i fucking hate this
you can't even sit next to me in the damn car?
what the fuck did i do to you
grow the fuck up you piece of shit

shithead mcgee showed up to the party i was at last night. i could barely breathe when i first saw him. i wanted to cry and i almost held it in but i couldn't. i wanted to talk to him and tell him how i felt, but i didn't thin a party was the right place to do it. i had to sit in between him and randall on the drive home and it was the most awkward ride ever. it felt like a three hour car ride when it probably on lasted twenty minutes. a part of me wants to stay mad at him and ignore him and be a bitch but the other part wants to talk to him and try to fix this. i'm so conflicted and i'm still in shock. he's being so immature about it too. he won't even look at me when i talk and he acts like i don't exist. i hope he feels like shit for what he did but knowing him be probably doesn't give a fuck about how i feel. i'm sure the other girl is better than me in so many ways. its a battle i'm probably going to lose.

i honestly never expected this to happen. i don't even know if i can type this without throwing up. just the thought of what went down last night makes me so sick. fucking cody stayed the night at some bitch named lindsey's house last night. i guess lindsey is hunter's chick's friend who thinks cody is hot and apparently cody and her have been hanging out a few times but last night was the first night he spent at her house. i'm still in shock. utter and complete shock. 6 months of us hooking up and then this happens? without even a hint at this chick. for five weeks straight i stayed the night at his house at least once a weekend and there was never any hint at there being another girl in the picture. we made plans for new years. i bought him a fucking expensive ass christmas present. the thought of him fucking some bitch last night makes me so sad. i know we weren't "official" or anything but he was always the one making the effort to hang out with me, that obviously means something right? i feel cheap and used and so so so so stupid for falling all over again for the same boy who broke my heart last year. it hurts worse the second time around. at least last year i had some idea that it was ending. not this time. fuck hunter he's a stupid manwhore and fuck him for introducing some cunt to the boy i've been seeing. this is completely ridiculous and i just wish yesterday was erased from time and he never went over to that bitches house. i'm stupid for wanting him back. i almost regret texting him last night and pretty much ending what we had. I JUST FUCKING WISH I COULD BE ENOUGH FOR HIM but i never am. i knew this would happen i just didn't think it would happen when everything seemed fine. i can't imagine what the next few days are going to be like. merry fucking christmas.

was SUPPOSED to go on a double date to the movies today but c had plans to go to hunter's girlfriend's christmas party instead. awesome. i guess i can just throw your 60 dollar present away. if you wanna fucking move on at least fucking tell me first. don't be a pussy and just avoid me for a week. we went through this shit two times already in the past four months why do you have to suddenly and randomly just stop talking to me?? seriously you need to get your shit together and grow a pair because i'm so done with this. last weekend you wanted me to stay at your house both nights and you were being super cute then all of a sudden it's like i don't even exist. what the fuck dude? theres no way in hell i'm letting you put me through this especially since new years is coming up. ill make sure i'm the one standing next to you at midnight. not some other fucking bitch. you already made plans with me to be with me on new years so you better fucking stick to them i don't even care if you get a new girlfriend by then haha. but seriously stop fucking doing this to me. i'm not just one of your hoes. we have two years of history you should know me by now. i'm not giving up this easily. i'm going to fight until you either tell me that you're moving on or until i can fix this once more.

i got a motherfucking kitten!!!!!!!
he's cute as hell :)

fuck petsmart. we couldn't get the cat we wanted because they had to be nazis and try and make us buy two cats instead of one. so now we have to search craigslist and the pound for a cat and i really wanted pretzel. victoria got a cat though, actually she got two but we can't find one. today was alright. i got super mad at c but then somehow by the end of the night we were talking again. that boy is the most confusing person ever i swear. i asked him if i could stay the night sometime this week and he said yes. i just hope he sticks to his word.

me and victoria are getting closer again i'm so happy :)
party tonight!
and tomorrow night!
and sunday night!
and the rest of the two weeks hahahaha

i'm now completely convinced june was the right month for me to be born in
it's gay and lesbian pride month
andd national zoo and aquarium month
perfect right?

today is going to be boring. i can already tell. here are a few random things in my purse:
hot cheetos with lime
two pairs of mittens
beanie stolen from brian that he'll never get back
mini hairbrush
lotion
cherry carmax chapstick
ipod charger
barbie stickers
hand sanitizer
an assortment of colored condoms i got from the gay pride festival
aqua shades
stride winterblue gum
watermelon flavored gum
bag of rips with three left
my glasses
ipod
birth control
california id
first aid certificates
$131.00
movie stubs
two lighters
smirnoff mango sticker
red ninja
one black button
fortune from fortune cookie that says: "life brings you a bold and dashing adventure"
gold daisy earrings
and a million other pointless things

my eyes are tired. i probably shouldn't have drank with brian louis paul and adam on my balcony tonight with jamie. then i went downtown afterwards for a little bit. i wonder if c knew i was drunk. probably. oh well it's not like he cares about me on the weekdays. i almost ordered something online but i stopped myself. moms making pizza. yummy. today was kinda lame but tomorrow should be better i hope. jamie's at a show i wanted to go to but i didn't wanna go when it was last minute. plus i would have passed out there.

AND OH MY GOD i just checked dearcoketalk and she posted my question and answered it! i'm in complete awe right now hahaha. wow dude.

i'm addicted to zooworld on facebook. yes i know i'm a nerd. the body of james wernke was found today. its kinda unsettling when a dead body is found so close to my house. had my last final today so i'm pretty happy my break has begun. didn't really do much but imma decorate our tree in a few minutes. my new boots gave me blisters but i'm determined to break them in especially before new years. today has been really boring. but bad girls club is on tonight!

going to get a christmas tree :)
got brian and paul's christmas presents today
all thats left is haylee's
i got cute ass new boots from tilly's also
and ordered some new makeup from sephora which should be arriving in a few days
jamies present will most likely come wednesday
it seems like every present i buy for someone i have to buy myself something also haha
oh well
got to see c today, he's different on the weekdays though, like i barely get any attention
idk maybe guys are just weird like that around their friends
i'm not stressing that much over him anymore
it is what it is and i'm content with that so i should just let it be
if things get better, thats great
if they stay the same, thats fine
and if they get worse, shit happens i guess
but i won't let it get worse imma fight for what i want dammit
ooh i got new gloves today also they're purple and cute

too late for gods

didn't plan on staying the night again at c's but i did
stayed up until 3:30 laughing at everyone being drunk then passed the fuck out once my head hit his pillow
shay and jax came over and shay was super drunk and we stayed in c's bedroom and talked shit on hoes and other things hahaha
i thought she hated me but i guess not
we found out we had a lot of things in common last night, like we hate the movie thirteen ghosts ahaha
huntie missed out on the festivities because he left early
randall made me eggs this morning, well 2 in the afternoon isn't really morning but it felt like morning to us haha
overall the entire weekend was pretty chill but i'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight
gotta study for my psychology final i have tomorrow at 9 am
might go down to tilly's first and check out their boots
and pop into petsmart and look at Pretzel who is number one on my christmas list
oh btw pretzel is a cat haha

c kidnapped me last night and i got to stay over at his house
it was nice having someone to cuddle with while it was raining
i gotta get ready and go back over there in like an hour or so
hopefully my headache goes away by then
my dirt nasty booty shorts came in the mail today :)
so did fudge from grandma and a stocking filled with goodies

here's my dilemma

i had just finished paying for c's kinda expensive christmas present when jamie walks in and tells me that louis told her that c and that miley cyrus bitch hooked up this weekend on saturday at a party i wasn't at. if that's true i'm going to punch her in the face. and i don't know what i'm going to do when his damn christmas present comes in the mail that i just spent fifty dollars on. and last night i had the worst dream about it too :/ i really don't know what i'm going to do if i find out it's true. it's not like we weren't talking that day or anything. lfjlajlajlajajasasfd i really hope it's not true.

ugh i was outbid on ebay. but i'll keep trying!
maybe i shouldn't try though because c was being a dick today
he still hasn't invited me to his grandpa's birthday on saturday
but he invited one of the bitches he cheated on me with right in front of me today
i have a major headache
today started off so good too :/

bought jamie's present.
know what i'm getting haylee.
know what i'm getting victoria.
no idea what to get c. i was thinking sunglasses maybe but only if i can find some cheap ray bans haha
haven't even thought about what to buy anyone else yet.
suggestions??

i didn't write yesterday how weird.
getting ready to go hang out with mindy at starbucks :)
i barely get to see c anymore and i hate it
i'm barely out anymore because of finals going on and the cold is keeping me in
i still make an effort to talk to him everyday though
i'm just really craving some alone time i guess
but randalls always staying over at c's so idk when i'll ever get any alone time
ugh :/
and i really need to go christmas shopping

it's pouring outside
i hope it slows down before i have to go out there and meet jamie with an umbrella to walk home with
gotta get all bundled up
the streets are flooded
i hate walking to school on days like this
hopefully this rain doesnt last too long
i miss c
haven't really hung out with him in furrever
days like this make me wanna go ova to his house and cuddle
or make some hot chocolate and watch movies :)

txting me "good morning" at 2 in the afternoon? someone must have been out late last night. makes me worry :/

on a different note, jamie was super happy last night. probably because she was hooking up with a hot guy instead of acne face. hahahaha.

this was my night:
johnny tried to get with me. he told me he loved me. he tried to kiss me like three times.
where was c?
at riley's supposedly.
joe said c is trying to get with some girl though.
so i text c and tell him to come to gh to talk about what joe said.
all he said was "alrighty"
did he ever show?
no
was i uncomfortable with johnny?
yes
too bad c wasn't there to come to my rescue.

:/

freshly scrubbed

dont know what imma do tonight.
jamie wants to go see TWA in pomona
i don't know if i wanna spend 30 dollas on a show where i only wanna see one band play
if i don't go to the show i'll most likely be stuck in fullerton sitting around doing NOTHING
woo fun stuff
i wouldn't mind going over to c's tonight but that doesn't look like it's going to happen
i won't be able to stay over tomorrow night though so if it happened this weekend it would have to be tonight
i don't wanna overstay my welcome though by spending the night at his house every weekend
this would be like the fourth weekend in a row
victoria's art show was alright
her birthday party is in two weeks i'm super excited for it!

theres a bunch of hooligans downstairs.
c is sick so i think thats why he's being all standoffish
at least i hope thats why :/

i need people to send me their christmas lists.
not going out at all today, except to bring jamie food.
gonna buckle down and prepare for finals.
i gotta keep my grades up for the next two weeks.
victorias art show is tomorrow night.
hope thats fun.
who knows what will happen this weekend.
hopefully get to spend some quality time with c<3



...for a second there i was worried

im getting sick :/ i hope it goes away by this weekend. del taco for dinner. i have to wait two hours though before i get it. i'm starving haha.

woohoo house is on :)
its cold in here though.
i gotta register for classes tomorrow
i have a paper due tomorrow i should be writing.
blah.

i thought blood was thicker than water

blah i hate boring sundays. jamie left me for kurt. i've been trying to hang out with her all weekend but the second kurt wants to hang out with her she leaves me for him. she's not even supposed to be hanging out with him. and he's with summer every day he's not with jamie. i don't know how she can be okay with that. i wish a restraining order would help. i wish she wouldn't believe every word that came out of his mouth. she needs to know she can trust me. not him. ughhhh

tonight probably wont be a good night. chase got arrested last night. i don't know the exact details but it's probably not going to turn out good. it really really really sucks though. ah. last night wasn't that bad. a good friend of mine confessed his love for me though. we were talking and i turn around and guess who's walking up? yeah c wasn't too happy about it. it was a little bit awkward but hopefully it doesn't ruin my friendship or anything.

i watched pan's labyrinth for the first time last night. c fell asleep so i had to watch it alone. scurry shit man. especially the eyeball zombie thing. no wonder i couldn't sleep at all last night. c got to sleep for thirteen hours though. lazy ass haha. and then i got to shower in his shower. so now my hair smells like bed head shampoo and conditioner :) gonna go out tonight and do who knows what. hopefully it's fun though.

happy thanksgiving

i am so stuffed right now. i can barely walk haha. last night was fun. i got a little too drunk but whatevs. going over to c's tonight that should be fun. if only my headache would go away.

five day weekend?

i guess so since psych was canceled today. i really hope something fun happens tonight. i didn't shower and get all pretty for nothing haha. c beat call of booty already. i was hoping i could go over to his house and watch him play but i guess that won't happen now. maybe i can still go over though. thanksgiving is tomorrow though so idk. i can't wait. i'm so anxious for thanksgiving food! i think im gonna finish the chips and dip before haylee gets to it. i've been having some really weird dreams lately. idk why though

today went by pretty fast. it wasn't that boring. jamie learned how to play posoy or however its spelled. finally haha. del taco for dinner. yummy. its supposed to be warm today. i want the cold weather back. tomorrow is going to feel like a friday. lets get some 4locos! hahaha.

Bent

was such a super amazing play. i saw one of my classmates completely naked though haha. oh well it wasn't a bad view. the play was really hard to watch at some points but it was even harder to watch knowing shit like that actually happened during the holocaust. i almost cried at the end but i held it in because i didnt see anyone else crying. there were a few really intimate moments with the two characters and the audience kinda laughed when they shouldn't because they were put into an awkward situation with two men talking about having sex with each other. that really pissed me off. it was a serious moment and people laughed about it. whatever. house is on tonight. and bre is coming down. i didn't see or talk to c at all yesterday :/ i hope i don't have to see that dumb dani cunt after school today. the weather better not be fucked up as usual.

stop that ho before i sock that ho

some BITCH named Dani pissed me off last night. she was trying to be all over c last night and her half naked cellulite ass followed him around like a lost puppy. bitch better not be around at the next party i go to or i'll knock her ass out. its bad enough i have to see her every day after school hanging out with my group. she looks like a fat version of miley cyrus. it's not like i'm worried she actually has a chance it's just that the bitch needs to back the fuck off. morp sucked ass. last night was pretty lame. tonight i get to see "Bent" and i'm super excited yet super worried i'm going to cry. i'll have huntie's shoulder to cry on at least haha

it was this sexy fuckers birthday yesterday and i completely forgot :/ last night was cold and lame until c and i went to his house at 11. of course retard left the window open so when we got there his room was freezing haha. oh well it warmed up eventually haha. and then shithead spent all day today playing call of booty until i went home to shower and get ready for tonight. morp tonight with jamie and c. i hope its fun. its going to be cold tonight so i dont know what to wear. and then who knows what we'll be doing after that. i need to get new boots.

you are a manipulative piece of shit and i don't know how ANYONE can like you. the fact that you can get one girl, let alone play two at the same time baffles me. i've never hated anyone more than you and i honestly wouldn't give two fucks if you died a horrible painful death. you are a useless waste of space and a fucking liferuiner. you have ruined my sister's life long enough and i hope one day you feel as much pain as you've put her through. of course you would have to have a heart in order to feel that and i highly doubt there's a single ounce of caring in your entire body. you are a pathetic acne ridden jew nosed tiny dicked cunt and i pity your family for having to put up with your shit constantly. you're the poster child for abortions. just fucking die already so my family can have peace for once in their life.

yesterday was lame. got super angry :/
basically my sister is really dumb when it comes to love.
he's obviously playing her and she doesn't accept it.
why would she stick with an asshole who embarrasses her in front of all of her friends?

brrr it sure is cold out. i got to see bre today! i'm going to morp with jamie on saturday. imma get my dance on.
i hope it doesnt rain tomorrow. all my college shit is finalized except for one workshop i have to go to. and then i get to register on the first! ooh thanksgiving is coming up i'm so excited :D

my cd finally came :)
im so happy. bmth sounds so good remixed haha
johnny talked to jamie and kurt today and for the first time in three years someone has actually made a little bit of impact on their relationship and shit and whatever they have. i have a little bit more respect for him now. of course he's still a pervert hahahaha. my eyes are so dry i hate this part of the weather. i planned my schedule for next semester and i have to take three really hard classes. i'm not looking forward to that at all. oh well i'll still try my hardest with that shit. house is on tonight and i can't wait.

sleep over at c's last night. fun stuff. i had been waiting a whole month for that to happen again :)
we never talked about anything that happened like the whole note writing thing or anything. oh wellll.
maybe things will keep improving. who knows.
psychology test tomorrow. i'm actually pretty confident about this one.
knock on wood.

cosmopolitans are a lot stronger than i imagined. either that or johnny likes his drinks strong. damion flipped out on johnny last night because he thought he was trying to hook up with me. i guess he took it a little too seriously when my mom asked him to look after us. he also had a talk with c but i have no idea what they talked about. i ended up being a major bitch to c last night and i wouldn't have been that mean if i was sober. i don't understand why every time i drink i end up hating him. well except for tuesday night i guess. i know i made an ass out of myself and i sincerely regret it. the party got canceled so i have no plans tonight. i hope it doesn't turn out like last night.

oh i will be alright, just use me

ugh my favorite bracelet broke :(
i hope jamie gets the job. she's at the interview right now.
i have no idea whats going on tonight. hopefully its fun though.
tomorrow is nikki's party i can't wait. connor will be the dj. woo!
went to a study session today for my psychology test on monday, hopefully i can get an a on the test.

well things are slowly improving, i think. we're talking now at least. we haven't gone back to texting yet though. maybe that will happen soon hopefully. i really hope this weekend just makes things stronger instead of ruining the little chance i got back. part of me just feels like jumping back into acting like how we used to be but the other part is holding me back. it's like the beginning of summer all over again.

exactly a week

has gone by
and i honestly wasnt expecting what happened last night to happen
lets just say i ended up kissing c
so many more questions now
and none of my other ones have been answered
oh dear oh dear

day 5

of waiting.
c was at victoria's last night but i left my phone upstairs for two hours and by the time i found out it was too late to go over
this keeps getting dragged on and i fucking hate it
and i especially hate constantly having dreams where we make up and everything is okay. then i wake up. i can't even escape this shit in my dreams!
piece of shit

c didn't even show up at victoria's last night
neither did taylor
c decided to go to the stupid hotel party instead
all of his real friends were at victoria's house though
is he really avoiding me that much? idk
but last night was lame and this shit is never going to get settled if he keeps running away

i'm scared i've thrown it all away and i'll never be the same

tonight is going to be just awesome.
kickback at victoria's
taylor will be there
can we say halloween all over again?
i hope not
i better lay off the alcohol tonight unless i plan on becoming a depressed angry mess and pushing c even farther away than i already have
the way i see it he's already way past me getting him back
and to make it worse aunt flo had to show up for an early visit
bitch wasn't supposed to be here until tomorrow

wow i didn't post yesterday. thats surprising. STILL waiting for c to come and talk to me. saw him last night at golden hill, he said hi and the only conversation we had consisted of how both of our feet were cold. i guess he hates me. he told tori i was "trippin" bitch what the fuck does that mean?? i got a healing yesterday from victoria's mom i feel a lot better now. i would feel even better if c would just talk to me though. am i really that intimidating? might go over to victoria's today. who knows. i am becoming very fed up with this situation though.

if you listen, listen close you can hear when the heart stops

today had its ups and downs. woke up at 645 to get to the school by 815 for a meeting with my counselor. i'm right on track with schoolwork so thats good. math test was postponed. got a twenty out of twenty on my english paper :) i beat the guy who usually gets a perfect score haha. oral interpretation was fun. we walked to victorias house and did our scenes there. i have a healing tomorrow with victorias mom. then i find out jamie and kurt were at my house home alone. thats great. my ortho appointment was quick and easy, i dont have to go back for another ten months and while i was there i ran into my moms friend who said she could get me a job at rainforest cafe :) i'm definitely going to take her up on that offer. then i walk over to a and vs and c is there but he still won't talk to me. its been longer than 24 hours since i gave him the note but he still won't talk to me about it. i wish he knew how stressful this is. and i guess that taylor bitch wants to hook up with him. i'll punch her fugly ass face if that happens. so that was my eventful day. now i get to stress some more over c. i just wish he knew how badly i want this to be settled.

i'm destined to remain you were never mine

so i wrote c a note today. i poured my heart into it and told him how i'm feeling. after school he acts like i don't exist.
guess that note did NOTHING. i just wanted to know what the fuck is going on with us or with him and he can't even give me a few minutes of his time to let me know. so what am i supposed to do? i feel worthless. honestly i guess i should just move on. he could at least give me the closure i need.

:(

hello no sleep tonight.

the bmth remixes are good i cant wait for the cd to go on itunes
didnt talk to c today. i was supposed to though but i pussied out :/

disneyland was alright. we saw frank iero from my chemical romance. we went on the tower of terror six times :)
i think i have whiplash from the matterhorn though. my neck hurts so bad :/
this whole dilemma is making me so depressed. i can't sleep well and i have no appetite anymore. it's really hard not to think about him. victoria said he was going to ask me out two weeks ago, back when we were happy. but something changed i guess? i honestly don't know where this sudden change came from. the night i helped him babysit i told him i wasn't used to being this happy. i brought that up halloween night when we were talking and i told him i jinxed it i guess but all he could say was "that's a book i don't wanna open right now" what the fuck does that mean? it obviously can't mean anything good but when is he going to want to open this book??? i can't wait around forever wondering what the fuck is going through his head. he needs to just come out and tell me because the wait is killing me. if he changed just because he met that bitch taylor i'm going to punch him in the face. he can't fucking think he was going to ask me out and then all of a sudden someone else shows up so he changes his mind. maybe it's because i flipped out on him for those girls being all over him and he hates clingy girls and i guess that made me a little clingy. but you would flip too if every girl kept coming up to him and he would put his arm around their waist. you know what he said about that?? "i can't help that i'm attractive" OMG well you can help that you can put your hands somewhere else instead of near some bitch's ass! this whole thing is just so upsetting and i really want to talk to him and fix this. fuck my life.All the shame, all the pain that you have caused...

My heart can't beat (my heart can't beat).
All the fights, all the lies you put me through...
It's your disease.
You take. You take. And you...
You take. You take. You take the life out of me.
(I'm done)
I thought that love was bigger than your hate.
I thought that love could change your heart, but I was wrong.

halloween was a total catastrophe. i got so mad at c and accused him of trying to hook up with some chick. ugh it definitely was not a good night and things definitely aren't good between us. :(

so i will escape to disneyland today to forget about the shitty weeks i've been having.

happy halloween. last night was terrible. c got mad because i was dancing with the same boy that hit on me at the last party. well i guess it was more than dancing. he was constantly trying to be all over me and it was a little awkward because i wasn't reciprocating the affection at all. i probably would have been able to make a better decision but i had been drinking a bit. thats no excuse though. i didn't even kiss him though. he kept trying to kiss me and stick his hands down my pants but i wouldn't let him. i just feel like i'm going in the opposite direction i should be going in to fix things with c. ugh. tonight probably won't be good. oh yeah thats my halloween costume. you can't see the socks or the boots in the pic though :/ i'll upload a better one when i get the chance

woo got my costume ready for tonight. going as a hooters girl thanks to my neighbor who has like 5000 hooters outfits since she worked there. i hope its cute.
saw paranormal activity. scariest movie ever! i hate psychological thrillers like that.
i really hope tonight is fun. bitches better back off.

ooh i forgot to mention yesterday, randall tried to get me to kiss him. and i had just finished talking about c with him. besides the fact that him and c are good friends, he should also have remembered that i have never reciprocated any feelings towards him ever since he confessed his love for me in february. it was a bit of a shock and i don't do very well in awkward situations like that. fjdkajl;aksjaklja. and thennnnn damion had to bring up every memory he had of me and him and proceeded to sing the song he dedicated to me. oh and i did i mention kerensa was five feet away? i like hanging out with jamie's group but if i'm constantly going to be put in awkward situations i don't know what i'm going to do.
last thursday market tonight.
randall was weird today too.
i don't understand why but it seemed like everyone wanted to talk to me today. i got stopped like four times walking down the street before i even got home. my neighbor peter invited me to his halloween party haha he only lives one house down from me. i wont be going to his party though unless i get home early enough, if i even go home that night. i was looking forward to this weekend but c and i haven't improved at all and i have a feeling things aren't going to get better between us soon :/ i don't know how we got to this point, we were getting pretty serious then all of a sudden he's practically ignoring me. i never should have gotten my hopes up.

today was lame. and cold. tried hanging out with victoria for like the millionth time but of course she was busy with aaron. why do i even still try? honestly? i can't remember the last time she asked me to hang out with her, oh yeah it was when i had something on me she wanted. she didn't even want my company probably. falkjksljklasjakla i feel like i should talk to her about this. so that makes two people i need to talk to. i think i should reevaluate my friendships if i keep having to talk to people.

and the royal mail is on strike so idk when my orders from the uk will be shipped :/

woo taco tuesday!
i still have yet to talk to him. mr avoidypants seems to be really good at avoiding me
well ugh!
finn riggins tonight at victorias house, now if only she'll reply to my text messages.


sooooo i had the chance to talk to him but i didn't take it. instead when he was around we just acted like everything was fine. :/ so i guess i won't be having the talk with him after all. maybe it isn't such a big deal. idk. but i don't think things are what they used to be yet. maybe they'll improve this weekend, or friday at least. i should have just talked to him. damn why do i always have to chicken out? i'm just asking for a sorry its not that hard to ask someone for that, right?

well he never replied yesterday. so as luck would have it class was canceled and i got to go over to the high school to "confront" him at break. i was trying to tell him why i was mad at him but he walked away before i could even finish. its like he didnt even care. his excuse was he fell asleep at khas and then woke up and went to his house. so while walking to your house you couldn't reply to me?? ugh whatever. maybe i can FINALLY settle everything tomorrow. i haven't even gotten to talk to him about the whole him taking my money problem. i just want to fix all this so we can go back to how we were. happy. today kelsey asked me why i still like him after everything he's put me through and how come i don't hate him. i guess i don't really know. i just keep having hope that he'll appreciate me as much as i appreciate him or something like that. there are better guys out there for me but i don't want to look for them because i don't want to lose him. ugh. complicated shit. but theres such a close bond i don't know how life would be like without him there. he became my best friend since i had a shitty excuse for one. this is way too deep and i'm tired and i hate spilling my guts on here. so i'll bitch about how victoria invited me to go to vantage point to take pictures with her today around four but never called me to meet up even though i called her and texted her. oh but she could reply when i told her i got a costume. did you just forget we made plans to hang out or were you too busy dealing with aaron's shit again? why do i let myself put up with people that treat me like crap?

well fuck them. dirt nasty at slidebar on wednesday. halloween parties on friday and saturday. seeing steph on saturday and getting away from my "friends" and actually going to a party with people my age. all things to look forward to. and maybe we can for disneyland on sunday.

"what are you doing today?"
"i have no idea. what about you?"
"i dont know but i was hoping i could see you sometime today unless your busy"

and then you stop replying. how convenient of you to be sleeping right after i text you that. i know you don't like confrontation but you can't avoid this forever. if you don't reply to me today i'm just going to have to surprise you at lunch tomorrow so we can talk.

well to make myself feel better i bought "me, myself and irene". hopefully that will cheer me up. i don't know if i should use shopping as a way to make me feel better though.

i already posted today butttttttt

today was the shittiest day of the week. the twenty dollars i gave c and c was used for something completely other than what i gave them the money for. the worst part was they havent manned up and apologized and they didn't tell me about it i had to find out from victoria. i can't believe the guy who supposedly likes me would do such a shitty thing like that and not tell me or apologize. and he stayed the night at some bitch's house too. what the fuck dude way to make me feel even worse.
then victoria and aaron start fighting. again. so i'm third wheeling it at her house while they bitch at each other.
finally she takes me to golden hill and my sister is incapacitated to say the least. fun night for sure.
tomorrow was supposed to be disneyland but i guess not anymore. i guess i'll spend tomorrow having a few talks with some people.

i hate how it takes me a few listens to actually like a Muse song
i hate how i went to bed hating you and woke up loving you all over again, jut because of a stupid fucking dream i had. you didn't talk to me all week practically but last night you thought you could be cute and flirt with me?? then show up at my house last night at midnight for twenty bucks. you better fucking save me some. last weekend we were amazing and then this week you had to go all bi polar on me and we took like 92348917710192748734872 steps backward. i'm tired of having my feelings shoot way up for you then suddenly have them plummet all over again. if you want to enjoy the single life then tell me because i dont want to just be a weekend fuck. i'm so much more than that and YOU KNOW IT. so step up or i'm done with this for good. i just want your appreciation is that so hard?

anyways, i need a halloween costume asap. steph invited me to a halloween party and i'm very excited for that. i just need a costume. i'm not buying a 40 dollar one from party city, waste of money. i would rather put it together myself. i was thinking like maybe a lion. but lions are boys. so idk that was a bad idea i guess.

going to a play with jamie. have to watch "to kill a mockingbird" for oral interp. class. i've never read the book so i have no idea what this play is about. i hope it's good though. and then later tonight.. no idea. probably meeting up with the cody sandwich.

ordered two things from the UK today
hope they ship fast
i'm not telling jamie what i bought though so i can surprise her when they both come
i also pre-ordered the AFI AP issue
i kinda wanna get my christmas shopping done already
people give me your lists so i can buy you things!!

also applied at toys r us and going to apply at target again haha
anddd talked to steph
i feel very productive today
i'm going to be 20 next year i should be focusing on getting a job and saving up, i don't want to end up like my parents
so if i have to say goodbye to partying on the weekends then so be it

oh but i forgot to mention:
2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce
VVVVVVVVVVVVV

thank you cal grant for adding 700 more dollars to my account
disneyland time??
i think so :)
did you know 1 out of 2 people marry their first love?

sooo today started off bad but blake just texted me wanting to meet up so hopefully it improves from here :)
will update more later.

hanging out with blake was really fun. it's really relieving when someone is experiencing the same things you are. i can relate to him so much! i super hope we meet up again soon and talk or hang out.

ugh so irritated
i feel like i'm having PMS except that should have happened last week
im getting so frustrated with everyone and i don't know why
i just feel like i'm putting in a lot more effort than other people
and i dont see why i try so hard if half these people dont even act like they care about me

ugh my tummy hurts :/ i hope it feels better soon.
house is on tonight so i gotta be home early to watch that
and write the first draft of my english essay. should be easy though its about music.

what happened to your queer party friends?

hungryyyy. last night was fun. i got hit on by a boy with the initials aj though. kinda awkward when c was like ten feet away and this boy is trying to feel up my ass. fun party though and i'm super glad jamie could be there at the end so i wasn't like alone or anything haha. the other night at babysitting c's mom introduced me to her friend as his girlfriend. awkward? maybe for him haha. i don't know if i should bring it up. it might not be as important as i'm making it out to be. but if his mom thinks i'm his girlfriend why doesn't he just go ahead and make it official already. oh well i'm content with how we stand so i guess an official title isn't that important. it's just the security though. blahhhhhhhh. haha i told dominic greco his girlfriend is a whore. oh my hahahahaha. someone should put a leash on me when i drink.
"i'd tear out my eyes for you my dear to see everything that you do...i'd tear out my soul for you my dear oh my dear anything to feel everything as you do"

babysitting was fun, tiring but fun. had to watch those demon kids until two in the morning.
then sleepover at c's house.
went to bed at like 5? woke up at like ten.
five hours isn't enough sleep.
so imma take a nap.
parties tonight probably.
awesome.

damn its really hot out. knotts scary farm was so much fun last night. jamie and i got chased by monsters like the entire night. it was a lot scarier last night than when i went with c. "die for life!" "carmen? are you carmen?" "ahh get away from me punkin man!" "hey stick it in her butt" hahahaha my favorite was every time jamie got scared she would scream "fuck my ass!" hahaha. now i gotta get ready for babysitting with c. i don't know what to wear though. maybe my new shirt will come in the mail today and i can wear that. i really really wanna go see paranormal activity. someone please take me before it stops playing near me.

haunt with jamie tonight!!!!!!
super excited :)
babysitting tomorrow with c
should be fun fun fun
imma find jamie a monster boyfriend haha

you've got exquisite taste. i've got the marks to show

mmm nothing like coming home to a screaming house.
dysfunctional family? i'd think so.
step dad who needs serious anger management.
mom trying to keep the whole family together.
sister who goes behind the family's back and hangs out with her ex and won't open up to anyone anymore. i almost feel like i'm living with a zombie.
and another sister who's thirteen and acts like she's the best shit thats ever happened. not to mention her diabetes fucks up her attitude since she can't keep it in control.
i'm not saying i'm the perfect child. i've got my skeletons too. sex drugs and parties. i'm almost sick of everything. the future looks disappointing. whats the point of growing up if there's nothing to look forward to? its impossible to get a job and the idea of me supporting myself on my own terrifies me because i don't think i can do it.
sorry for this depressing ass blog.

rainy day :)

woo i love this weather :)
i got my new jacket on to keep me warm.
victoria and aaron are celebrating their six months today so i don't get to hang out with victoria for the third day in a row.
thats cool. maybe tomorrow if i don't go to d-land.
our math test got postponed to tuesday which pisses me off because my class is lazy and i was all prepared for it on thursday.
i'm prepared for my psych test tomorrow though thats for sure.
there needs to be more things to look forward to.

class was canceled today.
i stayed up studying for the big test we had today and i walk up to see a sign on the door.
thanks professor.
so i went and visited jamie and victoria in yearbook and got to see c at break.
i wanted to see him after school too but i don't think anythings going on today.
so hopefully i can go to the mall with jamie instead but she hasn't come home yet.
idk if malls are closed on columbus day but we'll find out.
i got a cute ass jacket yesterday :)
disneyland on wednesday maybe!

party last night was lame. full of gangsters and cholas :/
i got a cute sweater at the mall though.
jamie and i are going to tillys today, maybe i'll finally find a new jacket.
gotta study for my psych test tomorrow. kinda nervous.
i probably wont be going out today because i gotta study.
oh welllll

haunt was so much fun :) it was a little dead though but the mazes were fun. i also had someone to hold onto haha. i think jamie and i will have more fun though. it will be less stressful when it's just her and me. c and i stayed up until 5 this morning. i really think i'm starting to do better at communicating. he helps a lot when it comes to advice on what to do and stuff. and then he has to bust out his psychologist skills haha. besides jamie i think he's the closest person to me. he's practically become the b word. but i wouldn't dare bring that up. besides i think we're just fine the way we are. we would have to work past the communication and trust issues before a relationship was ever started up again. but oh well i don't know why i'm spilling this much. i'm tired. i don't know how i'm going to go to a party tonight i feel dead. but i'll try.

dear sugarmuffin

don't hold back. i know you aren't happy right now. i don't know whats making you so upset but things will get better. trust me. they always do. don't let people get in your way of being happy. if someone isn't making you happy, try not to be around that person as much. i know exactly how you are because i used to be that way, always doing what others wanted because you want them to be happy. stop it. you are your number one priority. you have so many good characteristics, you just have to not be afraid to show them. get out and meet new people, who knows what could happen. you're only seventeen, you have so much ahead of you. i know it seems like everyone around you has a boyfriend right now but you could have one too, just be patient. stop focusing on the negatives and focus on the positives instead. i have a feeling things will improve soon.

cortinas

tomorrow before haunt!!!!
i couldnt be any happier :)
its been over a year since i've eaten there haha
mmmmmm so excited<3

a blog a day

keeps the doctor away. not much to write about. it was pretty cold today. i'm so excited for friday. not really excited for tomorrow though. only get to hang out for a little because victoria and aaron have senior pics at five. oh well i can hang out with jamie after that. plus c has chores tomorrow so he won't be out late anyways. i cant wait for haunt next thursday with jamal. its so much fun when its just us two. i love that girl when shes scared haha. the whole park can hear her yelling "fuck and shit!" hahahaha. its hard trying to find a balance between jamie and the group. i wanna spend time with both as much as possible but when i dont hang out with one of them i feel guilty. ah i'll figure something out. i hope. three classes tomorrow. awesome. my toes are cold. i think imma wear my new shirt tomorrow. okay this blog is getting like super pointless. i was in a really good mood today. weird.

your name is Dont Answer for a reason. even if you call me off a blocked number, i'm not going to answer. i wish you would just get the hint and stay out of my life. you upset me every time i see you. no its not because i have feelings for you, its because you constantly bring up the past. i don't think anyone understands how upset i get but its pretty bad. i'm not the same naive person i was four years ago, i've changed so much buddy. obviously you haven't. don't text me saying "hiiii<3" every fucking time i see you really really really upsets me. you can hang out with my sister every day if you want but thats the closest to me you'll ever get. please stay out of my life.

on a happier note, zombieland was one of the best movies i have seen in a long time. it was nice having quality sister time too. and we saw mark or dave or whatever his name is that used to work at our starbucks. pretty good day today. hopefully tomorrow thursday and friday are the same. especially friday. i gotta get my ticket though. i'm so scared for the cloverfield monster though! hahahahahahahaaha. at least i'll have a cute boy's hand to hold

its pretty cold.

my new shirt came

house is on in five minutes.

alright day.

slept in and missed class though :/

haunt on friday should be interesting...

mm mom bought subway :D

last night was interesting to say the least. i can't write about anything that happened though. no sleep. nothing to look forward to except haunt on friday. super excited for that. and this weather is pretty good. i gotta go to the mall with jamie and get makeup. 

ps i'm sorry bertha

homecoming!!

tonight.

i look pretty spiffy :)

hotel room after...

nervous

nervous

nervous

<3

lets hope my cold goes away within the next three hours haha

i hate waiting for things to arrive in the mail. the anticipation is killing me. i spent $109 on one tank top so it better be worth it. and by paying that much money i should be getting it like today! i'm chugging oj like no other. hopefully the vitamin c keeps the demons away for this weekend.  party tonight in la habra. homecoming tomorrow. c bought his ticket. he wants to get a hotel tomorrow night. part of me says yes the other part says no. guess which part will probably give in haha. i spent my whole summer last year living in a hotel so they kinda turn me away now. but the idea of having a night completely to ourselves is really tempting. of course i'm sure people would want to come over and get trashed or something. its a dangerous idea. very dangerous. if i had it my way everyone would have to be out by midnight. i still don't know though. i'm not very good at saying no to people. and there are people i could imagine showing up who i wouldnt want to be there. like other girls haha. oh well i've got like one day to think about it. and we've only talked about it through text so maybe if we talk it over in person we could figure it out better. yesterday in oral interpretation i had to talk about a significant moment in my life. i chose to talk about last summer and how hard it was on me. it was really difficult, probably the most difficult assignment i've ever done, but i feel a lot better now. i think it actually helped me to be more open with my friends since i opened up to a class full of strangers. 

i still can't believe i met davey havok :D

damn it be windy out

walked to class only to find out it was canceled. ugh! i had to walk through like 50 mph winds. haha. and i think i'm getting sick because i do not feel well at all :/ my throat hurts and my nose is all stuffy. i blame it on a combination of nocturnal, waiting in line at best buy in the cold, and waiting in the cold to meet afi.  oh and c was also sick so that may be the reason. idkkk though. i'm tired. i really dont want to go to class today. but i have to. shit. maybe my shirts will come in the mail before this weekend. i hope. i just better be healthy by saturday or homecoming is going to suck. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!!

i'm pretty sure i can die happy now

i met adam carson, jade puget, hunter burgan and DAVEY HAVOK!!!!!! 

i am so happy right nowwwwwwwwwwww :D

they were all so nice and they signed my cd and then we got smith to sign our cds too

we waited for 2 and a half hours in the cold but omg it was so fucking worth it

eeeeeeeeeeee

except i think i'm getting sick now :/

my throat hurts.

jamies bday tomorrow!

note to self:

stop buying things online

its not good!

your money will be gone before you know it!!

and dont ever spend $100 on a tank top again

even if it has a giraffe on it

dumbass

i officially get to meet AFI tomorrow at 6 pm

the wait was worth it

<333

my new tattoo is amazing to say the least :)

i super super love it

its all red right now though but the swelling should go down tomorrow

not a lot of people like it but fuck them

AFI means more to me than they think its not like i didn't put any thought into this

i've liked them for eight years now i'm pretty sure this tattoo has some meaning behind it

ugh whatever

c's bday was alright

he invited me to haunt with him 

i already planned on going but him asking me personally was a bit nice

tomorrow gotta get up early and go to costa mesa. it will be worth it though i hope

no sleep since 9 yesterday morning

nocturnal was insanely fun

my head hurts though i think its from all that drum and bass haha

got hit on a bajillion times but c came to my rescue and it was so cute :)

"you know when people close their eyes to go to their happy place? well i don't have to because i'm there right now"

mm so this statement probably wasn't entirely about me and it was probably said because of some other factors butttttt i still liked hearing him say it

we finally danced together too

freaking took long enough haha

i need sleep. and a shower. i have like 65,000 peoples' sweat on me

nervous for tonight :/

things got a little better..

i think

appointment on monday for a tattoo :)

what did i do?

why has everything changed?

:/

i got mauled by dick today

that little puppy chewed up my legs and my arms

but i learned a new card game at kha's house and beat everyone the first time i played :)

good day? pretty much 'cept i got a killa headache

afi album on their myspizzace and i'm officially in love with "cold hands"

posting the lyrics soon<3

oh i'm working on my communication but its hard when he aint communicating back muchhhh haha

things to look forward to:

new episode of HOUSE on tonight. finally!

AFI will be playing their entire CD tuesday and wednesday on their myspace page

thursday market

friday- candy making party

saturday- Nocturnal

sunday-sleeping all day :)

monday- c's birthday

tuesday- bussing it to costa mesa to get AFI's new cd and the pass to meet them on

WEDNESDAY!!!!!!! ah my life will be complete if i can meet davey havok

thursday- jamie's birthday

friday- movies and party

saturday- homecoming

sunday- shopping

thats it so far :)

apparently i'm "the bitch who doesnt know how to communicate"

how can i communicate with someone who doesn't know how to open up? i know my communication skills suck but yours aren't that much better. you surely know how to communicate with all the other girls that give you attention though. i guess i'll work on that shit since i'm focused on getting what i want right now. and unfortunately what i want is you. so maybe just maybe expect my communication skills to improve. i would have talked more last night but that hangover was killing me. i have six days to improve everything between us. lets hope it works.

i feel like being a dirty whore

stupid weather.

some crazy mexican guy was screaming things at me while i was crossing the street. it was weird. then some weird guy was walking behind me when i went home and he watched me as i walked into my house. fucking creepers i swear. i need some damn pepper spray or a taser i swear. i'm so tiny so even though i'm tough i dont know how well i would be able to defend myself if i was ever attacked or something. but i worry too much.  

i wish i had more girl friends. i kinda regret that. i'm in such a need for advice from someone but i really have not many people to go to. i wish i could have been better friends with some of the girls i know like izzy or rylee. 

i realized jamie and i have a lot in common. not like i didnt already know that but i realized more things today.  we're both in on and off relationships with our first love.  we both hooked up with a boy who was dating a girl within the group. and now those girls hate us. no it's not the same boy haha. it's just funny how we're pretty much going through the same thing right now.

my tummy hurts. i think its the pasta salad i just ate. 

market with mindy!

that conversation kinda helped...but not really

it just added to the stress i already have like:

math test tomorrow

essay due

presenting my shakespeare

figuring out whats going on with c

sooo as nice as the conversation was, the whole situation just shouldnt have happened. if i knew it was going to bring so much drama i never would have done it in the first place. things happen way too fast. ugh.

class was canceled. i know i posted like 30 minutes ago. whatever. something got out that shouldnt have. dont know what to do.

i guess i shouldnt make a big deal about it though.

two weeks until Crash Love comes out. i love this weather.

two weekends until nocturnal. got my ticket for 58 dollars bitches. i'll sell it to you for $5 though haha.

ugh something needs to make my headache go away.

i have a feeling today wont be a good day

its already starting off pretty bad

the last five guys i have kissed, every time i kissed them for the first time i was drunk or under the influence

i dont know what this says about myself

but i dont think its very good

last weekend you were all flirty and we barely spent any time apart

this weekend you were distant

what changed between then and now?

and how do i fix it?

fainting spells

wow

AFI released a new song called Fainting Spells.

damn.

it starts off all slow and then the chorus is basically screamo, and you arent expecting it at all. ah its amazing. i have it on repeat on itunes right now. this totally postpones me getting in the shower right now. yeahhh this pretty much just sealed the deal on my AFI tattoo at the end of this month haha. i just gotta figure out what i want to get done. the bunny is too overrated. maybe something off sing the sorrow. or the art of drowning. whatever i got time to think about it.

might get my nocturnal ticket today. might get it saturday. kinda nervous. never been to a rave before. but this one has carnival rides haha. 

victorias having a thing in her backyard tonight. i hope its fun. idkkk though. maybe i'll just go hang out with cj and jamie and all of them. 

i had the worst dream this morning. i was at golden hill and i left to pee and then i walked up and c was kissing paris and jamie came over to comfort me then c came over and i was screaming at him and told him to fuck off and he just kept trying to explain that it was okay and at one point he even said "i'm going over to paris' for a while and we're going to hook up and that's going to be okay with you" and i was like oh hell no and i just kept screaming at him and he didnt see what was wrong and for some reason thomas was on his side so i kept looking for thomas to punch and then we somehow were by paris' house and her dad drove up and i told him his daughter is a slut and he said "yeah thats why we have the fbi looking for her" (which doesnt make sense but this is a dream haha) and i kept looking for thomas because i wanted to beat the shit out of him but before he came out of the garage i woke up.

i think i watch too much tool academy or something.

it felt so real though, i woke up freaking pissed. haha.

stop. go. stop and go.

i'm kinda addicted to shwayze's song "get u home" its dirty but i like it :)

spent the night at c's last night. i didnt plan on it but when we were at kha's he asked if i wanted to stay the night at his house. and i cant say no to that. plus victoria didnt feel like driving me all the way home too haha. i'm glad his mom is chill with me staying over. i like being on the parents good side haha. c stayed up with me to watch the mighty boosh at 1 even though i dont think he likes the show that much but i love it. it was a pretty good night. we slept in until one but i'm still tired. i dont think i overslept though. thennn when he got in the shower i turned on ten things i hate about you. i love that movie so much :) "FIGHT!" "ooh! fight!" hahaha. no one will understand that but jamie. and then when that movie was over bubble boy came on.  i was pretty happy. the rest of the day was alright. i gotta shower and do some homework. and eat. because i'm starving.

not sure my plans for today. a lot of people stayed out super late last night so everyone might be too tired to do anything. two nights ago c came over at 2 in the morning because he had nowhere to stay. surprisingly my dad was really okay with that, he even made him a comfy ass bed on the couch haha. woke up early, couldnt sleep but i think it had to do with the fact that there was someone sleeping downstairs. at around 11 i had to send him upstairs to sleep in my bed because jamie had to watch her shows haha. the fatty finally wakes up at one and we watch when a stranger calls. we went over to his aunts house at 5 to swim and eat and finally left there at ten. his aunt is so nice and she did my toes all cute. i've never had a pedicure before so it was pretty exciting :) c's little cousins are so in love with him and it was so cute to see him playing with them. i've never seen him like that before haha. then victoria and aaron came and picked us up and we chilled at the church parking lot for a bit until my mom freaked out that i didnt have a ride home so my dad came and got me at midnightish. its okay because i was tired anyways. havent heard from anyone yet but i'm sure they stayed out all night so i probably wont get hit up until like 9 or ten tonight haha. oh well. jamie and i might go see a movie today. i dont really care what we do i just want some time with her because we haven't gotten any sister time in a while. its mostly my fault though. 

if you dont want me to fall in love with you again, you're doing it wrong

but the past 24 hours with you have made me very happy

sometimes i wish my life were just a little bit busier.

at least it would keep my mind off things.

listen to your heart, before its too late. its crying out to love but is the risk too great?

summer has ended. most of my friends start school tomorrow. my third week is already almost over haha. i should be writing an essay right now. soooo he called me sweetie yesterday. he hasn't called me sweetie since we went out. but i could be really over analyzing this scenario right now. most likely because thats what i always do. i was a little distant today.. my psychology teacher said distance leads to cheating. it seems like we talk about cheating every day in that class and it really gets to me. thats the one thing i probably will never get over and it kinda upset me when my teacher said that a lot of the times the girl is to blame for the guy cheating. i dont wanna blame myself for that. ughhhh i hate that i cant get over that :/ it happened like a year ago i should just forget about it. its hard though. wedding tomorrow, after all my classes. i'm excited to see jolie finally. she's going to look so beautiful. its weird to think six years ago we were freshmen hanging out in theater with cagley and now she's about to walk down the aisle. time flies by so fast dude. i hope something good happens soon. 

"i cant believe you made me call connor christmas"

siiiiick ass show last night. emmure was amazing. they played my three favorite songs, including Rusted Over Wet Dreams. suicide silence was epic. mitch gets down haha. andrew from scary farm showed up. and then things went downhill from there. apparently this whole time we've been talking he mistook my friendliness as flirting. he wouldnt stop telling me how gorgeous i looked and i just brushed it off and said thank you. then he put his hand on my back and it kept getting lower so i would elbow him to make him stop but then he texted me saying "make a move cutie" and i replied with "i have a guy in fullerton" so he flipped out and shit hit the fan pretty much. he basically said "have fun with no job stringing people along in life, have fun with your broke friends in fullerton and the douchebag guy, im gonna go crash my ferrari blah blah blah" i was so shocked. i told him i only wanted a friendship out of this and he told me he never wants to talk to me again. i'm really shocked at this. the whole time i was just being friendly. i never told him i wanted to fuck him or anything so i dont understand where he got these crazy ideas. all we ever talked about was the things he was buying with his money and if he thought he could have me just because he's rich he's wrong. dumb cocky piece of shit. i dont need people in my life that insult me or my friends. so my night was fun except for that whole incident and the fact that while we were waiting to be picked up he kept walking by us which freaked jamie and me out, she thought he was going to kill me haha. 

class was fun today. i talked to joseph :)

the money i was supposed to get wont come until the end of september now so that fucks up all of my plans. i dont know where i'll get the money to get my nocturnal ticket or birthday presents for c or the money i need for my math book. ughhhhhh. stupid shits.

no pity for a coward

soooo excited for tonight. you have no idea. i've been wanting to see emmure ever since i heard them last year. and mitch from suicide silence will be a nice sight too haha. spent three days straight with c victoria and aaron. thursday we watched last house on the left at my house then went to tylers for a bit. stayed the night at aarons. friday was pretty laid back. slept at victorias. her house is way too hot though. even the shower i tried to take was hot. there might have been another factor to that though haha. went swimming at aarons yesterday. the pool felt so damn good. i stayed in the longest. everyone else was too pussy to stay in. overall it was very very fun. then last night jamie and i hung out with everyone at golden hill. i babysat cj while he got drunk for the second time ever. that was pretty funny. im surprised the cops never showed up. i wont see c for two days because todays the show and tomorrow is girly day with jamie and victoria and victorias mom. this summer has been really good. im just scared when school starts for them that it will be exactly like last year and i'll lose him again. i guess if it happens again i'll be more prepared this time. i just dont want to make a fool out of myself.

on a lighter note, jamie and brian were way cute last night. if only that boy would man up and make moves like that when he's sober. hes always been shy though i guess. but he cant use alcohol as a crutch forever. if i was a guy i wouldnt have to get drunk just to make moves on her haha. found out someone else might like jamie too... i dont know how shes going to handle it the next time he comes around. but this was news to both of us because he never showed any signs of liking her. people need to be more open with their feelings dammit.

medicate

beach was amazing today. the waves were strong though. but the bonfire was funnnn :)

taking woodstock tomorrow at midnight<3

got my tickets for the show on sunday.

i got to see bre today finally. it was fun the little bit of time i got to spend with her. hopefully i can hang out with her again soon. i finally bought cj that arizona i owe him. now he owes me a vitamin water and some hot cheetos. gotta get up at 7 so i should get off now. but im texting c and i dont wanna stop hahaha. the next month is going to be super exciting. 

OMGGG AFI released their new single "medicate" today! im in love. its different. but good different. 

:D

chosen one

the mighty boosh is the funniest show ever. especially "journey to the center of punk" ah i laughed sooo much. school tomorrow. then i might hang out with bre. but i gotta get those tickets tomorrow so idk if i'll have time to :/ had an unexpected guest over today. i didnt mind though. i just didnt think he would actually show up when i invited him over to eat the bomb 7 layer dip i made. but he did :)  things have been a lot easier with me and him. i've decided to be more accepting and i've surprisingly become less attached. okay so actually i dont think thats worked but its what im trying to believe haha. jamie and k are done. forever. according to him at least. im not getting my hopes up that he'll be out of her life for good but the way things are looking make me pretty happy. its not him that i hate its just how he hurts her so much. and honestly i think a break from him like this is exactly what she needs. i just want her to be happy and she needs someone that will make her happy 99 percent of the time not just 50 percent of it. that girl deserves the best because she is the best and any guy that treats her like she isnt the best obviously doesnt fucking deserve her. so i've made my point. i think. i love this girl more than life itself and for once i think she will actually be truly happy. which makes me happy.

i think im going to inject jamie with alcohol every day so she can be as outgoing as she is right now haha.

more on this later.

surprisingly im more sober than most people here.

i gave up fighting, i've come to see these halos. am i now worse off for this one night?

my braces are off!!! i'm so happy. i get my retainer on friday though :/ i look slightly older than sixteen now haha. college is going alright so far. its only day three though haha. they sold out of my math book until next week though so i dont what imma do about that. gotta do my english homework tonight. theres this rave coming up called nocturnal, its c's birthday rave, and everyone wants me to go. but raves arent my thing ya know? but maybe i'll go. and maybe i'll buy c his ticket since it will be his birthday unless his mommy buys it for him. and if that happens then i've got three other ideas on what to get him haha.

goodbyeee

no more train tracks haha. as of 3 pm tomorrow i will be metal free. i hope it doesnt hurt. so i've been getting headaches like every day for the past week straight. does that mean i have a brain tumor?? :/ i hope not. i took a tylenol tonight so hopefully that helps the pain go away. first day of fall semester was super awesome. sexy joseph is in my psych class and hopefully he doesnt drop so i have a reason to go to psych every day. i saw huntie and joe and salt and blake and shana today. woo! blake wants to get starbucks with me soon. yay! two of my classes tomorrow are ten minutes apart from each other so hopefully that gives me enough time to grab a good seat even though all the classes are overcrowded this year due to budget cuts. ugh. i have to get up at seven tomorrow. shitballs.

whale wars

animal planet always makes me cry :(

got school shit for tomorrow. only one class on mondays and wednesdays though so i'm not too nervous. psychology should be an interesting class too.

the pride festival in irvine was so much fun. i met lady vajayjay who is this amazing drag queen.

hopefully there are more events like that soon. ah gay people make me so happy :)

texted c today for the first time in a while. talked to bre too. get to see her on wednesday hopefully. 

im not going to be able to fall asleep until like two.

mighty boosh is on tonight. im a little obsessed with that show. my mom wont let me stay up until one to watch it so i'll just have to watch tonights episode online haha. noel fielding is such a cutie i wish i was british<3

oh dear and speaking of british people, i hung out with luc two days ago after not seeing him for like ten months but i hope he doesnt get the wrong idea. boys are dumb though.

jack and i are not friends

last night was his last shot at winning my friendship back and he FAILED

hahahahahaha

school shopping today because i start tomorrow :/

eek.

nervous.

excited.

nervcited??

get my braces off in two dayss mofugga

and that silly boy thinks he'll actually be getting some when they come off

bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

"careful when you date passionate people, because passion swings both ways. sometimes they'll love you, but other times they'll hate you. and when they hate you... boy do they hate you."

i think its safe to say i am a very passionate person

orange county is having its first ever pride festival this weekend in irvine

super excited

most likely be working the morning shift there on saturday

<333

i am such a nerd

currently reading three books. or at least trying to. i bought russell brand's autobiography a while ago and then i went to the library and checked out Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk (this is the most disgusting, amazing book and i cant put it down)  and then yesterday the book i had on reserve finally came so i went and picked up Fear and Loathing. i think i'm just going to wait until i'm done with haunted before i start reading F&L so i can fully enjoy the book. but i read the first chapter already and its going to be one interesting book. finished up all my college stuff yesterday. i should be getting almost three grand in about a month to help with college and other things. i've already decided to get another tattoo with some of the money. i wont tell you what i plan on getting yet because i'm sure i'll get made fun of haha. sooooo i found out that my ex cheated on me with three girls. i knew of two of them but then friday night i found out about the third. j, k, and l. their names are right next to each other in the alphabet how weird. and the funny thing about all this is i still hooked up with him the night i found that out. he asked me "i've been an ass to you so many times why do you still like me?"  i didnt have an answer for him then and i dont have an answer for him now. but heres a question: after hurting me so many times why do you still come back to me?  when you have an answer for that i'll have the answer for you. 

i just wish i could be enough. i dont understand why you need all the extra girl attention.

i cannot leave here i cannot stay

ugh cramps like a mofugga :/

went to the beach today. got some sun. hung out with andrew from scary farm for a bit too. i haven't seen him in nine months. it was almost hard to recognize him since he lost twenty pounds in rehab. but i'm proud he's doing well now. it was the first time he's seen me when he was sober haha.

c went to huntington today to hang with brittany. ehh. kinda not digging that. he hung out with her earlier this week too. ajfksjkljajsajk worry worry worry. 

corona tomorrow i think. visiting family friends and swimming. 

hope victoria doesnt get poked by the aids parade while she's at hard tonight.

summer shudder

last night was interesting. stayed over at victorias and got no sleep. had a good talk with c and we finally talked about where our relationship is going. august 30 is going to be so much fun i just hope we get tickets soon. i've been wanting to see emmure in concert for ever. and then bmth is playing in september. and after that afi should be going on tour soon since their new cd comes out september 29. am i excited? hell yes. got some quality alone time with victoria yesterday too. got a cute dress from savers that was originally a forever 21 dress. its a strapless aqua dress which will probably be what i'll wear to jolies wedding. i get my braces off in ten days i am super super excited but really nervous too. i'm scared i'll look weird. its not even nine and i might just pass out right now. i seriously feel like i only got 20 minutes of sleep. some pictures from last night with me c and lexi. we spent like an hour taking pictures and videos in victorias bathtub haha. our "cameraman" didnt do a good job of taking the pictures though since he ended up in almost half of them. silly goose.

current frustrations

jamie gets home from yearbook camp and i barely see her for five minutes then she's off with kurt

i never get any alone time with victoria anymore because she has only one priority and its not me

i haven't talked to c or anyone else in almost a week

every time i try to have fun something always goes wrong

people need to keep their mouths shut about things instead of exaggerating them

i'm sick of staying home but theres no one i want to hang out with and every time i try and hang out with someone plans get canceled

drama drama drama

first off: i did not hook up with brian tonight. did i walk him home? yes. did i hang out with him and drink with him justin and paul? yes. buttttt did i hook up with him? no. i wouldnt jeopardize anything i have going with me and c just to hook up with brian. been there done that already haha. so when you hear a rumor about tonight just remember its just a rumor. last night with steph and the audacity boys and everyone else was super super fun. i really want to hang out with them again soon. i was with people my age and i actually was talking to people i didnt know. i'm surprised i wasnt being super shy brandi. i hope i can hang out with them very soon. gin and tonic tastes so gross. vodka and raspberry tea isnt that great either. i think i'll stick with bacardi razz and sprite from now on. tastes just like a shirley temple. oh and my "best friend" has a really controlling boyfriend right now and its pissing me the fuck off. almost to the point where i dont want to hang out with her anymore because he's always around. he made her sneak out of yearbook camp just to see him, if she gets caught she gets kicked out of yearbook and thats like her favorite thing right now. he flipped out on her three nights ago just for taking me home. i honestly cant stand it. he never used to be like this. why has his anger gotten so bad?? i used to be good friends with him now i'm scared to talk to him because i'm afraid i'll piss him off. he wasnt this controlling with izzy or bre. so what makes victoria any different? can someone please give me an explanation?

ugh i'm so done with everyone. last night was bullshit.

how did we manage to piss off each others parents within 24 hours of each other? its okay now though my mommy and daddy aren't mad anymore. but shit last night was intense. i did a lot of punching yesterday. my fist is killing me. i hit people i never want to hit again and i said a lot of things i never wanna say again. oh well c helped me forget about it all last night. i just hope his mommy doesnt hate me since i slept over there last night. gahh. bre and i were supposed to hang out today. that didnt happen. movies tomorrow maybe. after the doctors. eee i've never had a physical before i'm kinda nervous. i'll just bust a teeth and bite the doctors fingers off hahahahaha

i think

its happening again... :/

i thought the second time would be easier

i'm so over it. behind closed doors you're so cute with me but anywhere in public and its like i'm not even there. i can't take it. i tried my best not to get attached but the last night we spent at victorias changed it all. i dont know what to do. maybe i should just give up. i want us to have something but it doesnt seem like that will happen any time soon. gah.

you worry about not getting enough alone time with him but did you ever think about alone time with me? its so frustrating being around you two because all you do is focus your attention on him. hello there are other people around. and keep the pda to a minimum please i really dont need to hear you guys kissing every five minutes. i miss hanging out with you but even when we get our few minutes alone all you do is talk about him. 

everyone i made plans with today flaked. people who said they would hit me up later didn't and others just stayed home to rest from the weekend. so tomorrow i'm spending time with jamie and only her and we're going to get alone time together because its much needed. and then dinner with the family at rainforest cafe or cheesecake factory or hopefully olive garden. 

i register for classes tomorrow but i still haven't decided on what to take. shit.

you're doing this to yourself. i never left you. i've always been there for you. i don't even know if you'll read this since you stopped following me on here. but i just want you to know that "even if you can't hear my voice, i'll be right beside you dear."

i hate myself for being too nice. it always gets me fucked over. i wish i could be mean to people because maybe then i wouldnt get walked all over and maybe i would have actually yelled at the guy that grabbed my ass tonight instead of just brushing it off. i wish i could be stronger. but i always put people first and worry about their feelings instead. i have such a big fear that my niceness is seriously going to get me hurt someday...

snuff

friday/saturday were intense. no need to get into details. i'm in the family now :) well almost, i still have to do the icyhot initiation. summer is going pretty well so far. kinda at least. there are things that could be better but i'm not too worried about it. theres one thing i'm still completely unsure about. i wish things were more clearer. it gets so hot in victorias room its so hard to sleep. of course sharing that tiny bed doesnt help much either. i didnt mind who i was sharing it with though hahaha. and the shower after we woke up made it better too. i dont know what i'm doing today. its almost three and i'm still trying to make plans ha.

i might like you better baby

victorias back! :) last night/yesterday was so much fun. everyone came over to celebrate aaron's birthday. even jamie. i love the presents she got me. especially my owl ring its adorable. the next few weeks are going to be insane, if her and aaron can remain good that long. i think its the substances that come between them sometimes, they make people so emotional. so hopefully we can have some sleepovers soon with you know who. haha. dude that dumb cunt shandi is always walking by my house i fucking hate having to see her every fucking day. bre and i aren't talking anymore. i guess i choose drugs victoria and cody over her. it kinda felt like she was almost blaming me for the whole friendship falling apart when i felt like i made the most effort. i would constantly text her wanting to hang out and i wouldnt get a reply so i dont see how this is my fault. whatever. maybe she'll talk to me soon and we can sort it all out. mmkay breakfast time.

victoria needs to get on skype so i can video chat with her! but i'm sitting at frucci talking to brent so its all good :) its just me and him because its closed everywhere else for the fourth but phil is crazy and keeps frucci open but its all good because i get to talk to brent some more hahahahaha. bre and i aren't friends?? well idk. its hard to explain but apparently things have changed between us and its hard for me to accept but if its what she wants then i cant stop her. almost two years thrown away. but if she's happy without me in her life then i can only be happy that she's happy. of all the people i know she needs to be happy, she puts so much out there only to get shut down all the time. i just wish she would find someone to make her happy. well happy fourth of july everyone. who knows how tonight is going to turn out. hopefully well. my boy situation? ha. as complicated as it comes. if my phone let me receive every text people send me maybe it would be different. but i cant put all the blame on my phone. its hot. fjalkjslajal

love games???

i honestly dont know. the most confusing person in my life i swear. like where do we stand? do i even have the nerve to ask? i can't get you off my mind. for the past year and a half that i've known you i haven't gone one day without thinking about you. too forward? im sorry im just letting my emotions get the best of me. i dont see where this is going but i dont plan on ending it anytime soon. maybe its just the familiarity idkkk. 

i miss bre. we never talk anymore. 

i cant wait for victoria to come back. maybe things will finally go back to normal.

who knows?

oh my texting is fucked up so hopefully i get a new phone soon.

i'm video chatting with victoriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :)

but assface wont text me back :/

i went to urgent care last night. i have pneumonia :/ the medicine they gave me made me throw up so i have to go back to urgent care today to get new meds hopefully these stay in my stomach. jfajksajaskjask i need to stop worryinggggg. but thats insanely impossible. my body feels like someone used me as a giant punching bag and it hurts to even cough because my stomach muscles are on fire from coughing all last night. completely off topic but the fire alarm in our room would randomly go off last night. i think our new place is haunted.

i feel like i'm dying. ive been laying in bed all day with a cough that feels like my lungs are trying to jump out of my throat. i'm so sick. i hate it. hopefully i'm better by tomorrow or friday at the latest. the only good thing about this is i dont have to help move i just get to lay here while everyone else works haha. 

Craig Mabbitt

was at the word alive show. thats him in the green plaid. he came out on stage and sang with them for Are You On Drugs. he's such a good singer :) not to mention he's fuckin hotttttt. jamie and i rushed that stage when he came on. shoving bitches left and right hahahaha she even punched some fat guy. my hearing still hasn't fully come back from the show and it's already been two days! i hope its back tomorrow since its gonna be my mofuggin birthday. imma be ninefuckingteen holy shit i don't feel 19 at all. thats so old. i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow. i thinkkkkk i'm going over to cody's but he's sick so hopefully he's better tomorrow. imma make him sweat that fever out dammit! that boyyyy idkkkkk. things change so much after only a year but some things remain the same. i wish i could go into detail but i don't know how to clarify it without writing about my personal life and i've been in that mood to not spill so much anymore about what goes on. i'll leave it to your imagination. the mighty boosh is on tonight at 1 i'm excited to watch it. hopefully i can stay up that late. it really doesn't feel like my birthdays tomorrow. i wonder who will be the first person to wish me happy birthday. 

three days

until my birfday :D mindy canceled the party though :/ so i have no birthday plans. someone make some for me?? i get into disneyland for freeeee that day but i don't have anyone to go with unless someone wants to buy themselves a ticket. yesterday i was supposed to hang out with bre but things fell through so i went over to cody's instead. tonight is the word alive show and i'm so fucking excited you don't even know. they're my favorite band and this will be my fourth time seeing them. and then they're coming to whittier on july 4th and hopefully i'll be at that show too. soooo we got the house on wilshire but my aunt is being a bitchhhhh and not wanting to help pay for it but she wanted to pay more for an apartment we didn't get approved for. so confusing. i really hope she changes her mind though because the apartment is so cute and its like four doors down from kerensa. it would be so convenient, jamie and i could walk to school and we would be in downtown and everything would be soooooo much better. the lady even said we could move in today. i dont understand why my aunt is being all megabitch now when she's the one who's the most depressed about us not being in a house and shitttt. i'm so frustrated now. and for a second there i thought things were getting better.

ichat

sooooo much fun! i'm so happy i can talk to victoria on it. it sucks we cant video chat though. maybe we can when she gets to florida. i wanna video chat with someone!!! today was super fun. i got to see lethal weapon for the first time and some of lethal weapon 2 but i wasn't really watching it. i still am really uncertain about whats going to happen though. but i don't care that much because i'm happy with how its going. never thought this would happen again. actually i kinda did :) and for those of you who don't approve, suck it. i dont approve of the guy you date but that doesn't stop you from going back to him every time he fucks you over. i've been thinking it was wednesday this whole day, but its only tuesday ha. wow i'm so lame. maybe i can hang out with bre soon if she lets me. i wanna see kerensa tomorrow! so much to tell her haha. well goodnight!

"prepare to bring an extra pair of panties bcuz i just found out the hottest of the hottest guys r going to be at our party :D" 

well that text from mindy sure made me happy haha. eeee i can't wait. saturday seems so far away. ugh. i hope everyone i invited goes. i'm really excited for friday too. i get to see my favorite band play :D i'm really trying to persuade my parents into getting the apt on wilshire, it would make everything so convenient. but my dad keeps looking at places in placentia and anaheim and those are nowhere near my school or jamies school only haylees school. victorias gone. i hope her flight landed safely, well actually she's still on the plane. i won't find out for two weeks how her trip is going because she can't get texts while in peru. hopefully i can hang out with bre soon but she's being really distant. i just wanna see her again :/ i miss lexi too. i got to see her for like three seconds last night then we had to leave. i hope she gets a day off soon. and hopefully she'll be at my bday party. i hope it warms up soon this weather is depressing.

LA Pride Parade

thats where imma be today :) i'm so excited. its going to be ten times bigger than the Long Beach one. it would be weird today if i didn't talk to him since we've talked for like eight days straight. ehh here comes the worrying. so i realized that i analyze everything way too much. i overthink things and try to find hidden meanings. i just need to accept things the way they are and not look for underlying things that might not even be there. we found a place a block away from kerensa, i hope we get it. today is victoria's last day, jamie and i have dinner with her at four thirty. i'm going to miss her. she better bring me back something cute from peru though. ahhh i gotta get ready.