the downward spiral

i hope it rains more. i like when it rains. what i dont like is hearing about my relationship being talked about. the only people that have the right to talk about my relationship is me and my boyfriend. so everyone else needs to stay out of my business. thankss :)

personally

i blame myself for ruining tonight. i ruined my boyfriends birthday. the way things went tonight i dont even know if he wants to still be my boyfriend. i never should have showed up. its all my fucking fault. i have a huge headache, cant sleep because im sooooooooooooo scared of whats going to happen tomorrow :/ fuck fuck fuck today has been the worst day ever. i was fucking told my bf was cheating on me like wtf yeah i dont believe it but to hear someone call you up and tell you something like that really fucks up the rest of your day. the worst part of this wholeeeeeee thing is the fact i lost jamie. she doesnt care about me she didnt do shit when kurt was yelling at me she couldnt even look at me. i have no one to fucking turn to. ughhh. i dont want to wake up. ive never been this fucking nervous before. my headache is just getting worse. jamie and kurt wont stop yelling at me. its all my fucking fault. im so sorry. for everything.

rampage jackson

watching this ufc fighting match makes me wanna beat the shit out of someone. i wish there was a fight club because i wouldnt mind making someone bleed :) im not rooting for rampage though, i want the other guy to win. bought my boyfriends present todayy. bought the book Candy also, funny how i can relate to so many lines in this book. i love it though, it makes me happy. i didnt go downtown after work just so i could stay home and read, i am soooo lame. tomorrow should be interesting...

i fucking love it :)

gross

never eating and watching house again. todayyyy hmmmm haha. went downtown to see people but didnt. so i went to the mall to get my frustrations out and shop. got cute things. idk what im doing saturday, im really nervous about going. ah. nah i gotta be tough. i just hate being this jealous. its scary. but you gotta fight for what you love right? agfaadsljuyag this has been the slowest week ever.

woah

didnt know what tree man looked like so i just googled him...yeah shouldnt have done that when im home alone, biggest mistake ever. now im scarred for life. no sleep for me. not like i get any ever though. but on a happier tone...im in a good mood today :) yeah that "bad news" wasnt bad at all. ilcac :D haha figure that one out. moms bringing home subway. house is on tonight. fun tuesday. woo! im gonna go draw now. <33

indecisive

came home from the mall with pretty much nothing. i was so indecisive today it was terrible. i went in vans twice then tried on the two shirts i couldnt decide on but picked neither. i got a jacket though. borders didnt have the book i wanted :( it was sold out. i realllyyyyy think the fantastic 4 should go to scurry farm together. itd be fun. yeahhh. its only monday. boo. i hate waiting for people to write back. i just wanted to know one thing and its taking forever to find out, i know the news wont be good though. oh well. paycheck comes thursday :)

minestrone soup

was all in the toilet last night. threw up three times. gross. what a way to end the night. discovered a giant bump on my shin this morning. i have new cuts and bruises that weren't there two days ago. barely remember shit from last night. i feel so stupid. i know i said a lot of dumb things and i know i did a lot of dumb things. i heard some things happened after i left, lets hope they aren't true.

thank you mindy for keeping me up until 1:30 last night. im glad i could help you with your boy problems :)

theres so much i can say yet nothings coming out. talking with bre just made me realize how much more depressed i am. she helped a little but it just showed she's the only person that cares. i think if i went away everyone would be better off. no one wants to hang out with someone who's depressed all the time. going away to nevada really sounds appealing. maybe i can go next week, or maybe after codys birthday so i can give him his present. no more ksf. work was insane today i came home bloody haha i didnt want to leave though. its too early to sleep, theres nothing to distract me though. i wanna play soul caliber right now. jamie hasnt been home for 6 nights straight. haylees gone. i wish i could be gone too. mmm i hate this. and im really really sorry to whoever reads this like seriously im probably putting you in a shitty mood and im so so sorry. truly. i just want you to be happy so dont read these because they're always so negative and i promised you i would try and stay positive but its hard, i really dont want to bring you down. yeah like that last sentence wasnt directed at anyone in particular hahaha. bleh. theres a bowl of frosted mini wheats with my name on it. someone text meeeeeeeeeeeee.

just to let you know

that song wasnt even worth the wait

wanna sleep

took a sleeping pill for the third night in a row :/ cant sleep yet because attack attack is putting a new song up soon. if i had to think of my favorite day of summer it would be friday/saturday at tophers :) i was soooo happy then. my birthday comes in second though, that was a fun day too. i was thinking about just getting away from everyone and staying up in nevada with my grandprents for a while...i wonder who would miss me. i probably wont go up until october and im only going if things dont improve. not even jamie cares about me anymore, it sucks. i need a HUGE self esteem boost. and i need to stay away from the sleeping pills.

hi

do me a favor and never talk to my boyfriend again

ugh i wish it was that simple but noooo half of the female population want him.
its his smile, thats the first thing i noticed when i first met him and thats whats making all the bitches wet themselves haha. whatever theres nothing i can do but ignore it which is like telling a bulimic not to go to the bathroom...FUCKEN HARD!!

playlist

was up until one last night making it and i'm not even done. theres a random mix of my favorites, guilty pleasures and songs that remind me of certain things and people. today was a letdown. just have the weekend to look forward to.

fuggin headaches

i hate them. i feel sickkk. idk why though. saturday was weirdd. earlier that morning i was thinking of old times at kurts then i ended up spending the night there with cody just like old times. except we got accused of doing something we didnt even do. but whatever. i gotta go bday shopping soon. i have a few ideas of what to buy :) sooo before their eyes has a new really good song. they'll be at chain nov 8th i believe. gotta get my ticket for ksf too. i feel like i've been distancing myself from everyone. idk why though :/ hopefully moving will make things better. i finally have a free weekend. topher still owes me haha. house is on tomorrow!!! :)

cross your fingers for me please

for the first time in two months it seems like things are headed in the right direction. i got a volunteer job at petsmart which i'm super excited about because i get to work with animals and its one step towards my dream :) then we have college shit and i met with this guy who i guess is paying for all my classes spring session and giving me money towards books. i cant wait to start college and meet so many new people. alright so now time for the really big news, if things go well i may be moving into a house on saturday. no more hotels for me :) the location is ideal, just down the street from the thursday market and its literally 4 houses from victoria. i've reallyyyyyyyy been looking forward to having my own room again and having friends over. so lets hope for the best <3

realization

everythings my fault, yet i do nothing about it. my self esteem is completely shot. i dont know whats happened. i feel like i cant make anyone proud. no one cares anymore. i just wish someone actually could bring my self esteem up but lately ive been feeling a little forgotten. all this free time has really been depressing me...which is why i went and applied everywhere today. so far ive applied at see's, michaels, coffee bean, target, petsmart, vans, and henrys. lets hope i get a call back soon.

fuggin chit

imma kill my orthodontist. i got stupid bands today and i can barely open my mouth. sucksss. tomorrows gonna hurt like a bitch i can already tell. i dont know what i'll be able to eat and i really don't feel like going out in public with these things on. ran around everywhere today i'm so tired. i got up at 7 to go to the jc to get college shit done. had an ortho appt which was gayyy then walked by the potential house and did a walk thru, the bedrooms are huge which makes me happy. then walked to cefiore to apply but they weren't hiring even though i was told they were. so now i gotta find a new job potential. maybe petsmart haha. i miss my babe :/

weirdddd

i saw pictures of emile hirsch at the pineapple express premiere and i couldnt help but notice the resemblence between him and someone else i know....:


<333

morning

woke up to a new amazing song by the word alive. i would kill to see them at chain this friday. might go to fullerton to give thing one and thing two the death stare. fucken hoes i swear. i thought last night was my last day of work, i was wrong :/ had trouble sleeping last night, i couldnt stop thinking about who had been in my bed earlier that day haha. gotta go buy birthday presents soon, i've got a few ideas of what im getting certain people. knotts scary farm is approaching and i cant fucking wait. imma jizz hahahaha. and 7 months is almost here already. damnnnn. <3

oh yeah someone take me to the mofuggin mall i need to go jacket shopping

ha. i tried.

but writing is how i vent. unexpected guest today haha. weirddd. got work in 30 minutes. lame. but im in a good mood now. yep. :)