i detest your wretchedness

i've really limited my hangout time with "the group" i feel bad because there are some people who i miss seeing every day but i have good reasons to not hang out with them so much. i guess its sort of a healing thing idk or like i need to get away to mature and grow up. its really hard. i love those kids. but they're killing me. i don't even feel like i fit in with them. ah its hard. i hate how things change. but you need change to better yourself i guess. i need to find people who can better me as a person not people who will bring me down. its so complicated. theres also another reason that i won't mention but it hurts a little. shopping today. i'm excited. i have to get in a better mood though otherwise i won't be able to shop well. gotta pee. gotta study for vocab gotta finish my makeup and put on shoes. 

someone pleaseeee save me

i'm going to kill my 13 year old sister she's being such a fucking bitch right now. she treats my parents like shit. she is exactly like those fucking girls on the maury show who disrespect their parents and have those "im the shit" attitudes. i don't have that short of a fuse but she pissed me off so much i hit her. thats not the haylee i knew. ever since we moved she's changed and its for the worse. she's hanging out with such a bad crowd. i don't mean to be racist but all she does is hang out with gang banging mexicans and its really changed her attitude toward my parents and i absolutely hate it. she acts like she's the shit and she's just some fucking white 13 year girl who doesn't know what the real world is like. one fuck up and haylee will be on her way to orangewood but haylee obviously doesn't care if she gets taken away. my mom is trying so hard to save her and it kills me to watch her try so hard when this demon apparently doesn't care. i don't know who to talk to about this so i felt that a blog would help me express myself. but i still need someone to talk to about this because this hasn't helped much.

wooo oscars!

sean penn won for best actor! i'm so happy. and milk won for best screenplay. honestly people you really need to go see that movie if you haven't. its the best fucking movie ever. the word alive was amazing as usual. too bad the mic kept going out and the stage almost caught on fire haha but the show was fucking amazing. i was so happy. i love the adrenaline rush i get at shows. i wish i could go to one every day. but theres a lot coming up so yay. underneath the gun at chain, we came as romans at chain, 3oh3 at glasshouse, the devil wears prada at glasshouse andddd bamboozle left with a lot of fucking awesome bands. i just gotta save up because those shows add up. better start working the corner.

i need happy pills

and no i dont mean ecstasy.  my life could be really good right now but theres that thing in the back of my head that isn't letting me live life to the fullest. its that stupid negative thought that i really need to handle. i'm just scared. i hate confrontation. its something i don't know how to bring up..."umm so i know you've been pretending you don't...when i know you do and everyone tells me you do so tell me before things get any worse and it ends up hurting me a lot more than it does right now" thats basically what i need to say. but i NEVER confront people. i absolutely hate it. so what do i do? i live life and let that thing eat away at me until i'm just a hollow shell of who i really am. nah. if things dont improve i'll think about doing something. but why ruin someones happiness just to make myself happy? the "k" on my keyboard is barely working. i hate that. my itunes is playing all the songs i don't want to hear. i need to get ready for a party tonight but i have no idea what to wear. and the people who i hang out with are really starting to bore me. i feel terrible but its true. 

modern swinger

today was gooooooood. class was cancelled so i got to sleep in :) i did fine on my CPR practice test in first aid. anddddd English was fun because we got different groups and i got to talk to the cute boy in my classsssss :) then lunch with jamie at wahoos and afterwards i went to lollicup with maegen and got lollicup for the first time ever. woohoo! eventful. then my mom called and told me she had a seizure :/ but it was just a mild one. and i've got a lot of plans for the weekend too so i'm pretty excited. anddddd jamie cut my hair which makes me happy. mm good wednesday. tomorrow...? who knows! 

its hailing

the rain's keeping me inside. weekend was alright. valentines day was lame.. spent 20 dollars on aaron and cody and they ditched me for a party haha. its all good though. went to the bpm with bre last night. that was fun. i wanna go back next weekend haha. there was one boy there in particular who i thought was extra cute :) only one class tomorrow. yay! then ortho appointment afterwards. and wednesday maegen and i are hanging out :) i'm so excited. mt baldy trip next weekend possibly... we'll see how things go. i gotta get my tickets for the chain show march 14 i believe. the one with we came as romans. i heard they're good live. oh i hope my ortho says good things tomorrow. a lot of good movies are coming out. so many good things to look forward to..

i cant fix you if you don't want me

i hate how i get attached really easily. i know i shouldn't. i know i can't develop strong feelings for you. shitttt. its taking me forever to finish typing this. theres just so much going on in my head. i love giving advice. it makes me happy helping other people. i just wish i could listen to my own advice. but at this point i don't know what my heart wants. well, it wants what it can't have. which sucks. stupid boys. and it sucks valentine's day is coming up. poop. today actually went better than i thought it would, i didn't think about a certain thing i was worried about being upset over. relationships fuck up everything.

looks do kill

found that out today. well they kill my phone at least. so i was at the block in the vans store and theres this really hot guy that works there but he wasn't in there and i kept looking for him WELLL he walked in the front door with his lunch and i dropped my phone and it broke in two :( the screen is completely black and i can't fix it and it makes me so sad because i had a lot of things saved in there like cute texts and pictures and stuff and i'll never get it back. i'm so sad. i had a lotttttt of numbers and i probably won't be able to get half them back because i had to be a sneaky snake to get them in my phone. so if you text me and i say who's this its because i have a new phone and don't have your number. but i don't know when i'll be getting a new phone and i'm going to need one for tomorrow because i'm going to be out late and i'm sure people are going to want to get a hold of me. so shit. i'm so sad. and i was so happy yesterday. how weird. like the best thing happened yesterday and today the worst thing happened. what the fuck is tomorrow going to be like?

Fuck You Grand Theft Auto

I should have known when you said lets go get coffee that you wanted more than just coffee. hahahahahahaha. my mouth is sore because i was smiling so much. so basically my day became amazing when i stumbled upon my personal sunshine who i haven't seen in forever! i miss that kid. we spent the whole hour before i had to go to english and he had to go to work talking and catching up and he made me a latte haha. mmmm :D i just feel guilty :/ shitshitshit. i really thought i wasn't like that anymore but how can i resist when i've wanted that boy for ages. idk if that was a one time thing or if its going to happen again and if it does will he expect more? poop. oh well it made my week 928947382743892374834757575656 times better. and this weekend is going to be fun because its a four day weekend! i have a test in reading tomorrow i need to study for but how can i study after what happened today. my tummys all a fluttery. lexi won't be here this weekend so imma have to be on my toes watching over the boys. gotta keep them bitches in check and such. just as long as those sluts from yesterday don't come around again i should be fine.

queef cookie

last night was fun for the most part. man them girlies is crazy! i really hope i didn't make a fool out of myself. crashed at thomas' with lexi and tom. made bomb snickerdoodles from scratch. i love mindy :) she knows how to make me feel better. even though i'm sad for the most retarded reason. i really need to stop worrying about people. its their decisions and i can't do anything about it. i just really care about them :/ dumb boys. a boy who i've had a crush on for like 4 years randomly messaged me so that made me happy. the rains almost over :/ school tomorrow at 7:30. awesome. this weekend should be fun. i say that about every weekend though. i'm really not in the mood to do homework. i think i'll take a nap instead. or download songs off limewire. 

i'm lying to myself

just to make myself happy. but i know my biggest fears are going to come true soon. i can tell. i just know it. i have some major trust issues, i trust way too easily. i don't know why i'm so nice to people because i always get fucked over for trusting them too fast. its almost like a slap in the face to me, people think i'm actually that dumb but the truth is i can read you like a book. jamies ex started talking to me again and trying to be friends again and of course i was like "sure we can be friends again but you hurt us so badly its going to take time to get back to the friendship we had" WELLLL he's like trying to rush this friendship and act like i'm his bestfriend and sometimes it even seems like he wants more (oh dear god) and i found out he's had a gf since like august but he hasn't said one word about her to me.  i FUCKING hate when guys have girlfriends and think i'll get with them. it pisses me off. do i just scream homewrecker or something?? i'm not like that anymore, that was three years ago when i was immature and naive. so theres one stress in my life. then my sister has some drama going on in her life but when does she not have drama. i wish i felt like something good was going to happen soon but it feels like everything i don't want to happen will end up happening. i hate that feeling. oh wellll. my english class has a blogspot. weird. irhktiwybichy. 

immabigprocrastinator

i should be typing my essay. i shouldn't be typing on this. i shouldn't be planning on visiting the fredflare website after this. i really should be doing my fucking homework. but of course i got distracted. and of course i'm in a bad mood now. and of course its all my fault because i just go looking for reasons. blah. that doesn't make sense. boys are lame. big time. i broke my toe today. it got smashed in a car door. it hurts like dicks. i don't know if i can go to school tomorrow because i can't walk for sheeiitttt :/ someone get me a wheelchair! 

shopping online

is so much more addicting than i thought it would be.  i've bookmarked about a million websites so far. and that was only for jewelry. wait till i get on the shoes :/ hahahahaha shit i'm so bad with shoes. i have about 40 pairs so far. why can't i stop buying them?? i hope its not too hot today. its probably going to be really cold at night. my parents are paying me not to be home on saturday for my little sister's birthday party. which means i have to find somewhere to stay that night. shit. i probably should be getting ready for school. yeah.. oh dear i have to write an essay tonight. oh well it should be easy its just about my friends. i'm really nervous for my english class and it's not because its hard its because i feel like my teacher feels like i'm one of the smarter kids in class. i already have that responsibility in my reading class i don't need it in my english class too. pressure pressure pressure.

a lotta anger

is built up inside me. i know thats not good. i hate how some people think they're better than others. no one's perfect. so you don't have the right to judge people just because you think you're better because you don't do drugs or drink or whatever. so many things are frustrating me. i try to get advice but no one helps. i don't even know what kind of advice i'm looking for. bre makes me worry about her :/ im too tired to write anything more.