happy halloween. last night was terrible. c got mad because i was dancing with the same boy that hit on me at the last party. well i guess it was more than dancing. he was constantly trying to be all over me and it was a little awkward because i wasn't reciprocating the affection at all. i probably would have been able to make a better decision but i had been drinking a bit. thats no excuse though. i didn't even kiss him though. he kept trying to kiss me and stick his hands down my pants but i wouldn't let him. i just feel like i'm going in the opposite direction i should be going in to fix things with c. ugh. tonight probably won't be good. oh yeah thats my halloween costume. you can't see the socks or the boots in the pic though :/ i'll upload a better one when i get the chance

woo got my costume ready for tonight. going as a hooters girl thanks to my neighbor who has like 5000 hooters outfits since she worked there. i hope its cute.
saw paranormal activity. scariest movie ever! i hate psychological thrillers like that.
i really hope tonight is fun. bitches better back off.

ooh i forgot to mention yesterday, randall tried to get me to kiss him. and i had just finished talking about c with him. besides the fact that him and c are good friends, he should also have remembered that i have never reciprocated any feelings towards him ever since he confessed his love for me in february. it was a bit of a shock and i don't do very well in awkward situations like that. fjdkajl;aksjaklja. and thennnnn damion had to bring up every memory he had of me and him and proceeded to sing the song he dedicated to me. oh and i did i mention kerensa was five feet away? i like hanging out with jamie's group but if i'm constantly going to be put in awkward situations i don't know what i'm going to do.
last thursday market tonight.
randall was weird today too.
i don't understand why but it seemed like everyone wanted to talk to me today. i got stopped like four times walking down the street before i even got home. my neighbor peter invited me to his halloween party haha he only lives one house down from me. i wont be going to his party though unless i get home early enough, if i even go home that night. i was looking forward to this weekend but c and i haven't improved at all and i have a feeling things aren't going to get better between us soon :/ i don't know how we got to this point, we were getting pretty serious then all of a sudden he's practically ignoring me. i never should have gotten my hopes up.

today was lame. and cold. tried hanging out with victoria for like the millionth time but of course she was busy with aaron. why do i even still try? honestly? i can't remember the last time she asked me to hang out with her, oh yeah it was when i had something on me she wanted. she didn't even want my company probably. falkjksljklasjakla i feel like i should talk to her about this. so that makes two people i need to talk to. i think i should reevaluate my friendships if i keep having to talk to people.

and the royal mail is on strike so idk when my orders from the uk will be shipped :/

woo taco tuesday!
i still have yet to talk to him. mr avoidypants seems to be really good at avoiding me
well ugh!
finn riggins tonight at victorias house, now if only she'll reply to my text messages.


sooooo i had the chance to talk to him but i didn't take it. instead when he was around we just acted like everything was fine. :/ so i guess i won't be having the talk with him after all. maybe it isn't such a big deal. idk. but i don't think things are what they used to be yet. maybe they'll improve this weekend, or friday at least. i should have just talked to him. damn why do i always have to chicken out? i'm just asking for a sorry its not that hard to ask someone for that, right?

well he never replied yesterday. so as luck would have it class was canceled and i got to go over to the high school to "confront" him at break. i was trying to tell him why i was mad at him but he walked away before i could even finish. its like he didnt even care. his excuse was he fell asleep at khas and then woke up and went to his house. so while walking to your house you couldn't reply to me?? ugh whatever. maybe i can FINALLY settle everything tomorrow. i haven't even gotten to talk to him about the whole him taking my money problem. i just want to fix all this so we can go back to how we were. happy. today kelsey asked me why i still like him after everything he's put me through and how come i don't hate him. i guess i don't really know. i just keep having hope that he'll appreciate me as much as i appreciate him or something like that. there are better guys out there for me but i don't want to look for them because i don't want to lose him. ugh. complicated shit. but theres such a close bond i don't know how life would be like without him there. he became my best friend since i had a shitty excuse for one. this is way too deep and i'm tired and i hate spilling my guts on here. so i'll bitch about how victoria invited me to go to vantage point to take pictures with her today around four but never called me to meet up even though i called her and texted her. oh but she could reply when i told her i got a costume. did you just forget we made plans to hang out or were you too busy dealing with aaron's shit again? why do i let myself put up with people that treat me like crap?

well fuck them. dirt nasty at slidebar on wednesday. halloween parties on friday and saturday. seeing steph on saturday and getting away from my "friends" and actually going to a party with people my age. all things to look forward to. and maybe we can for disneyland on sunday.

"what are you doing today?"
"i have no idea. what about you?"
"i dont know but i was hoping i could see you sometime today unless your busy"

and then you stop replying. how convenient of you to be sleeping right after i text you that. i know you don't like confrontation but you can't avoid this forever. if you don't reply to me today i'm just going to have to surprise you at lunch tomorrow so we can talk.

well to make myself feel better i bought "me, myself and irene". hopefully that will cheer me up. i don't know if i should use shopping as a way to make me feel better though.

i already posted today butttttttt

today was the shittiest day of the week. the twenty dollars i gave c and c was used for something completely other than what i gave them the money for. the worst part was they havent manned up and apologized and they didn't tell me about it i had to find out from victoria. i can't believe the guy who supposedly likes me would do such a shitty thing like that and not tell me or apologize. and he stayed the night at some bitch's house too. what the fuck dude way to make me feel even worse.
then victoria and aaron start fighting. again. so i'm third wheeling it at her house while they bitch at each other.
finally she takes me to golden hill and my sister is incapacitated to say the least. fun night for sure.
tomorrow was supposed to be disneyland but i guess not anymore. i guess i'll spend tomorrow having a few talks with some people.

i hate how it takes me a few listens to actually like a Muse song
i hate how i went to bed hating you and woke up loving you all over again, jut because of a stupid fucking dream i had. you didn't talk to me all week practically but last night you thought you could be cute and flirt with me?? then show up at my house last night at midnight for twenty bucks. you better fucking save me some. last weekend we were amazing and then this week you had to go all bi polar on me and we took like 92348917710192748734872 steps backward. i'm tired of having my feelings shoot way up for you then suddenly have them plummet all over again. if you want to enjoy the single life then tell me because i dont want to just be a weekend fuck. i'm so much more than that and YOU KNOW IT. so step up or i'm done with this for good. i just want your appreciation is that so hard?

anyways, i need a halloween costume asap. steph invited me to a halloween party and i'm very excited for that. i just need a costume. i'm not buying a 40 dollar one from party city, waste of money. i would rather put it together myself. i was thinking like maybe a lion. but lions are boys. so idk that was a bad idea i guess.

going to a play with jamie. have to watch "to kill a mockingbird" for oral interp. class. i've never read the book so i have no idea what this play is about. i hope it's good though. and then later tonight.. no idea. probably meeting up with the cody sandwich.

ordered two things from the UK today
hope they ship fast
i'm not telling jamie what i bought though so i can surprise her when they both come
i also pre-ordered the AFI AP issue
i kinda wanna get my christmas shopping done already
people give me your lists so i can buy you things!!

also applied at toys r us and going to apply at target again haha
anddd talked to steph
i feel very productive today
i'm going to be 20 next year i should be focusing on getting a job and saving up, i don't want to end up like my parents
so if i have to say goodbye to partying on the weekends then so be it

oh but i forgot to mention:
2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce
VVVVVVVVVVVVV

thank you cal grant for adding 700 more dollars to my account
disneyland time??
i think so :)
did you know 1 out of 2 people marry their first love?

sooo today started off bad but blake just texted me wanting to meet up so hopefully it improves from here :)
will update more later.

hanging out with blake was really fun. it's really relieving when someone is experiencing the same things you are. i can relate to him so much! i super hope we meet up again soon and talk or hang out.

ugh so irritated
i feel like i'm having PMS except that should have happened last week
im getting so frustrated with everyone and i don't know why
i just feel like i'm putting in a lot more effort than other people
and i dont see why i try so hard if half these people dont even act like they care about me

ugh my tummy hurts :/ i hope it feels better soon.
house is on tonight so i gotta be home early to watch that
and write the first draft of my english essay. should be easy though its about music.

what happened to your queer party friends?

hungryyyy. last night was fun. i got hit on by a boy with the initials aj though. kinda awkward when c was like ten feet away and this boy is trying to feel up my ass. fun party though and i'm super glad jamie could be there at the end so i wasn't like alone or anything haha. the other night at babysitting c's mom introduced me to her friend as his girlfriend. awkward? maybe for him haha. i don't know if i should bring it up. it might not be as important as i'm making it out to be. but if his mom thinks i'm his girlfriend why doesn't he just go ahead and make it official already. oh well i'm content with how we stand so i guess an official title isn't that important. it's just the security though. blahhhhhhhh. haha i told dominic greco his girlfriend is a whore. oh my hahahahaha. someone should put a leash on me when i drink.
"i'd tear out my eyes for you my dear to see everything that you do...i'd tear out my soul for you my dear oh my dear anything to feel everything as you do"

babysitting was fun, tiring but fun. had to watch those demon kids until two in the morning.
then sleepover at c's house.
went to bed at like 5? woke up at like ten.
five hours isn't enough sleep.
so imma take a nap.
parties tonight probably.
awesome.

damn its really hot out. knotts scary farm was so much fun last night. jamie and i got chased by monsters like the entire night. it was a lot scarier last night than when i went with c. "die for life!" "carmen? are you carmen?" "ahh get away from me punkin man!" "hey stick it in her butt" hahahaha my favorite was every time jamie got scared she would scream "fuck my ass!" hahaha. now i gotta get ready for babysitting with c. i don't know what to wear though. maybe my new shirt will come in the mail today and i can wear that. i really really wanna go see paranormal activity. someone please take me before it stops playing near me.

haunt with jamie tonight!!!!!!
super excited :)
babysitting tomorrow with c
should be fun fun fun
imma find jamie a monster boyfriend haha

you've got exquisite taste. i've got the marks to show

mmm nothing like coming home to a screaming house.
dysfunctional family? i'd think so.
step dad who needs serious anger management.
mom trying to keep the whole family together.
sister who goes behind the family's back and hangs out with her ex and won't open up to anyone anymore. i almost feel like i'm living with a zombie.
and another sister who's thirteen and acts like she's the best shit thats ever happened. not to mention her diabetes fucks up her attitude since she can't keep it in control.
i'm not saying i'm the perfect child. i've got my skeletons too. sex drugs and parties. i'm almost sick of everything. the future looks disappointing. whats the point of growing up if there's nothing to look forward to? its impossible to get a job and the idea of me supporting myself on my own terrifies me because i don't think i can do it.
sorry for this depressing ass blog.

rainy day :)

woo i love this weather :)
i got my new jacket on to keep me warm.
victoria and aaron are celebrating their six months today so i don't get to hang out with victoria for the third day in a row.
thats cool. maybe tomorrow if i don't go to d-land.
our math test got postponed to tuesday which pisses me off because my class is lazy and i was all prepared for it on thursday.
i'm prepared for my psych test tomorrow though thats for sure.
there needs to be more things to look forward to.

class was canceled today.
i stayed up studying for the big test we had today and i walk up to see a sign on the door.
thanks professor.
so i went and visited jamie and victoria in yearbook and got to see c at break.
i wanted to see him after school too but i don't think anythings going on today.
so hopefully i can go to the mall with jamie instead but she hasn't come home yet.
idk if malls are closed on columbus day but we'll find out.
i got a cute ass jacket yesterday :)
disneyland on wednesday maybe!

party last night was lame. full of gangsters and cholas :/
i got a cute sweater at the mall though.
jamie and i are going to tillys today, maybe i'll finally find a new jacket.
gotta study for my psych test tomorrow. kinda nervous.
i probably wont be going out today because i gotta study.
oh welllll

haunt was so much fun :) it was a little dead though but the mazes were fun. i also had someone to hold onto haha. i think jamie and i will have more fun though. it will be less stressful when it's just her and me. c and i stayed up until 5 this morning. i really think i'm starting to do better at communicating. he helps a lot when it comes to advice on what to do and stuff. and then he has to bust out his psychologist skills haha. besides jamie i think he's the closest person to me. he's practically become the b word. but i wouldn't dare bring that up. besides i think we're just fine the way we are. we would have to work past the communication and trust issues before a relationship was ever started up again. but oh well i don't know why i'm spilling this much. i'm tired. i don't know how i'm going to go to a party tonight i feel dead. but i'll try.

dear sugarmuffin

don't hold back. i know you aren't happy right now. i don't know whats making you so upset but things will get better. trust me. they always do. don't let people get in your way of being happy. if someone isn't making you happy, try not to be around that person as much. i know exactly how you are because i used to be that way, always doing what others wanted because you want them to be happy. stop it. you are your number one priority. you have so many good characteristics, you just have to not be afraid to show them. get out and meet new people, who knows what could happen. you're only seventeen, you have so much ahead of you. i know it seems like everyone around you has a boyfriend right now but you could have one too, just be patient. stop focusing on the negatives and focus on the positives instead. i have a feeling things will improve soon.

cortinas

tomorrow before haunt!!!!
i couldnt be any happier :)
its been over a year since i've eaten there haha
mmmmmm so excited<3

a blog a day

keeps the doctor away. not much to write about. it was pretty cold today. i'm so excited for friday. not really excited for tomorrow though. only get to hang out for a little because victoria and aaron have senior pics at five. oh well i can hang out with jamie after that. plus c has chores tomorrow so he won't be out late anyways. i cant wait for haunt next thursday with jamal. its so much fun when its just us two. i love that girl when shes scared haha. the whole park can hear her yelling "fuck and shit!" hahahaha. its hard trying to find a balance between jamie and the group. i wanna spend time with both as much as possible but when i dont hang out with one of them i feel guilty. ah i'll figure something out. i hope. three classes tomorrow. awesome. my toes are cold. i think imma wear my new shirt tomorrow. okay this blog is getting like super pointless. i was in a really good mood today. weird.

your name is Dont Answer for a reason. even if you call me off a blocked number, i'm not going to answer. i wish you would just get the hint and stay out of my life. you upset me every time i see you. no its not because i have feelings for you, its because you constantly bring up the past. i don't think anyone understands how upset i get but its pretty bad. i'm not the same naive person i was four years ago, i've changed so much buddy. obviously you haven't. don't text me saying "hiiii<3" every fucking time i see you really really really upsets me. you can hang out with my sister every day if you want but thats the closest to me you'll ever get. please stay out of my life.

on a happier note, zombieland was one of the best movies i have seen in a long time. it was nice having quality sister time too. and we saw mark or dave or whatever his name is that used to work at our starbucks. pretty good day today. hopefully tomorrow thursday and friday are the same. especially friday. i gotta get my ticket though. i'm so scared for the cloverfield monster though! hahahahahahahaaha. at least i'll have a cute boy's hand to hold

its pretty cold.

my new shirt came

house is on in five minutes.

alright day.

slept in and missed class though :/

haunt on friday should be interesting...

mm mom bought subway :D

last night was interesting to say the least. i can't write about anything that happened though. no sleep. nothing to look forward to except haunt on friday. super excited for that. and this weather is pretty good. i gotta go to the mall with jamie and get makeup. 

ps i'm sorry bertha

homecoming!!

tonight.

i look pretty spiffy :)

hotel room after...

nervous

nervous

nervous

<3

lets hope my cold goes away within the next three hours haha

i hate waiting for things to arrive in the mail. the anticipation is killing me. i spent $109 on one tank top so it better be worth it. and by paying that much money i should be getting it like today! i'm chugging oj like no other. hopefully the vitamin c keeps the demons away for this weekend.  party tonight in la habra. homecoming tomorrow. c bought his ticket. he wants to get a hotel tomorrow night. part of me says yes the other part says no. guess which part will probably give in haha. i spent my whole summer last year living in a hotel so they kinda turn me away now. but the idea of having a night completely to ourselves is really tempting. of course i'm sure people would want to come over and get trashed or something. its a dangerous idea. very dangerous. if i had it my way everyone would have to be out by midnight. i still don't know though. i'm not very good at saying no to people. and there are people i could imagine showing up who i wouldnt want to be there. like other girls haha. oh well i've got like one day to think about it. and we've only talked about it through text so maybe if we talk it over in person we could figure it out better. yesterday in oral interpretation i had to talk about a significant moment in my life. i chose to talk about last summer and how hard it was on me. it was really difficult, probably the most difficult assignment i've ever done, but i feel a lot better now. i think it actually helped me to be more open with my friends since i opened up to a class full of strangers. 

i still can't believe i met davey havok :D

damn it be windy out

walked to class only to find out it was canceled. ugh! i had to walk through like 50 mph winds. haha. and i think i'm getting sick because i do not feel well at all :/ my throat hurts and my nose is all stuffy. i blame it on a combination of nocturnal, waiting in line at best buy in the cold, and waiting in the cold to meet afi.  oh and c was also sick so that may be the reason. idkkk though. i'm tired. i really dont want to go to class today. but i have to. shit. maybe my shirts will come in the mail before this weekend. i hope. i just better be healthy by saturday or homecoming is going to suck. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!!