haha

this gets me in trouble so im done with this shit for now.

fuck my life. fuck everyone. things are just getting worse. fuck family i dont have one. fuck education. fuck having a roof over my head fuck stability fuck friends fuck keeping friendships after graduation fuck my job fuck the heat fuck bruises fuck birthdays fuck crying fuck depression fuck drugs fuck you fuck me

5 PM

feeling stretched thin
lungs bursting with words
but lips remain shut
sometimes even breathing is a challenge
the only thing keeping me going is the love running through my veins
words escape: "can you feel me melt beside you?"

six months today

time goes by wayyyy too fast. but i couldn't be any happier :)



i love this boy soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much <3

gang watch??

idfk. theres so much bull shit going on its hard to determine truth from lies anymore. what the fuck happened to honesty. two faced people really piss me off too. like seriously you talk sooooo much shit on him and then you're all over him when he comes around. makes me want to throw up. i'm not going to kiss his ass and act like i like him. how am i supposed to when he treats my sister like crap. stay out of their business? ha its a little fucking hard when i'm around jamie 24 fucking 7. and i'm not getting involved i'm just voicing my opinion so if you don't like it then fuck off. afi has a new song and its unsurprisingly not that great...in fact its kinda shitty. ha wow. i've come to realize i put up with a lottttt of shit. it takes so much for me to get upset. and when i do i just hold it all in. thats how i am, i don't like talking about things when i'm upset because i don't like putting other people in a worse mood. i like keeping the atmosphere positive. today was actually pretty fun even though it didn't go how i expected it too. the one thing i really really wanted to do i didn't get to. if it doesn't happen saturday i think i'm going to shoot someone. seriously. but anyways today was a bit different, we didnt really hang out in our usual areas. the tunnels were creepy yet fun. ouch i just tried to chew ice and for a second i forgot my mouth is super sore from the ortho today. fucking dentist. whatever my dentist is super chill and he always smells like weed for some reason haha. okay i completely got off topic. maybe i should just stop typing. who knows how much i am allowed to type without getting in trouble. turns out more people than i thought read this. how weird is that? i'm not even good friends with like half of you why do you care so much about whats going on with my life?!

i needa showerrrr

looooong weekend. irregular sleeping patterns. my back is sore from sleeping on floors all the time. first thomas' then kurts. saturday night wasn't as great as i had hoped. a lot of shit went on and it didn't get good until about 12:45 when i finally got to lay down haha. we watched the lion king at kurts house and cody tried making me watch the sad part haha bitch. topher was tripping on the cat. went to bed at like 6:30 then woke up at ten to pancakes. went back to bed after eating and woke up at 12. yeah i need better sleep. sooo i wanna do something cute for the 12th but i have no idea. do you even celebrate 6 months??? idfk, it seems like kinda a big deal. but idk because i'm definitely no expert on relationships. wooo i ate a shitload when i got "home". i got to see my kitties today finally after two whole weeks. it was really depressing. the only non-depressing thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. thank god i have him to help me get through all of this. the hard part is not knowing how much longer i'm going to be living like this. how akward is this spilling my emotions to strangers? maybe i'll lay off the blogspot for a little while since it tends to get me in trouble because i'm so ridiculously open on here.

...but home is nowhere

fuck i can't find that song anywhere on myspace. just got outta the shower. haven't been home in forever. 25 hours away from "home" it was good :) this week has been so up and down its ridiculous. and the week isn't even over. soooo lets seee hmm sunday i went over to codys, that was fun. monday was work, that was pretty lame. tuesday i went to the college to take a test and couldn't because i don't have a picture id so i was in downtown for three hours waiting for cody to get outta summa school, and at 11:42 a.m. i was at starbucks sitting alone and then the earthquake hit. it was pretty nerve racking since i was all alone and because my phone stopped working after that. then school got out and i met up with cody and jerry, justin anders and miranda too....jerrys house was fun :) then i went over to codys house for dinner and that was pretty fun too :) then wednesday i had work again and that was gayyyy. then yesterday was the market and i got to fullerton at 11 and had a bagel and blake hooked it up with some free frucci which was freaking delicious. and a bunch of shit happened at the market yesterday which i don't feel like typing out. basically i talked to vee and bre, straightened it out i think..idk. mindy was there which was fun because i love that girl. then it basically went like painkillers, frezzies, ralphs, hillcrest couch, bust, messing with topher, hole in the wall, bust, eric and tylers house??? abandoned house, tandem bike, thomas' house, backyard, ghost? the warriors, sna(not watching movie at all, fun fun sweaty sweaty)tch x1.5, the mummy, sleep. basically. and tonight should be fun i hope. i want to get drunk. fuck. i want to move out. i want to live on my own. but places are so expensive and theres no way i can get a job to afford monthly rent. :/
on happier terms: 6 months is approaching. shittt it seems like yesterday we had just started going out. and now look, half a year later and i'm insanely happy <3 i love this boy so much. we've had a few rough times but we stuck through it and haven't given up and every little speedbump just makes us that much stronger. yeah i used to be a little insecure about all the girl attention he got but i don't freak out over it as much as i used to. because i have him, not them. i still get fucken pissed off but thats normal. girls have no respect whatsoever. they just better not cross the line because i'm not afraid to fling fists. there's no one else, nothing else in this world that makes me as happy as he does. every fucking day i fall harder and harder for him. i don't know what life would be like without him. i'm not sure i would still be here. fuckkkkk <3