i'm video chatting with victoriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :)

but assface wont text me back :/

i went to urgent care last night. i have pneumonia :/ the medicine they gave me made me throw up so i have to go back to urgent care today to get new meds hopefully these stay in my stomach. jfajksajaskjask i need to stop worryinggggg. but thats insanely impossible. my body feels like someone used me as a giant punching bag and it hurts to even cough because my stomach muscles are on fire from coughing all last night. completely off topic but the fire alarm in our room would randomly go off last night. i think our new place is haunted.

i feel like i'm dying. ive been laying in bed all day with a cough that feels like my lungs are trying to jump out of my throat. i'm so sick. i hate it. hopefully i'm better by tomorrow or friday at the latest. the only good thing about this is i dont have to help move i just get to lay here while everyone else works haha. 

Craig Mabbitt

was at the word alive show. thats him in the green plaid. he came out on stage and sang with them for Are You On Drugs. he's such a good singer :) not to mention he's fuckin hotttttt. jamie and i rushed that stage when he came on. shoving bitches left and right hahahaha she even punched some fat guy. my hearing still hasn't fully come back from the show and it's already been two days! i hope its back tomorrow since its gonna be my mofuggin birthday. imma be ninefuckingteen holy shit i don't feel 19 at all. thats so old. i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow. i thinkkkkk i'm going over to cody's but he's sick so hopefully he's better tomorrow. imma make him sweat that fever out dammit! that boyyyy idkkkkk. things change so much after only a year but some things remain the same. i wish i could go into detail but i don't know how to clarify it without writing about my personal life and i've been in that mood to not spill so much anymore about what goes on. i'll leave it to your imagination. the mighty boosh is on tonight at 1 i'm excited to watch it. hopefully i can stay up that late. it really doesn't feel like my birthdays tomorrow. i wonder who will be the first person to wish me happy birthday. 

three days

until my birfday :D mindy canceled the party though :/ so i have no birthday plans. someone make some for me?? i get into disneyland for freeeee that day but i don't have anyone to go with unless someone wants to buy themselves a ticket. yesterday i was supposed to hang out with bre but things fell through so i went over to cody's instead. tonight is the word alive show and i'm so fucking excited you don't even know. they're my favorite band and this will be my fourth time seeing them. and then they're coming to whittier on july 4th and hopefully i'll be at that show too. soooo we got the house on wilshire but my aunt is being a bitchhhhh and not wanting to help pay for it but she wanted to pay more for an apartment we didn't get approved for. so confusing. i really hope she changes her mind though because the apartment is so cute and its like four doors down from kerensa. it would be so convenient, jamie and i could walk to school and we would be in downtown and everything would be soooooo much better. the lady even said we could move in today. i dont understand why my aunt is being all megabitch now when she's the one who's the most depressed about us not being in a house and shitttt. i'm so frustrated now. and for a second there i thought things were getting better.

ichat

sooooo much fun! i'm so happy i can talk to victoria on it. it sucks we cant video chat though. maybe we can when she gets to florida. i wanna video chat with someone!!! today was super fun. i got to see lethal weapon for the first time and some of lethal weapon 2 but i wasn't really watching it. i still am really uncertain about whats going to happen though. but i don't care that much because i'm happy with how its going. never thought this would happen again. actually i kinda did :) and for those of you who don't approve, suck it. i dont approve of the guy you date but that doesn't stop you from going back to him every time he fucks you over. i've been thinking it was wednesday this whole day, but its only tuesday ha. wow i'm so lame. maybe i can hang out with bre soon if she lets me. i wanna see kerensa tomorrow! so much to tell her haha. well goodnight!

"prepare to bring an extra pair of panties bcuz i just found out the hottest of the hottest guys r going to be at our party :D" 

well that text from mindy sure made me happy haha. eeee i can't wait. saturday seems so far away. ugh. i hope everyone i invited goes. i'm really excited for friday too. i get to see my favorite band play :D i'm really trying to persuade my parents into getting the apt on wilshire, it would make everything so convenient. but my dad keeps looking at places in placentia and anaheim and those are nowhere near my school or jamies school only haylees school. victorias gone. i hope her flight landed safely, well actually she's still on the plane. i won't find out for two weeks how her trip is going because she can't get texts while in peru. hopefully i can hang out with bre soon but she's being really distant. i just wanna see her again :/ i miss lexi too. i got to see her for like three seconds last night then we had to leave. i hope she gets a day off soon. and hopefully she'll be at my bday party. i hope it warms up soon this weather is depressing.

LA Pride Parade

thats where imma be today :) i'm so excited. its going to be ten times bigger than the Long Beach one. it would be weird today if i didn't talk to him since we've talked for like eight days straight. ehh here comes the worrying. so i realized that i analyze everything way too much. i overthink things and try to find hidden meanings. i just need to accept things the way they are and not look for underlying things that might not even be there. we found a place a block away from kerensa, i hope we get it. today is victoria's last day, jamie and i have dinner with her at four thirty. i'm going to miss her. she better bring me back something cute from peru though. ahhh i gotta get ready.

clove smoke catharsis

if i could catch my breath

just to exhale

i'd know that i held it in too long

didn't expect last night to happen. i honestly don't think we'll ever consider each other just friends, there's something more between us. but as for another relationship.... highly unlikely. i just consider him one of the closest people to me and i'm very happy with what we have. i don't expect anything more from this, if we could just stay like how we are right now i would be one hundred percent content. 

i think.

spoke too soon

didn't get the house actually. so we gotta keep looking. kinda sucks. i was really looking forward to stability. maybe we'll find something better and closer to downtown. victoria leaves on monday for a whole month. idk what i'm going to do. friday is the word alive show at chain. saturday is mine and mindy's dance/birthday party. thats all i have planned now. 

i like the way it sparkles

things are really looking like they are improving and i'm super stoked. we got an apartment by target and it has two bathrooms which makes me happy because i'm sick of this one bathroom shit. i'm going to try my hardest to get a job somewhere. maybe at toys r us? or target? idk but a job is like my main priority right now. i started crying today because things are starting to become stable again and i'm so happy. we're going to have a house for a year at least because we had to sign a year lease and my grandparents are helping out for the first year too. no more hotels for a whole year at least and hopefully never actually. this summer is going to be amazing i know it. i have one less stress. i just have to focus on getting a job and maintaining my friendships. mindy and i are celebrating our birthdays together at her house and its going to be a dance party. i'm so excited for it. ahh! :) she's got super hot friends too haha. and i've been talking to c lately and its making me really happy to maintain a friendship with him. i'm so over j haha. and d. i heard theres a lotta college boys in the apartments where i'm moving :D 

turn my swag onnnnn

my days are better

just by talking to you. my emotions are so strongly tied to you its insane. 

i smell like a bonfire. tonight we're having another one though so i'll probably be smelling like one for the next two days. 

everything is turning to shit. the flyers aren't hiring anymore so my last option of having a job has been diminished. 

everyones breaking up or fighting. theres so much hate around me its pretty depressing.

i feel like the goals i have i will never accomplish.

when will everything get better?

i need to find someone who can handle me

but i'm looking in the completely wrong place. hooking up with 16 and 17 year olds brandi??? come on you can do better than that you're almost 19. oh god i'm a pedophile hahahaha. but really i need to get away from the high school scene. and find myself a mature guy. these boys are so young and have no idea. i need someone experienced. but not like man whore experienced. ugh so complicated. i need things to change. and soon. 

i'm kinda irritated at this guy right now. he told everyone that after hooking up with me he just thinks of me as a friend. i dont really care how he feels its just he told everyone BUT me. and he was supposed to tell me i guess but he pussied out or something. way to go. as i recall though he was the one asking me to fuck him. friends dont fuck each other though. way to be a confusing assface. its okay you couldn't handle me anyways. 

i just got out of the shower and i'm having a hard time getting dressed. it feels so good just to walk around naked all fresh and clean haha. i have to start walking in an hour though so i better get dressed. i get to go watch the aviator with kerensa and codyyyyyy. 

its june first

and that means twenty one days until my 19th birthday! i don't know what i'm going to do for my birthday though. victoria will be gone so idk who i'll spend my birthday with :/ i'll need to find someones house to stay at because i definitely dont wanna go home that night. girls night someone turned into girls with guys night. it was still fun though. dillon stayed over at victorias with aaron victoria jamie and me. jamie left though because she thought i was hooking up with dillon on the couch but i wasn't. victorias house is just squeaky so things can often sound like something they are not. anyways i didn't get any sleep that night and sleeping on victorias couch is really taking a toll on my back. i'm starting to walk like the hunchback. hahahahaha victorias mom just called jerry handsome! crazy lady i swear. she's leaving saturday for a week, i can only imagine the things that will go down in this house while she's gone.