woohoo house is on :)
its cold in here though.
i gotta register for classes tomorrow
i have a paper due tomorrow i should be writing.
blah.

i thought blood was thicker than water

blah i hate boring sundays. jamie left me for kurt. i've been trying to hang out with her all weekend but the second kurt wants to hang out with her she leaves me for him. she's not even supposed to be hanging out with him. and he's with summer every day he's not with jamie. i don't know how she can be okay with that. i wish a restraining order would help. i wish she wouldn't believe every word that came out of his mouth. she needs to know she can trust me. not him. ughhhh

tonight probably wont be a good night. chase got arrested last night. i don't know the exact details but it's probably not going to turn out good. it really really really sucks though. ah. last night wasn't that bad. a good friend of mine confessed his love for me though. we were talking and i turn around and guess who's walking up? yeah c wasn't too happy about it. it was a little bit awkward but hopefully it doesn't ruin my friendship or anything.

i watched pan's labyrinth for the first time last night. c fell asleep so i had to watch it alone. scurry shit man. especially the eyeball zombie thing. no wonder i couldn't sleep at all last night. c got to sleep for thirteen hours though. lazy ass haha. and then i got to shower in his shower. so now my hair smells like bed head shampoo and conditioner :) gonna go out tonight and do who knows what. hopefully it's fun though.

happy thanksgiving

i am so stuffed right now. i can barely walk haha. last night was fun. i got a little too drunk but whatevs. going over to c's tonight that should be fun. if only my headache would go away.

five day weekend?

i guess so since psych was canceled today. i really hope something fun happens tonight. i didn't shower and get all pretty for nothing haha. c beat call of booty already. i was hoping i could go over to his house and watch him play but i guess that won't happen now. maybe i can still go over though. thanksgiving is tomorrow though so idk. i can't wait. i'm so anxious for thanksgiving food! i think im gonna finish the chips and dip before haylee gets to it. i've been having some really weird dreams lately. idk why though

today went by pretty fast. it wasn't that boring. jamie learned how to play posoy or however its spelled. finally haha. del taco for dinner. yummy. its supposed to be warm today. i want the cold weather back. tomorrow is going to feel like a friday. lets get some 4locos! hahaha.

Bent

was such a super amazing play. i saw one of my classmates completely naked though haha. oh well it wasn't a bad view. the play was really hard to watch at some points but it was even harder to watch knowing shit like that actually happened during the holocaust. i almost cried at the end but i held it in because i didnt see anyone else crying. there were a few really intimate moments with the two characters and the audience kinda laughed when they shouldn't because they were put into an awkward situation with two men talking about having sex with each other. that really pissed me off. it was a serious moment and people laughed about it. whatever. house is on tonight. and bre is coming down. i didn't see or talk to c at all yesterday :/ i hope i don't have to see that dumb dani cunt after school today. the weather better not be fucked up as usual.

stop that ho before i sock that ho

some BITCH named Dani pissed me off last night. she was trying to be all over c last night and her half naked cellulite ass followed him around like a lost puppy. bitch better not be around at the next party i go to or i'll knock her ass out. its bad enough i have to see her every day after school hanging out with my group. she looks like a fat version of miley cyrus. it's not like i'm worried she actually has a chance it's just that the bitch needs to back the fuck off. morp sucked ass. last night was pretty lame. tonight i get to see "Bent" and i'm super excited yet super worried i'm going to cry. i'll have huntie's shoulder to cry on at least haha

it was this sexy fuckers birthday yesterday and i completely forgot :/ last night was cold and lame until c and i went to his house at 11. of course retard left the window open so when we got there his room was freezing haha. oh well it warmed up eventually haha. and then shithead spent all day today playing call of booty until i went home to shower and get ready for tonight. morp tonight with jamie and c. i hope its fun. its going to be cold tonight so i dont know what to wear. and then who knows what we'll be doing after that. i need to get new boots.

you are a manipulative piece of shit and i don't know how ANYONE can like you. the fact that you can get one girl, let alone play two at the same time baffles me. i've never hated anyone more than you and i honestly wouldn't give two fucks if you died a horrible painful death. you are a useless waste of space and a fucking liferuiner. you have ruined my sister's life long enough and i hope one day you feel as much pain as you've put her through. of course you would have to have a heart in order to feel that and i highly doubt there's a single ounce of caring in your entire body. you are a pathetic acne ridden jew nosed tiny dicked cunt and i pity your family for having to put up with your shit constantly. you're the poster child for abortions. just fucking die already so my family can have peace for once in their life.

yesterday was lame. got super angry :/
basically my sister is really dumb when it comes to love.
he's obviously playing her and she doesn't accept it.
why would she stick with an asshole who embarrasses her in front of all of her friends?

brrr it sure is cold out. i got to see bre today! i'm going to morp with jamie on saturday. imma get my dance on.
i hope it doesnt rain tomorrow. all my college shit is finalized except for one workshop i have to go to. and then i get to register on the first! ooh thanksgiving is coming up i'm so excited :D

my cd finally came :)
im so happy. bmth sounds so good remixed haha
johnny talked to jamie and kurt today and for the first time in three years someone has actually made a little bit of impact on their relationship and shit and whatever they have. i have a little bit more respect for him now. of course he's still a pervert hahahaha. my eyes are so dry i hate this part of the weather. i planned my schedule for next semester and i have to take three really hard classes. i'm not looking forward to that at all. oh well i'll still try my hardest with that shit. house is on tonight and i can't wait.

sleep over at c's last night. fun stuff. i had been waiting a whole month for that to happen again :)
we never talked about anything that happened like the whole note writing thing or anything. oh wellll.
maybe things will keep improving. who knows.
psychology test tomorrow. i'm actually pretty confident about this one.
knock on wood.

cosmopolitans are a lot stronger than i imagined. either that or johnny likes his drinks strong. damion flipped out on johnny last night because he thought he was trying to hook up with me. i guess he took it a little too seriously when my mom asked him to look after us. he also had a talk with c but i have no idea what they talked about. i ended up being a major bitch to c last night and i wouldn't have been that mean if i was sober. i don't understand why every time i drink i end up hating him. well except for tuesday night i guess. i know i made an ass out of myself and i sincerely regret it. the party got canceled so i have no plans tonight. i hope it doesn't turn out like last night.

oh i will be alright, just use me

ugh my favorite bracelet broke :(
i hope jamie gets the job. she's at the interview right now.
i have no idea whats going on tonight. hopefully its fun though.
tomorrow is nikki's party i can't wait. connor will be the dj. woo!
went to a study session today for my psychology test on monday, hopefully i can get an a on the test.

well things are slowly improving, i think. we're talking now at least. we haven't gone back to texting yet though. maybe that will happen soon hopefully. i really hope this weekend just makes things stronger instead of ruining the little chance i got back. part of me just feels like jumping back into acting like how we used to be but the other part is holding me back. it's like the beginning of summer all over again.

exactly a week

has gone by
and i honestly wasnt expecting what happened last night to happen
lets just say i ended up kissing c
so many more questions now
and none of my other ones have been answered
oh dear oh dear

day 5

of waiting.
c was at victoria's last night but i left my phone upstairs for two hours and by the time i found out it was too late to go over
this keeps getting dragged on and i fucking hate it
and i especially hate constantly having dreams where we make up and everything is okay. then i wake up. i can't even escape this shit in my dreams!
piece of shit

c didn't even show up at victoria's last night
neither did taylor
c decided to go to the stupid hotel party instead
all of his real friends were at victoria's house though
is he really avoiding me that much? idk
but last night was lame and this shit is never going to get settled if he keeps running away

i'm scared i've thrown it all away and i'll never be the same

tonight is going to be just awesome.
kickback at victoria's
taylor will be there
can we say halloween all over again?
i hope not
i better lay off the alcohol tonight unless i plan on becoming a depressed angry mess and pushing c even farther away than i already have
the way i see it he's already way past me getting him back
and to make it worse aunt flo had to show up for an early visit
bitch wasn't supposed to be here until tomorrow

wow i didn't post yesterday. thats surprising. STILL waiting for c to come and talk to me. saw him last night at golden hill, he said hi and the only conversation we had consisted of how both of our feet were cold. i guess he hates me. he told tori i was "trippin" bitch what the fuck does that mean?? i got a healing yesterday from victoria's mom i feel a lot better now. i would feel even better if c would just talk to me though. am i really that intimidating? might go over to victoria's today. who knows. i am becoming very fed up with this situation though.

if you listen, listen close you can hear when the heart stops

today had its ups and downs. woke up at 645 to get to the school by 815 for a meeting with my counselor. i'm right on track with schoolwork so thats good. math test was postponed. got a twenty out of twenty on my english paper :) i beat the guy who usually gets a perfect score haha. oral interpretation was fun. we walked to victorias house and did our scenes there. i have a healing tomorrow with victorias mom. then i find out jamie and kurt were at my house home alone. thats great. my ortho appointment was quick and easy, i dont have to go back for another ten months and while i was there i ran into my moms friend who said she could get me a job at rainforest cafe :) i'm definitely going to take her up on that offer. then i walk over to a and vs and c is there but he still won't talk to me. its been longer than 24 hours since i gave him the note but he still won't talk to me about it. i wish he knew how stressful this is. and i guess that taylor bitch wants to hook up with him. i'll punch her fugly ass face if that happens. so that was my eventful day. now i get to stress some more over c. i just wish he knew how badly i want this to be settled.

i'm destined to remain you were never mine

so i wrote c a note today. i poured my heart into it and told him how i'm feeling. after school he acts like i don't exist.
guess that note did NOTHING. i just wanted to know what the fuck is going on with us or with him and he can't even give me a few minutes of his time to let me know. so what am i supposed to do? i feel worthless. honestly i guess i should just move on. he could at least give me the closure i need.

:(

hello no sleep tonight.

the bmth remixes are good i cant wait for the cd to go on itunes
didnt talk to c today. i was supposed to though but i pussied out :/

disneyland was alright. we saw frank iero from my chemical romance. we went on the tower of terror six times :)
i think i have whiplash from the matterhorn though. my neck hurts so bad :/
this whole dilemma is making me so depressed. i can't sleep well and i have no appetite anymore. it's really hard not to think about him. victoria said he was going to ask me out two weeks ago, back when we were happy. but something changed i guess? i honestly don't know where this sudden change came from. the night i helped him babysit i told him i wasn't used to being this happy. i brought that up halloween night when we were talking and i told him i jinxed it i guess but all he could say was "that's a book i don't wanna open right now" what the fuck does that mean? it obviously can't mean anything good but when is he going to want to open this book??? i can't wait around forever wondering what the fuck is going through his head. he needs to just come out and tell me because the wait is killing me. if he changed just because he met that bitch taylor i'm going to punch him in the face. he can't fucking think he was going to ask me out and then all of a sudden someone else shows up so he changes his mind. maybe it's because i flipped out on him for those girls being all over him and he hates clingy girls and i guess that made me a little clingy. but you would flip too if every girl kept coming up to him and he would put his arm around their waist. you know what he said about that?? "i can't help that i'm attractive" OMG well you can help that you can put your hands somewhere else instead of near some bitch's ass! this whole thing is just so upsetting and i really want to talk to him and fix this. fuck my life.All the shame, all the pain that you have caused...

My heart can't beat (my heart can't beat).
All the fights, all the lies you put me through...
It's your disease.
You take. You take. And you...
You take. You take. You take the life out of me.
(I'm done)
I thought that love was bigger than your hate.
I thought that love could change your heart, but I was wrong.

halloween was a total catastrophe. i got so mad at c and accused him of trying to hook up with some chick. ugh it definitely was not a good night and things definitely aren't good between us. :(

so i will escape to disneyland today to forget about the shitty weeks i've been having.