idfk.

today is going to be slow i can tell. jamie is gone. bfs grounded. no plans. im so bored. i woke up after 12 hours of sleep only to find out my dad got in trouble last night gahhhh. great. just another thing to stress on. hes always getting in trouble with the law and i hate it. honestly i think he gets pulled over every other month. i dont know why hes always on the cops radar...maybe its because of our shitty ass van that he cant seem to part with even though only one car door works on it and a window is missing and the middle seat is taken out and its almost as old as i am. fuck. i fucken hate that car. how embarassing to be driven in it. i hate taking my friends places because that car is fucking gay. or maybe the cops are attracted to him because he looks like hes stuck in the 80s with that gay ass mullet of his and his stupid cut off shorts and shirts and his "bad ass" attitude. fucken anger management isnt helping at all. i hate it. i wish i had a normal dad then i wouldnt worry about him getting arrested all the time. but noooo he has to act all tough all the time and think hes the best driver out there and he thinks he could kick anyones ass. psh. fuck. i know im going to hate today. and to make it worse theres a crying baby at my house. and jamies not here so how am i supposed to have fun. i think im going to try and get out of here. somehow. i dont care if i have to go out myself and be somewhere alone. anywhere is better than my house. ill probably walk to tri city park...or somewhere idk. maybe i'll just walk to baskin robbins and get ice cream...idk exactly where ill go but i just want to leave. i wish i could see my bf today, he makes things so so so much better. ah like seriously... :) i was supposed to go to the mall with jamie today. oh well. i guess ill go get ready then for my adventure today...

leave me in the clouds.

one month today <3 whoooo. hahah wow time goes by fasttttt. spent the night again at kurts on saturday. it was fun, but then again its always fun sleeping over at kurts....except that one thanksgiving night...ah... anyways, im like superrr happy and yeah. i love his smile. ah. i love making him smile. i love the cute texts i get. i love holding his hand. i love waking up next to him. im just so scared..of smothering him. idk... i stress way way way too much.

it seems like everyone is grounded lately. progress reports came so basically all my friends are fucked. including jamie. two fs and two ds....goodness. so this weekend is going to be boring since no one can come out and play with me :( i think ill go to the mall and get size 2s. i need some. these size 4 tapers bug the shit outta me. theyre so long.

so my grandparents are coming down from nevada soon. im excited. ive missed them quite a lot. i let my papa read into the wild and he recently sent it back with a note saying how much he enjoyed it and such and i just saw his writing and it made me cry. hes like a second dad to me almost. i dont understand why people have to die...i dont think i could ever think about my mom or grandpa or grandma or sisters dying or even my cat salem who was my first pet ever. its hard to think about what i would be like without any of them in my life. death is horrible. but its inevitable.

fuck depressing subjects. i wanna go to the movies. or go mini golfing. or something fun. take me to an amusement park. better yet...the zoo. :)

my best quality

is also my weakest. i have discovered that i am nice but at the same time i am too nice. i dont know how i can change to become a meaner person, usually people change to be nicer. but this niceness has gotten me taken advantage of. i let people walk over me and its hard for me to say no or be assertive and aggressive i guess.....idkkkkk someone help me to be meaner. hahaha.

three weeks today. <3

walking

makes me tired as hell. but yesterday i walked roughly three miles from the freaking dog park to my house and today i walked another three miles, with about 300 other people. from my high school to commonwealth and brookhurst in memory of taureq. i didnt know him but a lot of my friends did and my bf did and i went with them for support. then on the walk there i saw his father and it killed me, i was overwhelmed with the unity of everyone that joined in the walk. at first i had doubts about the whole thing but im glad i changed my mind and im pretty proud of myself. ive just been in a super nice mood lately, yesterday i gave three dollars to a bum. wow go brandi! haha.

ah so anyways, today was fun :)
yesterday was fun too. i got to see my boyfriend after what seemed like the longest four days of my life. i went over to his house and we attempted to watch a movie haha. it sucks my dad had to pick me up so early though. whatev, we made up for lost time today at kurts house. bahahahaha. but now i am tired and better get my beauty rest cuz i hafta get up at 6 in the morning to showerrrrrrr.

vicodin.

never had it. but it probably would make my mouth feel wayyyyy better. bottom braces hurt way more than top. why didnt my lame ortho just put them on at the same time??? then i wouldnt be typing about them right now and i could actually be eating food instead of stupid instant breakfast things and all this liquid shit that makes me have to pee like every hour and gahhhh. so today was not how i expected it to go at all. i felt sick all day like pukey feeling and i totally thought i was going to vomit. but i didnt yay!!! but i feel fine now, i think it was just because i was worried about crying or something silly like that or probably because i hadnt really eaten anything for 24 hours. and yeah but i got to see my bf more than usual at school today...well i saw him after fourth haha and i never do. but anywho it sucked because he had to go home after school and couldnt really hang out and then he was kinda down because of something that happened after school and i just wanted him to be happy :/ kajkfjakjalkjkajaka im gonna miss him a lot. there really isnt a point of going to school if im not seeing him there. im so tired. i wanna take a chainsaw to my jaw

"if the moon feel down tonight"

by Dear Juliet is the song i can completely relate to right now. not just one part of the song but every lyric in that song makes me feel like it was written to describe how i am feeling right now.
Everytime I see your smile
it makes my heart beat fast
And though it's much too soon to tell
I'm hoping this will last
'Cause I just always wanna have you
Right here by my side
The futures near but never certain
At least stay here for just tonight
I must have done something right
To deserve you in my life
I must have done something right along the way
I just can't get you off my mind and why would I even try?
Even when I close my eyes I dream about you all the time
And even if the moon fell down tonight,
There'd be nothing to worry about to worry about at all,
because you make the whole world shine
As long as you're here everything will be alright

yeahhh that song speaks volumes. and like ah i'm so not going to be able to handle four days away from him. fuckity fuuuuck. ahhhh. im going to miss him soooo freaking much. wednesday is going to be hard, i have a feeling i might cry. gah im acting like hes leaving forever!! its only going to be four days. buts its even hard on me to go a day without seeing him. and my cell phone is being gay with the text messages i'll be in the middle of a txt convo and then all of a sudden it wont let me get a reply and its super lame. moms bringing home subway. i hope house is on tomorrow night. jamie and kurt are fighting but idk it kinda seems like hes going to leave her again but today he seemed fine so who knows. i have no idea with that kid, hes crazy haha. there was some huge party over the weekend that everyone and their mothers went to except for me cody kurt and jamie i think haha. we're lame. i didnt even get to see my bf on saturday and on sunday i saw him for less than two hours. so gay. whatever. kasjfksajkaja i just want subway.

smother me

already a week has gone by. wow. and i'm so scared of fucking this up. he's too good of a person to lose :/ but i know how clingy i get with boyfriends and i'm going to try my hardest to not go overboard even though it will be hard because i already like him a lot and like yeah. but whatevs. ahh he's soooooooo cute :) like everything he does makes me smile all big and stuff. i just hope that izzy doesn't spread her lies and fuck this up like she's done with kurt and jamie in the past. gah. i always come to this to write so much and then when i start typing it's like i completely forget everything i was going to say. all i can think about is my boyfriend haha. i think jamie's a little jealous because my boyfriend is cuter than hers hahahahaha. oh well, deal with it beyotch!! i dont know what i'm going to do when he's gone for four days straight and he'll be like a bajillion miles away :/ txt up the ying yang haha. i've hung out with him for the past two weeks straight and dont mind it one bit :) it's late-ish so i guess i'll stop before i start getting mushy.