i wanna escape

wayyy too much family time for me to handle. its hard being cooped up in a room with my wanna be mexican little sister. we stayed at a hotel by codys house for two nights, ironically he wasn't home for either of them haha. now we're at some place by dennys. i wish i knew what was going on but our stupid landlord is in thailand and i dont know when we can get ahold of her. so in the meantime i'm stuck here with my family in a small hotel room. haha not fun at all. i wanna run away to africa:

spilling everything

wow. this has seriously been like the most depressing month ever. as of roughly 5 o clock sunday evening my life got pretty fuckin depressing. eviction?? idk even know what to call it. but i haven't slept in my house since saturday night, i've had to live at my cracked out alcoholic aunts house with my adhd 7 year old cousin who still wears diapers. jamie, haylee, and myself have been confined to sleeping in the same bed. luckily haylee has been gone for the past two nights so jamie and i got to stretch out a little more. and if things couldn't get any worse my dad's car like died on him yesterday and we're out of a car until it gets fixed. wow my life sure is fucked. but the mechanic is coming today and there's a good chance we'll be staying at a hotel tonight instead of this hell hole. its one of the most embarrassing things i've had to go through and i haven't really told anyone about it, until like now. but i don't even know who reads this shit so i'll never know who knows and who doesn't. but this whole situation is nothing new to me, we got kicked out of our apartment when i was a freshman and jamie and i got to stay with my papa and grandma for about three months. hopefully we're not homeless for that long this time. wow its so depressing...fuck. honestly, the thought of just offing myself has crossed my mind. but i know it would kill jamie. i could never do it. so don't trip fools. but like on a scale of one to ten my life is like a 3. it would be so much lower if i didn't have cody in my life. that boy has no idea how much he means to me. he's gotten me through so much shit and he doesn't even know. sooo i gotta go shower in my aunts freezing cold shower since the gas got turned off and there's no hot water. i can only keep my head up and hope things get better, all i need is the support of everyone <3

p.s. i drove kurts car yesterday it was mucho mucho fun!!! :)

baby muncher

its hard to find how to start this. positively i guess... sooo i went to disneyland yesterday with jamal and we broke our tower of terror record by riding it six times. damn jamie sure knows how to scream. there were like a bajillion people there and the lines were long. but the food was good. so i lost my best friend, well i didn't really lose her i just stopped talking to her. it was for good reason though, her and her bff were both trying to get with MY bf. ha. i go through shit like this every month it seems. fucking whores always trying to get with my boyfriend and i hate it. they were telling him shit that was completely untrue and telling me shit that wasn't true and thank god everythings settled now. sunday didnt go exactly as i had planned. family shit. jakjskajaasaja really really retarded shit. its horrible. i'm so grateful for the people in my life that help me stay positive through this whole thing. its not easy trust me. hopefully i can go out tonight and get my boyfriends surprise. ahhh. im the luckiest girl alive. no fucking joke.

vegetable soup

gahhhhhhhh. where do i begin? tried to meet up with people but they can't stay in one place long enough for me to meet up with them. who knows if they even wanted to see us today though. things are weird now between everyone. according to someone "they're his friends, you shouldn't hang out with them when he's not there" idfk. some shit like that. but whateverrr. i hung out with jamie bre luc and jason today. you know how some people are only good in small doses? yeahhh i have a friend like that. people get annoying pretty quick. today was lame. i really need to spend some alone time with certain people. but idk. fuck. why should i even type on here. i'm scared, sad, worried, frustrated and like every other negative emotion. i used to be so happy. and i was happy today for a little but then i got depressed again. whyyy am i writing here??? fuck this shit

change

is hard. but good. essential i guess. i bet you had a better thursday than i did. i got invited to hang out with bre and vee and karah then vee and karah went to salts (even though salt told me he didnt want girls there which was one of the reasons i didnt go) and so it was just me and bre downtown. then luc and jason showed up. we hung out for a bit. bre tried calling vee and ended up getting ditched and had to spend the night at mi casa (she's upstairs on my bed sleeping right now and its 4 in the afternoon haha) oh well. now im trying to find something to do today. i wanted to see cody but idk how long he'll be at salts plus he'll probably be tired. ahhh. maybe jamie and i and bre will just go downtown and see what happens from there. and i wish i went last night but in the back of my mind something tells me i'm glad i didn't. i wouldn't have had any fun at all. but i didn't have much fun at all last night anyways. i only have monday to look forward to. i'm sooo excited. i guess i could make plans for sunday too. or hang out tomorrow before work...shit idfk.

eep :)

today was pretty good. i finally got to see my boyfriendddd :D i was so happy. it sucks i won't see him tomorrow though. the market is going to be so fucken boring. oh well. it will probably be like me jamie kurt and maybeee luc. awkward. but i guess its better being there than at the "guys time" or whatever its going to be. i wouldn't want to ruin that. plus i wouldn't fit in with any of the things they'll be doing. shitt i gotta take my placement test soon for college. theres a bunch of upcoming shows at chain i need to go to. i think jamie and i might go to the one on the 27th, if we aren't working. which i really super hope we aren't. its a bunch of hardcore christian bands but they're superrrrr good. i dont know what its been with me lately but all of the bands i've been discovering are christian screamo. is jesus trying to tell me something? do i need to go to church? whatttt?? ahhh. friday: dark knight comes out, but i cant spend my money on it until after jamie and i go on our dateee <33 bahaha. it sucks that my parents take my money without telling me because i'm saving up for shit and they go and take it. fuck how would my family survive if jamie and i didn't have a job? it scares me. we'd probably be on the streets. ehhh idk. maybe thats too harsh but fuckkkk its like theres never any money in my house. only the cash i earn from work and that gets taken all the time too. shittt i had this thing in my mind that i was gonna do and i completely forgot what it was. stupid hobag distracted me and got me all thinking and frustrated and i know shes not being completely honest with me which makes me suspicious, some best friend. guess what? my house is haunted. two people were murdered in my moms room. that explains why i thought i saw someone in my room. and why jamie saw someone in the closet and why my mom heard a little girl talking. creepy. yeah see how good i sleep tonight knowing that shit. hahahaha this has gotten too long.

good day todayyy

i thought it wasn't going to be but it was. sucks that i missed seeing my boyfriend by like 30 minutes, ah if only i got to the hospital earlier...but i got to see joe and it was good, he liked his card haha. i'm so happyyyy :) i had fun with kurt and jamie today driving around. and i had a really good dinner at big slice haha. garlic bread and salad mmmmm. i get to see my lover tomorrow i'm so fucking excited. its been five ridiculously long days. and i can't wait until tomorrow. im gonna sleep good tonight thats for sure. i just have to wake up a little bit earlier and get pretty then go over to fullas. it should be fun. fuckkk i wish i could find that song on my ipod that jamie and i both were talking about but i cant find it anywhere. if only i had less than 200 afi songs maybe it would be easier. but nooooooooooo. see this:

^^^^i love that kid. sooooo much.

my day

has just begun. ha not really i spent like two hours watching shear genius. fucken bravo distracts me all the time. anywhooo jamie and i are going on an adventure to go visit our friend in the hospital and we made him this awesome card i hope he likes it. then i have no idea what we're going to be doing. maybe hang out downtown idkkkk. im kinda worried though that kurt talked to cody about things because jamie exaggerated some things to kurt like i wanted cody to stop drinking and doing drugs and how he should change for me, but those things aren't true at all. i dont care what he does as long as he doesnt get hurt. and as for the whole changing thing i think its stupid too. i dont want to force anyone to change. people change themselves, its them who makes the decision and i have no right to decide who's going to change because i myself am not perfect. sooooo if kurt tells cody these things that jamie says then idkkk i'll just have to set the facts straight. mm well i gottta go get ready for the hospital. <3

i stumbled upon this

and i think it could not be any truer

bipolar juice??!1!

haha. why do christian bands sound so much better than normal bands? is it because they have jesus behind them??? okayy well i can think of a lot of good normal bands but the crimson armada and seladora are freaking amazingggg and blessthefall and the word alive too! which reminds me i should go listen to them. fuck sunburns are itchy and so are scabs i hate them. if i could be anywhere else it would be disneyland, no scratch that i wanna go to the mofuggin san diego zoo. went to the beach today. it was hot. then it got freezing. i really want a dog. i can see myself in ten years being the crazy lady of the neighborhood having like ten dogs fifteen cats and a bunch of birds and snakes and lizards and fish and crazy animals and such. ha i wish. fuck brooke hogan is a whore. why does she get her own tv show? i need one. but i really really need to go to blogspots anonymous because this shit is getting out of hand. i write on this too much. someone tie me up and take the keyboard awayyyyy

ummmmmm

i'm trying. i really am. i fucked up, i said i was going to be more open and i couldn't keep my word. so where does this leave me? i don't know. things aren't right. i need....i need someone something to keep me sane. i can't lose this. i'm so scared right now. i'm trying so hard to keep things normal, to not fuck up, to not lose what means most. but holy hell. what else can i do? i haven't had a good nights sleep since like wednesday. i've lost my appetite. i'm not my happy self anymore. honestly i don't even know how this happen. i apologized i thought everything was okay. maybe i'm making everything worse than it really is. i always see the worst in situations though. this blog entry is probably going to make me look bad too. but fack...

yadumbcunt

i write way too much on here. but its boring at my house so this keeps me sane. i discovered why i've been so angry lately and i've taken my anger out on the wrong people. turns out i've been frustrated over my sister. i know i should stay out of her business but its hard. she hooked up with jose last night, then she went over to kurts tonight and freakinggg luc told her he likes her wtf. she has at least three guys on her tits and she's playing games with all of em. well maybe not luc, idk. i dont really care. but its hard just sitting back and seeing two guys get led on. i dont know who she's going to choose and i don't really know who i would want her to choose at this point because either one is going to get hurt. so i've been really frustrated at her for like this past week and i've taken my frustrations out on the wrong people. i even took it out on little kids at my work :/ so no work for a whole week :) yayyyyyy. beach tomorrow? maybe. i wanna see cody too sometime but he starts summa school on monday. i hope that goes well. i'm sure he'll do fine though and if he needs help i'll just do his work bahahaha. its almost one in the morning maybe i should go to bed since i'm getting up at 9. ah but i gotta showerrr too. fuck there were some ugly ass kids at work today. it must have been take your ugly child to a baseball game day or something.

:/

the main reason for my happiness is at his house right now texting me :) jamies out at a party getting drunk and molested by jose and i dont care because he's a good guy hahaha im really tired but i kinda had some smirnoff so im not that tired but its not fun being buzzed and home alone. wow no parents home either. just me. fuck i wish my boyfriend was here. today is our five months :)))) i can't believe he's actually put up with my shit for this long. i can't say i've been the best girlfriend but i've tried. i know i can do better though. i dont know why i keep spilling this much because i know for a fact he reads these. i feel bad, i feel like i made him mad or upset or something but gahh idk. its hard to believe things i hear because i know how people exaggerate... especially people that like seeing other people hurt so they say the things that hit my weak spots. :/ last day of work is tomorrow, then a whole week off. yayyyy. i dont know what i'll do with my free time because jamies gonna be bleedin love and shit hahahahahaha. wow im not a nice sister at all. im sorry jamie :/ ohhh yeah i saw steph yesterday it was pretty random but i got to talk to her for like an hour. and i saw blake too. i miss them. i dont know how to end this. soooooo end.

where the fuck did my self esteem go?

i wish

i could be your anti-drug :/

i probably shouldn't have gotten in the car with three boys tonight but i was hurt. i'm sorry. i don't want to turn into the controlling you can't do drugs girlfriend. but i'm afraid i am. i don't know where to draw the line. i'm super tired and spilling my heart out is probably not the best thing to do right now because i'm super vulnerable when i can't keep my eyes open. i worry too much. lets leave it at that.

fuuuuuuckkk youuu :)

you're a whore bag and you're really pissing me off. so get off the kitchen counter and go wash your filthy vaginaaaaa. blitch. i like my new myspace song. but i miss my old one because i loveddd it :/ thursday market tonight. i hope today is better than yesterday. getting kicked out of kurts house after being there for like three seconds wasn't very cool. then jamie and i left and lo and behold i ran into damion. grosss. but i didn't recognize him until i had passed him thank god. i'm going to buy the biggest icee tonight. why doesn't that look spelled right...icee...ah oh well. i'm worried...but i worry too much. i just yeah ah. fuckity fuck. do the helen keller and talk with your hips. i had the weirdest dream last night that involved a pineapple flavored condom. yeahhhhhhh it was interesting. but it made perfect sense i think. its something thats been on my mind a lot and im not talking about pineapple flavored condoms. i dont know why i haven't done it yet..i guess im just worried im going to mess up or something or like embarass myself. but i know they want it. hahahaha. ah fuck i think i've given too much away. i really really miss steph. :( my teeth hurt, fucken braces. i think people look at me differently now that they know about my personal life. but i dont want it to change. i dont want to seem any differently than i was before i started having.... but it seems like certain people view me as more of a whore now and i really hate it.

stop bitching

gah. i hate my house. all my family does is complain :/ my twelve year old sister is a dumb bitch, the last thing she said to me last night was "so have you and cody fucked recently?" what the fuck my twelve year old sister said that, wow. jamie....idk....she told jose she was "done with that fag" yet she's hung out with kurt four days in a row and they're all over each other. so she's leading on one of the two. or both. i wouldnt be surprised. she's hurt jose two times already and he gave in again and believed she was done with kurt and he actually wants to go out with her but she's really not showing that much interest in him anymore. hmmm kurt or jose...? i would go with jose. he has a job, a car, he goes to school.... ah no my sister is dumb and chooses the controlling guys not the nice ones that will actually treat her right and not like some stupid sex slave. i wanna see my bf today. i wanna see him every day though haha. parents might go out of town real soon...like tomorrow soon. sleepover?? hahaha yeahhhh right. paycheck comes on friday. $$$$ how exciting. thursday markets tomorrow. gotta register for classes at the end of july. how scary. im growing up. wow. i wish i could move out. my family has really been getting to me lately. all my parents do is fight. i hate it. but everyone has family problems i guess. no ones perfect. fuckkkk carpet burns itch like a bitch :/ i wish the dark knight came out this friday. i really wanna see heath ledger on a giant movie screen. i dont even care if he looks like a freakin weirdo in that movie he's still hot. no work all of next week. im excited for more free time. more time to spend with cody <3 gotta go, theres a vegetarian sandwich in the kitchen with my name on it...

woooooooooowwww

mood killer. i fucking go on here all happy and now i'm on the verge of tears. i hate this. fuck the fourth of july its the worst holiday ever created. i've never liked it its so fucking retarded and tonight is probably going to be the worst fourth of july ever for me. work is going to suck. i hope you enjoy the fireworks you fucking losers. oh and im really sick of people trying to keep shit from me. so work is going to blow. i have to walk there by myself. fucking kids going nuts. worrying about certain people while my friends have a "mind blowing experience" watching fireworks. how cool are you. fuck my friends. fucking druggies. someones going to overdose. someones going to get hurt or arrested. and you're all fucking stupid. first it was weed then coke then x then this. wow. i cant wait to see what you all will do next. i really wish i had friends i could be proud of. but i dont. i dont even know anymore. fuck. thanks a lot.

carpet burn

sooo i just got home from a "kickback", there was like four people there, seven if you include me jason and alex. but i got to hang out with jason before he leaves for arizona at the end of summer so it was all good. im gonna miss that kid a lot. he probably won't miss me since he's leaving to move in with his 22 year old girlfriend. and then i come home and see that bree added this song that i had posted a while ago and the lyrics matched perfectly with how i felt about cody at the time. its called "if the moon fell down tonight" look it up if you have free time. of course now foour months later my feelings are much stronger and its hard finding a song that perfectly fits with how i feel about him. nine inch nails "closer" comes close though hahahahaha just keeding. so my back is fucking sore. and skins missing off it. but im not really complaining :) spent the night at kurts two nights ago. but i didnt go to bed until 11:30 am roughly, then got about three hours of sleep. i miss my boyfriend and its only been a day since i last saw him. :/ work was gay tonight. then subway was closed so i didnt get that for dinner. then jason came over at like eleven and we went to this mansion where some fat bitch lived. the place was fucking huge just like the fat chick hahahahahaha. and now its two in the morning and im starving and tired. hopefully i can go to hunters tomorrow. even if its only for two hours. and hopefully jerry has his thing on friday even though i have work. and hopefully theres something in my kitchen to eat because imma go raid that shit. fuck i ate all the rice krispies this morning :(