go to bed

today was funnnnnn :) that's why tuesdays are fun tuesdays. too bad HOUSE is on mondays now. but i would have missed it tonight if that was the case. i spent pretty much all day with my bf :) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yep. kurt had to go and be an asshole though :/ but really what's new there. we went to olive garden for dinner tonight...a double date i guess even though kurts parents and sister were there too. i really really want to get mushy and cute right now and write about all the cute stuff that happened today. but i'll refrain. i'm falling hard. good news i have a walking partner for graduation and it's steph! yay! one less stress! we talked for an hour tonight. it felt really good to talk to her. hopefully i can hang out with her this weekend. and hopefully i get a new phone super super soon. i really wanna text. mm so i read a text from bre to cody and it kinda got me mad that she would tell him she loves him but whateverrrrrr. he's not saying it back so i'm not gonna stress. ditched first and second today. gta4 came out and i want it badly. i need to think of what i want for my birthday...cody's already asking me what i want...even though my birthday isn't until june...but that's like a month and a half away i guess. fuck i'm hungry again. and i ate a lot at olive garden tonight...so wtf. i need to take a shower but i smell like my boyfriend so i don't want to :/ ah oh well. fuck it's late.

went to a party last night. saw my bf. i actually approached him and talked to him. yepppp. well i avoided him until jake-izzle my nizzle came over to me and told me that cody wanted me to go say hi to him. so i went over and it was kinda awkward at first but that was probably my fault since i make things awkward all the time. i dont really need to go into details about everything but basically he apologized and wanted to talk to me more about but had to leave. i was supposed to go over to kurts house and stay the night with him but my dad said no and had to be an asshole and say that it wasn't morally right that we stayed the night but whatever he's let us go before which is what i dont understand but gahhhh fuck him. there's always tonight...i hope. and then i can finally talk to my boyfriend and find out what's up. except last night when he was saying sorry and stuff he was drunk..so will tonight be different when he's sober? will he go back to ignoring me? or will he remember everything he said last night? i'll just have to wait and see. so last night at that party i got hit on soooooooo many times it was gross. there was like a 10:1 ratio for guys to girls. fucken sausage fest. and even my friends were hitting on me! my guy friends that KNEW i had a boyfriend and they were totally trying to get with me. one of them even tried to kiss me and kept putting his hands on me. those were my boyfriends friends and they were trying to get with me! wtf. it was horrible. i saw a few friends completely wasted and it made me feel so much better about staying sober. i saw my friends getting groped by guys they didn't know and being taken advantage of because they were drunk and it was pathetic. but they put themselves in that position...a sort of competition between them to see who could get more fucked up. wow. lame.

did you forget me?

apparently. are we still together? ksajksajkjsaskdsakhshhdshshjssah yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh nothing like feeling invisible. so i understand you're stubborn and so am i. but we both know something's wrong. so why can't we approach each other and just talk about it? how long will we drag this out? i have so much to say yet every time i get around you i freeze up. i avoid you. or you avoid me. and things definately are not the same anymore. maybe you just need your space, maybe i'm boring, maybe you've found someone better...just please tell me. i know i worry too much. ever since i was little i have constantly worried over the slightest things. it's just how i am. i'm sorry. i have a million things running through my head right now but i don't know what else to say.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

what the fuck? ah. what's so great about her? is it because she's more hardcore than i am? is it because she listens to the same music as you? is it because she's more experienced than i am? because she's more willing to touch your dick? think i'm jealous much? yeah deff. put yourself in my position: go over to kurts house to hang out with your boyfriend and he spends all of his time in the other room with kurts sister talking to her. how do you expect me to feel? am i dwelling too much on this? should i just blow it off? it's hard. i want things to go back to normal. i just don't know how to make it happen. and then i feel all this pressure that i have to satisfy my boyfriend. according to a certain someone i dont make my boyfriend happy because i can't satisfy him. fuckkkk. excuse me for not jumping on your dick every chance i get maybe i just want to spend time with you. i hate feeling rushed. i dont want to move too fast. but whatever if it's what he wants then i'll do it. i feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo threatened and i hate it. because it causes me to analyze all my flaws and compare myself to her and fucken stress out like a mofugga not like i dont have enough stress as it is. but all of that shit was talked about in the last blog. yeah i've got a research project due this week, i have to give some speech in english and i hate speaking in front of people, i've got to pay for grad night, senior breakfast, a new phone, possibly prom.........idk if i'm still going though, and all this other crap. i've got to make sure my grades stay up before graduation. i've got to mail in my transcripts. i've got to finalize this stupid college crap. oh yeah and i have to make sure i have someone to walk with for graduation...which seems nearly impossible because i spent my senior year growing apart from all my senior friends rather than growing closer. and i'm sure steph is walking with amanda :(
so sorry if i seem distant lately, i have way too much on my plate. i really want everything to work out though :/
i just really don't want to lose.....

sorebutt

i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stressed right now. there are so many things going on right now. prom, graduation, projects due, college shit, senior crap, drama in the group crap, phone broken, etc. ugh and i kinda dropped a friend this weekend. and some people are telling me i'm being too clingy and others are saying i'm not spending enough time with my boyfriend and i don't know what to do. because i dont want to make the wrong decision and lose him. and prom is fucking stressing me out because idk if i even want to go anymore. i'm just worried cody wont have fun. and my friend invited me to go with her group of twenty people but they want to go to after parties and such after and i dont drink and i dont want to go with a big group. and this weekend was stupid. people exaggerated things to make me think the worst in the situation and i started crying and yeah. fuck. last month was so much better. i hate april i hope may is better. the fantastic four might be getting back together. no not the movie, me cody kurt and jamie. sleepover this weekend? idkkkkkkkkkkkk. idk idk idk idk. senior meeting tomorrow. more stress. english project due soon. even more stress. i think my ear is getting infected :/ more more stress. trying to keep everyone happy. super super stressful. ahh i need sleep. and a new phone so i can text. i can only hope things will improve.

better.

i saw cody on sunday. i was so scared to approach him i really thought he was upset with me. but it turns out he wasn't. things are apparently back to normal. it's kind of hard adjusting though because i was so upset and now everything is all happy again. but whatevaaaaaaa i get to spend time with my boyfriend. i asked him to prom :) well it was more like a "you should go to prom with me" haha. he hates dances. i'll try my best that night to make sure he's having fun. we dont have to dance. i'll eat the whole night i dont care haha. i just want to be with him. thats it. he's a cutie. yes he is. here i go getting all mushy again. fuck that haha. fuck boys that still ask for nudes. no means no. shiiiiittt. what more do i have to say to you??? oh well. short blog today i guess. i took a nap. now i cant sleep. and its almost 11. school tomorrow. prom assembly. fun tuesday. cant wait until thursday market. kittens went missing. that will make no sense. dont even bother. i want a bunny. okay now i'm rambling. i should have taken an earlier nap. fuckkkk stop texting me i'm not gonna show you my goods!!! go fuck your girlfriend. mmmkayyyy byeeeeeee. ah luc just texted me. not even gonna go there.....

run

to think i might not see those eyes
makes it so hard not to cry
and as we say our long goodbyes
i nearly do

light up light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear


OMG so last night i cried for like twenty minutes straight. i don't know what i did. apparently i was "too clingy" but i know i wasn't. i've probably spent a total of five hours with my boyfriend this entire spring break so i dont see where i come off as being clingy. so yesterday i went to the market and expected to hang out with my boyfriend but he was at the mall and that was fine because i would see him when he got back. so he gets back and i see him and i say hi and we kiss and it seems like everything is fine. and cody and i flirted for a bit and i was so happy because it just seemed like everything was good. then jamie and i left to pee and i came back and cody wasn't there so i called him and met up with him at mcdonalds. and all of a sudden it seemed like everything was different. he just went outside and sat. no flirting no talking i dont even think we made eye contact. well then after mcdonalds kurt offers to let jamie and i walk with him and cody to kurts house so i can spend some time with cody before he leaves to san francisco with kurt the next day (today) and the whole walk to kurt's house we dont even talk we dont walk next to each other its like we dont even know each other. its awkward as fuck and in the meantime i'm stressing out almost on the verge of tears because my boyfriend wont talk to me and i dont know what i did to get ignored. but it gets worse. so kurt drives jamie and i over to where everyone is hanging out so he can drop us off and the whole car ride cody just looks out the window he won't even hold my hand he won't put his arm around me it's like he's the only one in the backseat. and when we get dropped off i look over at him and i said bye and he just looked out the window. he didn't even say goodbye to me. and at that point i lost it. i could not stop crying. thomas called kurt and wanted to talk to cody but i guess cody was busy. i messaged kurt when i got home and he told me i was being clingy. what the fuck. so yeah i had mascara running down my face and i looked like shit. and i almost had a panic attack i was shaking. i dont know what i did for him to ignore me like this. he's in san francisco right now and i won't see him until sunday or monday. which means our two month anniversary tomorrow wont even be spent together. not like it's a big deal or anything. so another thing: last night kurt told me his sister tried to get with cody...and apparently she told kurt cody tried to get with her. maybe thats why cody has been ignoring me because he thinks im mad at him or he feels guilty. honestly: i don't care if he cheated on me. i just want him. i dont want to lose him. i can't handle that. he's such a good person and i can't lose him. i would die. this morning i woke up feeling like shit. i almost threw up. this is more than i can handle. what happened to my cute boyfriend? he stays the whole week at kurts house and all of a sudden he's changed and he wont even talk to me. it's killing me inside. i dont know what will happen next time i see him. i'm so scared. the next few days are going to kill me. unless he texts me. but i doubt that. since he cant even look at me why would he want to talk to me? omgggggggggggggggggggggg what did i do?????? how did this happen? :(

spring break

has been pretty lame. i can't lie. it's not how i expected it to go at all. my boyfriend has spent the whole week at kurts house and i can't even hang out with kurt because i'm always with jamie. therefore i dont get to see cody as much as i would like. sucks. and last night kurt guilt tripped me into thinking i ditched my boyfriend to hang out with jasmin and all of them... but i didn't ditch cody. we never made plans to hang out. i wanted to see him. i really really really did. but i was told by kurt not to leave jamie with jasmin and them and that's who i was hanging out with so i couldn't leave her and meet up with cody and everyone and knowing kurt he would probably have another excuse for me to not hang out with them. I JUST WANT TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND!!! fuckkkk. and hopefully kurt and his posse come to the market tonight so i can see cody. i'm so frustrated right now and i really want someone to talk to. maybe hunter, i tried talking to him last night but he was drunk :/ i need more sober friends. saturday will be mine and cody's two months so i better get to hang out with him that day. or i'll rip someone's throat out. i have this awful feeling that things aren't right. but i get like this with every boy. it's so hard to think positive when there's so much negative drama going on around me. well tomorrow i'm going to the mall to pick out a prom dress. i haven't even asked him to prom yet though, i know he hates dances :/ but it's my last dance of high school and i really want to go. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i feel like throwing up. i hate being in the middle of things. i just want to go to the market tonight and get the biggest icee ever made and eat it all. sour apple and vanilla. mmmmmmmmmm :) and hopefully kerensa goes because she seems really nice and our group needs better influences. no offense but i can't stand having immature freshman in it. and i really really want to see steph soon. she would probably make me feel better about everything. my spring break has been so jaksjfkajajalajafhfsfhhaaaa and honestly i dont see it improving any time soon. i have so much expectations. but whatever. this is what i get for hanging out with people younger than me :/

impatient

waiting to go over to codys to hang out and possibly help with his project. but idkkkk. hes still hanging out with his friends so i dont know when ill be able to go over to his house. hopefully soon.

mmkay so a few days ago someone asked me if i would cheat on my bf with them. this person has a gf too. what the hell? i didnt even have to think about the answer. its a definate no. why would i ever cheat? there's noone better than who i'm with right now. i used to be one of those people who cheated. actually i was more the girl that all the boys cheated on their gfs with. gahhh. but thats a different book. point being: dont try to get me to cheat on my bf. because i wont. davey havok could walk into my room naked right now and i wouldn't bang him. as difficult as that may be. there's no way i would be able to live with the guilt of hurting one of the people i care about most. now if i had a bf like kurt...i might be more prone to giving in to the cheat demon. no offense kurtiss. and im not saying jamie would cheat on you!! she never ever would. not after what happened with the whole andrew situation. mmm yeah stop aking me for nudes too. you aint gonna see me naked. do i have to use every excuse in the book to get it into your head that im not gonna show you my goods? and you have a girlfriend!! go look at her naked. i just wanted to talk with you and be friendly. but i guess you had different motives. whatevaaaaaaaaaa

so im in a pretty bad mood because people who say they wont drink anymore end up breaking their promises. people are so pathetic. my friend txted me this morning and she was already drunk........gayyyyyy!! she got drunk at eight in the morning. wow. im still pretty upset with her. im upset at a lot of things right now. like super frustrated. so frustrated i cant even think straight :/

sleep

sounds so good right now. but i havent typed here in a while and i feel like i need to. i dont know where to begin though. i guess i'll just start typing whatever comes into my head first. you have no idea how close i've come to uttering those words....it's so hard to hold it in. i want to tell you so bad. but i'll wait for you. you just texted me :) and you make me smile. honestly....i feel myself melt beside you. and i try to give you your space because im afraid to smother you. so please dont get the wrong idea :) you really mean a lot to me.
mm so today mindy asked me if i had a best friend. and i thought about it...and i dont. unless you count jamie. but she doesnt count. shes family. i used to have a best friend. i used to have a really good one in the summer and before then, but then senior year came and schedules got busy and i dont know what happened we drifted. then i got another best friend in december but then i kissed her ex and she dropped me as a friend. so if you ask me, i dont have a best friend. i think i have closer guy friends than girl friends.
another thing. fjkajksjkjajakja. yep. idk i have this weird feeling. its really hard to explain. i know what it is though. i dont know what to do about it though. i really wish i could explain but i cant.
theres probably so much more i'm leaving out but it's late and i must go to sleep so i can wake up early tomorrow and get ready before bre comes over.