of myself. ive just been in a super nice mood lately, yesterday i gave three dollars to a bum. wow go brandi! haha.

ah so anyways, today was fun :)
yesterday was fun too. i got to see my boyfriend after what seemed like the longest four days of my life. i went over to his house and we attempted to watch a movie haha. it sucks my dad had to pick me up so early though. whatev, we made up for lost time today at kurts house. bahahahaha. but now i am tired and better get my beauty rest cuz i hafta get up at 6 in the morning to showerrrrrrr.