straight up

i miss my best friend. hanging out with the group is weird. i love it, but its weird. and i'm pretty sure i don't have to explain why its weird. i'm hoping things will change soon, but i'm not exactly sure what i want to change. 2008 was probably the best year ever so far and i'm gonna have a lot of expectations for 2009 but who knows what will happen. i honestly didn't expect these past few days to go how they did but i'm really happy about it. i haven't thought of a resolution yet for '09 but i still have a day left to make one. no idea what tomorrows going to be like. ah that just gave me an idea for a resolution: not to worry as much. thats going to be super hard to keep up but i'll try my best. i planned my outfit for tomorrow. i'm so nervous though. but i've got a back up plan :) i wanna bring a bag but i don't wanna lose it like i lost my other one. maybe i'll leave it in joes car. maybe i should stop rambling. my mind is racing though, theres so much to think about.

doublestack blue fuck yous

where do i begin? yesterday/today were probably the best days of winter break so far. and it kinda sucks because so many people are mad at me over it. hey guess what i don't have to be a good girl all the time so just fucking accept it. i'm smart enough to know how to handle myself and i know when enough is enough. have i ever put myself into a dangerous situation? NO. because i can handle my fucking self so just accept it. thanks. and i don't see why everyone is making such a big deal out of it when they themselves have done the same thing. i know its just because they care about me though. anywayssss i couldn't have been any happier driving around with joe aaron jacob and cody the whole night and this morning. yeah that last name wasn't a typo i actually hung out with my ex and guess what else, we talked the whole time! i don't know where all the awkwardness went between us but suddenly it was gone and i'm so so happy that we're friends again. theres a lot i'm missing out on. umm joes idea to pull an all nighter at mount baldy was amazing! the snow was beautiful, but cold. but idgaf because i had codys warm jacket on and all the guys had to freeze haha. it feels like every pee i take lasts an hour. i made yellow snow!! i thought i was gonna get eaten by a bear though haha. and joe kept freaking out on everything but it was funny. i love those boys. and they better love me back. 

damn bloons tower defense 3!!

i can't beat track 2 or 3 and i haven't even attempted 4 yet. its those damn rainbow balloons that get me :/ today was fun. got downtown early. wasn't the only thing i did early haha. kerensa and mell are funnn. we took so many pictures. hooking up with _____ is really similar to hooking up with c. maybe it was because of other factors though that made it seem so similar. but shittt son it was so weird. ah way weird. on so many levels. and people really want me to get with t but i hate when people pressure me to get with someone. its the ultimate turn off. i don't care how hot a guy is if you're going to pressure me to hook up with him i'm not going to. i'm not that kind of girl. i don't do random hook ups. it takes me a loooong time to get comfortable with a guy before hooking up with them. a lot of people think thats weird because so many girls hook up with guys who they don't even really know. i'm not saying its a bad thing, i'm just saying thats not me. and sending pictures and hooking up are two completely different things. so shut up. seriously check out we came as romans. very good band. weird day.

merry xmas

from me and jamie :) 

i tried :/

made an attempt to talk to my ex (don't know why) and all i got was two word answers. why did i even make the effort and stress so much on it when he obviously doesn't care. i thought he would be in a good mood, it is christmas eve after all. but noooo he made it seem like i was wasting his time and everything i was saying wasn't important. i just tried to make things not awkward. how hard is that?? but fucking shit he can't even apologize for any of the shit he put me through. nine months must mean shit to you. what a waste of texting time. 

anywaysss merry christmas eve to everyone and happy other things to the non christmas celebrating kids. imma go eat santas cookies and try to forget i even wasted my time on that hairy bitch.

its late :/

and i can't sleep. this fucking heater is making noise and its pissing me off. i finally downloaded limewire. i don't know how i survived without it. i don't even feel one bit tired. its pretty lame. did all my christmas shopping so theres one less stress. i guess i must be a little tired because i can't type for shiiitttt. i don't know how well i'll sleep though.

in case you forgot:

blogspot= freedom of speech. don't like what i write? don't read it. its that simple. i can talk shit on whoever i want on here. hate me for it..i personally don't give a shit. its my opinion and i choose to voice it. i never once talked shit on you about it anyways on here so i don't see why you hate me. the liferuiner is over, uninvited of course. jamie better get back inside soon so we can finish doing what we were doing and get on with our day without anymore interruption. veronica brought me a mix cd which i'm in love with :) last night at chad's was so much fun. poor brian had to walk home alone from there though at like midnight. jamie was so funny hahaha. "i don't know what to do with a virgin" hahaha i love that girl.

oh yeah, we had to put peanut to sleep :( it was one of the toughest things to go through, but he was in pain so it was better for him i guess. i miss him so much though. salem isn't coping too well with it either. 

i have really bad anger problems :/ last night was a really good example of that. i tend to bottle up my emotions then release them unexpectedly. its probably not the best thing to do but i can't help it. honestly i don't know what would have happened last night if i didn't walk off. i'm not making a threat or anything but i probably would have beat the shit out of someone last night. 

soooo... :(

my kitty peanut is dying :( i'm so sad. its not good. the only pets i've had die on me before are goldfish.. i'm so scared.
winter break is going to be busy for sure. theres a lot of people i need to hang out with. as soon as i get free time i'll hang out with: andrew, anders, randall, brian, chad, cory, rory, cole, oliver, chase, and anyone else who wants to hang out. yeahhhhh plus my cousins might be coming down too. so brandi is going to be a busy busy girl this break. oh yeah and i gotta get a job. awesome.
its weird having my dad home. i don't like it actually. sometimes i kinda wish he was still gone... we adjusted so fine without him now he's back and its frustrating.
might go to chino today. who knows. might hang out with bre and brad and his friends...maybe i'll meet a new boy. don't really care because i don't need one. ha.
gotta go to the vet :/

N00DZ!!!!

what are best friends for??? hahahahahaha. friday night just made me and bre's friendship become stronger. i wouldn't have done that shit for anyone else. my throat hurts. how lame. chain show was alright. i got so mad at like 5908482369 people there though. almost got in two fights... wow. christmas is in nine days. scaryyy. dad comes home tonight. its going to be weird. two months without him... i don't know how it will be because i took up the fatherly role practically while he was gone. it will be weird because i won't have to worry about mom as much. maybe it will give me more free time. i hope. i've got a long list of people who i need to hang out with. the boy situation is a bit on the lame side. andrew and i text like every three days and its only like hour long conversations now. i hope he's home now from celebrating his 21st bday in vegas. but i honestly dont see a relationship out of him anyways just like a longdistancemesswithmyemotionspieceofshitthing. and me and bre are going to chino on friday to hang out with her lover and his friends..we'll see how that goes. thats about it. i wanna hang out with the group again....like really badly...but idk how awkward things would be :(

team brian!!

whooo! haha sorry i had like 92384237482672672188 sugar cookies today and am bouncing off the walls. you know what sucks about christmas time? all the stupid lovey dovey movies they have out. okay well actually i dont think the amount changes at christmas but i just seem to notice them more. i hate this. i used to be so happy being single and independent and la dee dah. now i miss having that special someone to be there for me. shitty mcshitpants. and i don't mean to be a bitch right now but its like the guys i do want don't care about me and the guys that really really piss me off are the only ones making an effort. so someone from my past came back in my...wait...scratch that, TWO people from my past are trying to come back in my life. and it would be fine if they were people who i didn't put in my past for a reason. but no. soooo fuckity fuck fuck them. and theres a really ugly lady in front of me haha. and i hate how boys won't hook up with a girl just because their friend went out with them. um hello that friend of yours doesn't care about me anymore so he probably wouldn't care if you hooked up with me you dumbshit. i really hate having to limit what i write in here because of who i think might read this. theres so much i really really wish i could talk about. but i can't because i think certain people would get upset. i miss jamie. she's never home. she's always with kurt. but she tells me she likes brian. but she doesn't do shit to get away from kurt. and then she gets mad when brian flirts with other girls and its like hello dummy do you not see what you're doing to him by spending every fucking waking second with that fucking douchebag? oh yeah i guess you don't. oh yeah but you hooked up with brian twice and didn't tell kurt. i wonder who will tell him. some lurker who reads my blogspot probably. awesome. i can't think of anything i want for christmas except for a zuboutique shirt. buy me one: zuboutique.com :)

sugar cookies!!!!!

taste so freaking bomb right out of the oven :) gonna get the dark knight todayyy yay!! stick to your fucking guns this saturday holy sheeeitttt with attack attack! my lovers. gonna tear that pit a new asshole bahahahahahaha we'll see. ummm not much to say. but there are some crazy people in this room. papa and grandma might come down soon :) miss those fools. i miss randall too :( and huntie :( and anders. sometimes that hairy kid too but hey what do you expect. they sell glasses at 7-11 that intensify the christmas lights when you look at them. don't tell the acid heads haha. ah i feel like i've been kinda mean lately but i don't do it on purpose. gotta get in the christmas spirit soon. and i gotta get jamie a present. damn ho. if only they invented anti-kurt spray. maybe i'd buy her some. who's going to watch a double shot at love with the ikki twins? definitely not me. house better be on tonight though. me and bre are going to speed zone!!! :)

i registered!

for classesssss!!!!!!!!!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy :)

i'm sooo happy :)

p.s. underneath the gun and the word alive were amazing <3

styg next saturday!

hopefullyyyy

i can register by tomorrow. and hopefullyyyyy the classes i want are still open. its weird how for some reason i've been thinking about my ex a lot more than i should be. and i don't like it. i really don't. :( its not like i try and think about him he just pops up and its fucking frustrating. and i don't know what to dooooo. fjsajsdhhasjsojsfidjajklsklfjalasissshdssdjksshit

this is bullshit!

i just wanted to register for classes and be in college and i go to do it and it says i have a hold! a hold?!!! what the fuck i just wanna be in college allfuckingready. shit! now i'm pissed off. grrrreat. whatthefuckever. i'll try again tomorrow i guess :/ i know what classes i wanna take just fucking give them to me already! ah! going downtown today maybeee.... i miss the old days when the group was a solid group and we weren't separated into different groups. the break up changed everything. but we all knew it would. i can't do anything about it. I JUST FUCKING WISH HE WOULD TALK TO ME instead of acting like i don't exist :( thats the only thing i hate: not being able to talk to him. it kills me. i just wanna be friends again dammit. oh i guess i don't fit in though because i don't fucking do acid and shrooms and get fucked up and fuck nasty beat hoes every weekend. damn you are right, i do hold my anger in. well maybe if we still talked i would be able to let some of it out. but noooooooooooooo you're too good for me now. ha. fuckity fuck fuck. and you know what else sucks?? craig left the word alive to remain in escape the fate. so when i see them on saturday i won't be able to see that sexy thing. ASS!!!! how depressing. theres so much more to say but its all angry stuff so i'll stop here. i think imma go to target right now. buy me some chocolate bahahahaha

two entries in one day wow

my tummy hurts like a bitch :/ just got back from dinner. maybe it was the dinner. i'm sick of people talking bad about my friends when they don't know shit about them. they mean the world to me and i know them better than you do so shut it! andrews going to be 21 soon how exciting :) lucky bitch gets to be in vegas that day.  but hopefully he'll come back soon so we can partay!!!!! yeah i pretty much just came on to bitch about people talking shit on my friends. i freaking love every single one of them. 

i got a macbook bitchesssss

be jealous :) i looove it!! and guess what? i register for college classes tomorrow! no idea what i'm going to take yet though.  i wanna take human sexuality and english and ummm maybe a first aid class and then idk what the last class should be. dinner at the beach tonight. yayy. not much else to say. wanna go to the word alive show on saturday, wanna have a bonfire, wanna have a girls night soon. and i wanna go christmas shopping too. gotta get all my friends presents :) and myself some things too haha. gotta go to dinner soooo PEACE!

dollar bookstores

are creeepyyyy. but they have cute kitties there :) i really really really like being single. i'm in no mood to have a boyfriend right now. i don't even think i'm emotionally ready yet. however i feel a lot of pressure from different people to hook up with someone and i really don't want to. i don't want to lead people on either but i'm kind of a big flirt :/ i can name at least five guys who i'm preeeetty sure like me and this may sound really egotistical of me but i'm not even happy because of it. its scary. its like the minute i became single suddenly i was a blip on every guys radar. sure its fun but i feel really really overwhelmed right now. i have worse things to worry about. like family matters. i don't need the stress of a boyfriend right now. i just like having fun. and i don't wanna be a whore and hook up with a bunch of guys either. thats not what i'm saying. i haven't done anything more than kissing since i got out of my last relationship, funny that my ex can't say the same. i just like taking things reallyyyyyyyy slow and thats what i'm going to do and if people can't respect that then whatever. the bringmethehorizon show was so much fun!!!! andrew came and it was really nice seeing him since i last saw him at scary farm. funny how both times i saw him he had been drinking. whatev though i hope he comes home soon from touring so he can throw a party at his super nice house :) bonfire tomorrow possibly, if it doesn't rain. the word alive show december 6th :) :) :) and the best thing of all??? i saw steph yesterday!!! i'm so happy. i miss her. i wanna start hanging out with her more again. i miss hanging out with people my age haha. i drove today twice and didn't crash. woo!!

headache :/

ran into a pole haha. my head hurts. and i have a big bump. not used to so much guy attention. its weirdddd. but whatever being single is funnnn. i might do something this weekend that would shock half the people that know me. maybe i'm ready to change, take a few risks. everyone needs to have fun sometimes, even if its not the best choices. ah whatever if i make no sense its because i hit my head haha. hungryyyy. wanna go to taco surf. get a brandi salad. miss him. hate him. its so confusing. fuck this fuck that lick my nutsack :) hanging out with chad tomorrow maybeeee. hopefully. fun stuff.

heyyyy shitface

if you wanted me to get over you then you could have just been fucking honest with me because everything you did just hurt me worse and it didn't make me get over you. you could have told me "yeah i wanna hook up with a bunch of girls and do a bunch of drugs and be a whore" and i would have fucking been alright with it because at least you would have told me the fucking truth. but noooooo now you have to go and hook up with my friend and just hurt me worse. wow. and then you had the audacity to finally talk to me last night as i walk up and see her on your lap. why did you wait so long to talk to me? i tried so hard to make things not be awkward every time you're around but all you do is act like i don't exist. thanks a lot. you suck :(

wheeeeeee

im happy :) had a blast at scary farm, met a boy there. it was pretty fun. nothing much else to say. im over everything i just wish he could still talk to me. gotta get my halloween outfit soon. oh yeah did i mention i had fun at scary farm :))))) hahahahaha

what the mother fucking fuck

wow. shows how much i really meant to you. obviously seven and a half months meant NOTHING. after everything i did to try and save our relationship. i cared so fucking much about you and it apparently didn't matter. i hope you used protection because that nasty ass cunt has diseases up the ass. and i thought i still loved you. wow. i can't believe you. and you don't even care. you could have at least waited longer than two weeks of being single before sticking your dick in some nasty loose whores vagina. but whatever. i'm so over it. you've disrespected me sooooooo much. i honestly can't believe this.

i did so much for you. i put everything before you. i made you my number one priority and this is all i get in return. fuck that.

closure

is all i want. just one more talk. to say thank you. for everything. if you knew how amazing you are, if you knew how much you impacted my life, if you knew how happy i was with you. if only you knew... i know the next girl will be so lucky. i can't help but feeling jealous. i want one more chance just to see if we can make it work this time. i promise i'll talk, there won't be any worry of a comunication gap. i cared the whole time, i just didn't show it as well as i should have. i know thats why we aren't together anymore, because i should have been there for you instead of distancing myself and giving you your space. i saw it a month before it happened, i was just in denial the whole time. then when it hit me it was such a shock, because we had our good moments in between the bad i always thought there was hope. i guess you had other thoughts. but hey i'll always be there for you i promise. as long as you're happy i am. no matter what. i just tried keeping you happy throughout our relationship. i guess i didn't do a good job at it. :(
the single life is hard. its weird having guys on my nuts already. and whats really bad is they're close friends of cody. some friendship. ha. one of the guys that wants me shares codys name haha weirddd. i have no interest in any of them. its too soon. plus i have this really bad habit of comparing them all to cody. i have all these expectations and i fear i'll never find anyone as good as him. i'll be single forever.
so the new house is alright. just up the street from my old one. its nice not being homeless anymore.
this weekend helped big time. i had so much fun with bre, aaron, nathan, cody kha and michael :) too bad i wont be here this weekend to have more fun with them. but im so excited for nevada you have no idea. i wont be home until the 17th if i'm lucky. thats going to be hard not seeing my fullerton family for that long :/ everyone better get their goodbyes in on thursday. then when i come back we'll party for sure :)
i'll end this on a happy note haha. i never thought me and silky bitch would be friends. but it turns out he never hated me. haha.

stage one:

denial. wow. i knew it was going to be hard, but i didn't know it was going to be thisss hard. breaking down every five minutes really isn't a good thing at all. i've been crying since tuesday night. i miss him so fucking much. just looking at him and knowing he isn't mine anymore KILLS me. and every thing reminds me of him which causes me to break down again. i can't do this. i wish i could have saved our relationship when i saw it was failing, i tried but it didn't work. now i feel so empty. everyone tells me i'll find someone better but there is nothing better. that boy came into my life and made me happy, even when i was mad at him i was still happy. he's amazing. he was my everything. now i'm nothing. i opened up like i've never opened up before, i was completely comfortable with him. he knew me better than anyone else. he knows things about me no one knows. the thought of anyone else with him kills me. those are my spots, thats my territory. well it was at least. i haven't been able to go through all 200 texts i have of his. thats probably going to be the hardest part. idk actually maybe accepting this will be the hardest thing i ever do. i would kill to get him back. just one more chance please. i can't do this.

the downward spiral

i hope it rains more. i like when it rains. what i dont like is hearing about my relationship being talked about. the only people that have the right to talk about my relationship is me and my boyfriend. so everyone else needs to stay out of my business. thankss :)

personally

i blame myself for ruining tonight. i ruined my boyfriends birthday. the way things went tonight i dont even know if he wants to still be my boyfriend. i never should have showed up. its all my fucking fault. i have a huge headache, cant sleep because im sooooooooooooo scared of whats going to happen tomorrow :/ fuck fuck fuck today has been the worst day ever. i was fucking told my bf was cheating on me like wtf yeah i dont believe it but to hear someone call you up and tell you something like that really fucks up the rest of your day. the worst part of this wholeeeeeee thing is the fact i lost jamie. she doesnt care about me she didnt do shit when kurt was yelling at me she couldnt even look at me. i have no one to fucking turn to. ughhh. i dont want to wake up. ive never been this fucking nervous before. my headache is just getting worse. jamie and kurt wont stop yelling at me. its all my fucking fault. im so sorry. for everything.

rampage jackson

watching this ufc fighting match makes me wanna beat the shit out of someone. i wish there was a fight club because i wouldnt mind making someone bleed :) im not rooting for rampage though, i want the other guy to win. bought my boyfriends present todayy. bought the book Candy also, funny how i can relate to so many lines in this book. i love it though, it makes me happy. i didnt go downtown after work just so i could stay home and read, i am soooo lame. tomorrow should be interesting...

i fucking love it :)

gross

never eating and watching house again. todayyyy hmmmm haha. went downtown to see people but didnt. so i went to the mall to get my frustrations out and shop. got cute things. idk what im doing saturday, im really nervous about going. ah. nah i gotta be tough. i just hate being this jealous. its scary. but you gotta fight for what you love right? agfaadsljuyag this has been the slowest week ever.

woah

didnt know what tree man looked like so i just googled him...yeah shouldnt have done that when im home alone, biggest mistake ever. now im scarred for life. no sleep for me. not like i get any ever though. but on a happier tone...im in a good mood today :) yeah that "bad news" wasnt bad at all. ilcac :D haha figure that one out. moms bringing home subway. house is on tonight. fun tuesday. woo! im gonna go draw now. <33

indecisive

came home from the mall with pretty much nothing. i was so indecisive today it was terrible. i went in vans twice then tried on the two shirts i couldnt decide on but picked neither. i got a jacket though. borders didnt have the book i wanted :( it was sold out. i realllyyyyy think the fantastic 4 should go to scurry farm together. itd be fun. yeahhh. its only monday. boo. i hate waiting for people to write back. i just wanted to know one thing and its taking forever to find out, i know the news wont be good though. oh well. paycheck comes thursday :)

minestrone soup

was all in the toilet last night. threw up three times. gross. what a way to end the night. discovered a giant bump on my shin this morning. i have new cuts and bruises that weren't there two days ago. barely remember shit from last night. i feel so stupid. i know i said a lot of dumb things and i know i did a lot of dumb things. i heard some things happened after i left, lets hope they aren't true.

thank you mindy for keeping me up until 1:30 last night. im glad i could help you with your boy problems :)

theres so much i can say yet nothings coming out. talking with bre just made me realize how much more depressed i am. she helped a little but it just showed she's the only person that cares. i think if i went away everyone would be better off. no one wants to hang out with someone who's depressed all the time. going away to nevada really sounds appealing. maybe i can go next week, or maybe after codys birthday so i can give him his present. no more ksf. work was insane today i came home bloody haha i didnt want to leave though. its too early to sleep, theres nothing to distract me though. i wanna play soul caliber right now. jamie hasnt been home for 6 nights straight. haylees gone. i wish i could be gone too. mmm i hate this. and im really really sorry to whoever reads this like seriously im probably putting you in a shitty mood and im so so sorry. truly. i just want you to be happy so dont read these because they're always so negative and i promised you i would try and stay positive but its hard, i really dont want to bring you down. yeah like that last sentence wasnt directed at anyone in particular hahaha. bleh. theres a bowl of frosted mini wheats with my name on it. someone text meeeeeeeeeeeee.

just to let you know

that song wasnt even worth the wait

wanna sleep

took a sleeping pill for the third night in a row :/ cant sleep yet because attack attack is putting a new song up soon. if i had to think of my favorite day of summer it would be friday/saturday at tophers :) i was soooo happy then. my birthday comes in second though, that was a fun day too. i was thinking about just getting away from everyone and staying up in nevada with my grandprents for a while...i wonder who would miss me. i probably wont go up until october and im only going if things dont improve. not even jamie cares about me anymore, it sucks. i need a HUGE self esteem boost. and i need to stay away from the sleeping pills.

hi

do me a favor and never talk to my boyfriend again

ugh i wish it was that simple but noooo half of the female population want him.
its his smile, thats the first thing i noticed when i first met him and thats whats making all the bitches wet themselves haha. whatever theres nothing i can do but ignore it which is like telling a bulimic not to go to the bathroom...FUCKEN HARD!!

playlist

was up until one last night making it and i'm not even done. theres a random mix of my favorites, guilty pleasures and songs that remind me of certain things and people. today was a letdown. just have the weekend to look forward to.

fuggin headaches

i hate them. i feel sickkk. idk why though. saturday was weirdd. earlier that morning i was thinking of old times at kurts then i ended up spending the night there with cody just like old times. except we got accused of doing something we didnt even do. but whatever. i gotta go bday shopping soon. i have a few ideas of what to buy :) sooo before their eyes has a new really good song. they'll be at chain nov 8th i believe. gotta get my ticket for ksf too. i feel like i've been distancing myself from everyone. idk why though :/ hopefully moving will make things better. i finally have a free weekend. topher still owes me haha. house is on tomorrow!!! :)

cross your fingers for me please

for the first time in two months it seems like things are headed in the right direction. i got a volunteer job at petsmart which i'm super excited about because i get to work with animals and its one step towards my dream :) then we have college shit and i met with this guy who i guess is paying for all my classes spring session and giving me money towards books. i cant wait to start college and meet so many new people. alright so now time for the really big news, if things go well i may be moving into a house on saturday. no more hotels for me :) the location is ideal, just down the street from the thursday market and its literally 4 houses from victoria. i've reallyyyyyyyy been looking forward to having my own room again and having friends over. so lets hope for the best <3

realization

everythings my fault, yet i do nothing about it. my self esteem is completely shot. i dont know whats happened. i feel like i cant make anyone proud. no one cares anymore. i just wish someone actually could bring my self esteem up but lately ive been feeling a little forgotten. all this free time has really been depressing me...which is why i went and applied everywhere today. so far ive applied at see's, michaels, coffee bean, target, petsmart, vans, and henrys. lets hope i get a call back soon.

fuggin chit

imma kill my orthodontist. i got stupid bands today and i can barely open my mouth. sucksss. tomorrows gonna hurt like a bitch i can already tell. i dont know what i'll be able to eat and i really don't feel like going out in public with these things on. ran around everywhere today i'm so tired. i got up at 7 to go to the jc to get college shit done. had an ortho appt which was gayyy then walked by the potential house and did a walk thru, the bedrooms are huge which makes me happy. then walked to cefiore to apply but they weren't hiring even though i was told they were. so now i gotta find a new job potential. maybe petsmart haha. i miss my babe :/

weirdddd

i saw pictures of emile hirsch at the pineapple express premiere and i couldnt help but notice the resemblence between him and someone else i know....:


<333

morning

woke up to a new amazing song by the word alive. i would kill to see them at chain this friday. might go to fullerton to give thing one and thing two the death stare. fucken hoes i swear. i thought last night was my last day of work, i was wrong :/ had trouble sleeping last night, i couldnt stop thinking about who had been in my bed earlier that day haha. gotta go buy birthday presents soon, i've got a few ideas of what im getting certain people. knotts scary farm is approaching and i cant fucking wait. imma jizz hahahaha. and 7 months is almost here already. damnnnn. <3

oh yeah someone take me to the mofuggin mall i need to go jacket shopping

ha. i tried.

but writing is how i vent. unexpected guest today haha. weirddd. got work in 30 minutes. lame. but im in a good mood now. yep. :)

haha

this gets me in trouble so im done with this shit for now.

fuck my life. fuck everyone. things are just getting worse. fuck family i dont have one. fuck education. fuck having a roof over my head fuck stability fuck friends fuck keeping friendships after graduation fuck my job fuck the heat fuck bruises fuck birthdays fuck crying fuck depression fuck drugs fuck you fuck me

5 PM

feeling stretched thin
lungs bursting with words
but lips remain shut
sometimes even breathing is a challenge
the only thing keeping me going is the love running through my veins
words escape: "can you feel me melt beside you?"

six months today

time goes by wayyyy too fast. but i couldn't be any happier :)



i love this boy soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much <3

gang watch??

idfk. theres so much bull shit going on its hard to determine truth from lies anymore. what the fuck happened to honesty. two faced people really piss me off too. like seriously you talk sooooo much shit on him and then you're all over him when he comes around. makes me want to throw up. i'm not going to kiss his ass and act like i like him. how am i supposed to when he treats my sister like crap. stay out of their business? ha its a little fucking hard when i'm around jamie 24 fucking 7. and i'm not getting involved i'm just voicing my opinion so if you don't like it then fuck off. afi has a new song and its unsurprisingly not that great...in fact its kinda shitty. ha wow. i've come to realize i put up with a lottttt of shit. it takes so much for me to get upset. and when i do i just hold it all in. thats how i am, i don't like talking about things when i'm upset because i don't like putting other people in a worse mood. i like keeping the atmosphere positive. today was actually pretty fun even though it didn't go how i expected it too. the one thing i really really wanted to do i didn't get to. if it doesn't happen saturday i think i'm going to shoot someone. seriously. but anyways today was a bit different, we didnt really hang out in our usual areas. the tunnels were creepy yet fun. ouch i just tried to chew ice and for a second i forgot my mouth is super sore from the ortho today. fucking dentist. whatever my dentist is super chill and he always smells like weed for some reason haha. okay i completely got off topic. maybe i should just stop typing. who knows how much i am allowed to type without getting in trouble. turns out more people than i thought read this. how weird is that? i'm not even good friends with like half of you why do you care so much about whats going on with my life?!

i needa showerrrr

looooong weekend. irregular sleeping patterns. my back is sore from sleeping on floors all the time. first thomas' then kurts. saturday night wasn't as great as i had hoped. a lot of shit went on and it didn't get good until about 12:45 when i finally got to lay down haha. we watched the lion king at kurts house and cody tried making me watch the sad part haha bitch. topher was tripping on the cat. went to bed at like 6:30 then woke up at ten to pancakes. went back to bed after eating and woke up at 12. yeah i need better sleep. sooo i wanna do something cute for the 12th but i have no idea. do you even celebrate 6 months??? idfk, it seems like kinda a big deal. but idk because i'm definitely no expert on relationships. wooo i ate a shitload when i got "home". i got to see my kitties today finally after two whole weeks. it was really depressing. the only non-depressing thing in my life right now is my boyfriend. thank god i have him to help me get through all of this. the hard part is not knowing how much longer i'm going to be living like this. how akward is this spilling my emotions to strangers? maybe i'll lay off the blogspot for a little while since it tends to get me in trouble because i'm so ridiculously open on here.

...but home is nowhere

fuck i can't find that song anywhere on myspace. just got outta the shower. haven't been home in forever. 25 hours away from "home" it was good :) this week has been so up and down its ridiculous. and the week isn't even over. soooo lets seee hmm sunday i went over to codys, that was fun. monday was work, that was pretty lame. tuesday i went to the college to take a test and couldn't because i don't have a picture id so i was in downtown for three hours waiting for cody to get outta summa school, and at 11:42 a.m. i was at starbucks sitting alone and then the earthquake hit. it was pretty nerve racking since i was all alone and because my phone stopped working after that. then school got out and i met up with cody and jerry, justin anders and miranda too....jerrys house was fun :) then i went over to codys house for dinner and that was pretty fun too :) then wednesday i had work again and that was gayyyy. then yesterday was the market and i got to fullerton at 11 and had a bagel and blake hooked it up with some free frucci which was freaking delicious. and a bunch of shit happened at the market yesterday which i don't feel like typing out. basically i talked to vee and bre, straightened it out i think..idk. mindy was there which was fun because i love that girl. then it basically went like painkillers, frezzies, ralphs, hillcrest couch, bust, messing with topher, hole in the wall, bust, eric and tylers house??? abandoned house, tandem bike, thomas' house, backyard, ghost? the warriors, sna(not watching movie at all, fun fun sweaty sweaty)tch x1.5, the mummy, sleep. basically. and tonight should be fun i hope. i want to get drunk. fuck. i want to move out. i want to live on my own. but places are so expensive and theres no way i can get a job to afford monthly rent. :/
on happier terms: 6 months is approaching. shittt it seems like yesterday we had just started going out. and now look, half a year later and i'm insanely happy <3 i love this boy so much. we've had a few rough times but we stuck through it and haven't given up and every little speedbump just makes us that much stronger. yeah i used to be a little insecure about all the girl attention he got but i don't freak out over it as much as i used to. because i have him, not them. i still get fucken pissed off but thats normal. girls have no respect whatsoever. they just better not cross the line because i'm not afraid to fling fists. there's no one else, nothing else in this world that makes me as happy as he does. every fucking day i fall harder and harder for him. i don't know what life would be like without him. i'm not sure i would still be here. fuckkkkk <3

i wanna escape

wayyy too much family time for me to handle. its hard being cooped up in a room with my wanna be mexican little sister. we stayed at a hotel by codys house for two nights, ironically he wasn't home for either of them haha. now we're at some place by dennys. i wish i knew what was going on but our stupid landlord is in thailand and i dont know when we can get ahold of her. so in the meantime i'm stuck here with my family in a small hotel room. haha not fun at all. i wanna run away to africa:

spilling everything

wow. this has seriously been like the most depressing month ever. as of roughly 5 o clock sunday evening my life got pretty fuckin depressing. eviction?? idk even know what to call it. but i haven't slept in my house since saturday night, i've had to live at my cracked out alcoholic aunts house with my adhd 7 year old cousin who still wears diapers. jamie, haylee, and myself have been confined to sleeping in the same bed. luckily haylee has been gone for the past two nights so jamie and i got to stretch out a little more. and if things couldn't get any worse my dad's car like died on him yesterday and we're out of a car until it gets fixed. wow my life sure is fucked. but the mechanic is coming today and there's a good chance we'll be staying at a hotel tonight instead of this hell hole. its one of the most embarrassing things i've had to go through and i haven't really told anyone about it, until like now. but i don't even know who reads this shit so i'll never know who knows and who doesn't. but this whole situation is nothing new to me, we got kicked out of our apartment when i was a freshman and jamie and i got to stay with my papa and grandma for about three months. hopefully we're not homeless for that long this time. wow its so depressing...fuck. honestly, the thought of just offing myself has crossed my mind. but i know it would kill jamie. i could never do it. so don't trip fools. but like on a scale of one to ten my life is like a 3. it would be so much lower if i didn't have cody in my life. that boy has no idea how much he means to me. he's gotten me through so much shit and he doesn't even know. sooo i gotta go shower in my aunts freezing cold shower since the gas got turned off and there's no hot water. i can only keep my head up and hope things get better, all i need is the support of everyone <3

p.s. i drove kurts car yesterday it was mucho mucho fun!!! :)

baby muncher

its hard to find how to start this. positively i guess... sooo i went to disneyland yesterday with jamal and we broke our tower of terror record by riding it six times. damn jamie sure knows how to scream. there were like a bajillion people there and the lines were long. but the food was good. so i lost my best friend, well i didn't really lose her i just stopped talking to her. it was for good reason though, her and her bff were both trying to get with MY bf. ha. i go through shit like this every month it seems. fucking whores always trying to get with my boyfriend and i hate it. they were telling him shit that was completely untrue and telling me shit that wasn't true and thank god everythings settled now. sunday didnt go exactly as i had planned. family shit. jakjskajaasaja really really retarded shit. its horrible. i'm so grateful for the people in my life that help me stay positive through this whole thing. its not easy trust me. hopefully i can go out tonight and get my boyfriends surprise. ahhh. im the luckiest girl alive. no fucking joke.

vegetable soup

gahhhhhhhh. where do i begin? tried to meet up with people but they can't stay in one place long enough for me to meet up with them. who knows if they even wanted to see us today though. things are weird now between everyone. according to someone "they're his friends, you shouldn't hang out with them when he's not there" idfk. some shit like that. but whateverrr. i hung out with jamie bre luc and jason today. you know how some people are only good in small doses? yeahhh i have a friend like that. people get annoying pretty quick. today was lame. i really need to spend some alone time with certain people. but idk. fuck. why should i even type on here. i'm scared, sad, worried, frustrated and like every other negative emotion. i used to be so happy. and i was happy today for a little but then i got depressed again. whyyy am i writing here??? fuck this shit

change

is hard. but good. essential i guess. i bet you had a better thursday than i did. i got invited to hang out with bre and vee and karah then vee and karah went to salts (even though salt told me he didnt want girls there which was one of the reasons i didnt go) and so it was just me and bre downtown. then luc and jason showed up. we hung out for a bit. bre tried calling vee and ended up getting ditched and had to spend the night at mi casa (she's upstairs on my bed sleeping right now and its 4 in the afternoon haha) oh well. now im trying to find something to do today. i wanted to see cody but idk how long he'll be at salts plus he'll probably be tired. ahhh. maybe jamie and i and bre will just go downtown and see what happens from there. and i wish i went last night but in the back of my mind something tells me i'm glad i didn't. i wouldn't have had any fun at all. but i didn't have much fun at all last night anyways. i only have monday to look forward to. i'm sooo excited. i guess i could make plans for sunday too. or hang out tomorrow before work...shit idfk.

eep :)

today was pretty good. i finally got to see my boyfriendddd :D i was so happy. it sucks i won't see him tomorrow though. the market is going to be so fucken boring. oh well. it will probably be like me jamie kurt and maybeee luc. awkward. but i guess its better being there than at the "guys time" or whatever its going to be. i wouldn't want to ruin that. plus i wouldn't fit in with any of the things they'll be doing. shitt i gotta take my placement test soon for college. theres a bunch of upcoming shows at chain i need to go to. i think jamie and i might go to the one on the 27th, if we aren't working. which i really super hope we aren't. its a bunch of hardcore christian bands but they're superrrrr good. i dont know what its been with me lately but all of the bands i've been discovering are christian screamo. is jesus trying to tell me something? do i need to go to church? whatttt?? ahhh. friday: dark knight comes out, but i cant spend my money on it until after jamie and i go on our dateee <33 bahaha. it sucks that my parents take my money without telling me because i'm saving up for shit and they go and take it. fuck how would my family survive if jamie and i didn't have a job? it scares me. we'd probably be on the streets. ehhh idk. maybe thats too harsh but fuckkkk its like theres never any money in my house. only the cash i earn from work and that gets taken all the time too. shittt i had this thing in my mind that i was gonna do and i completely forgot what it was. stupid hobag distracted me and got me all thinking and frustrated and i know shes not being completely honest with me which makes me suspicious, some best friend. guess what? my house is haunted. two people were murdered in my moms room. that explains why i thought i saw someone in my room. and why jamie saw someone in the closet and why my mom heard a little girl talking. creepy. yeah see how good i sleep tonight knowing that shit. hahahaha this has gotten too long.

good day todayyy

i thought it wasn't going to be but it was. sucks that i missed seeing my boyfriend by like 30 minutes, ah if only i got to the hospital earlier...but i got to see joe and it was good, he liked his card haha. i'm so happyyyy :) i had fun with kurt and jamie today driving around. and i had a really good dinner at big slice haha. garlic bread and salad mmmmm. i get to see my lover tomorrow i'm so fucking excited. its been five ridiculously long days. and i can't wait until tomorrow. im gonna sleep good tonight thats for sure. i just have to wake up a little bit earlier and get pretty then go over to fullas. it should be fun. fuckkk i wish i could find that song on my ipod that jamie and i both were talking about but i cant find it anywhere. if only i had less than 200 afi songs maybe it would be easier. but nooooooooooo. see this:

^^^^i love that kid. sooooo much.

my day

has just begun. ha not really i spent like two hours watching shear genius. fucken bravo distracts me all the time. anywhooo jamie and i are going on an adventure to go visit our friend in the hospital and we made him this awesome card i hope he likes it. then i have no idea what we're going to be doing. maybe hang out downtown idkkkk. im kinda worried though that kurt talked to cody about things because jamie exaggerated some things to kurt like i wanted cody to stop drinking and doing drugs and how he should change for me, but those things aren't true at all. i dont care what he does as long as he doesnt get hurt. and as for the whole changing thing i think its stupid too. i dont want to force anyone to change. people change themselves, its them who makes the decision and i have no right to decide who's going to change because i myself am not perfect. sooooo if kurt tells cody these things that jamie says then idkkk i'll just have to set the facts straight. mm well i gottta go get ready for the hospital. <3

i stumbled upon this

and i think it could not be any truer

bipolar juice??!1!

haha. why do christian bands sound so much better than normal bands? is it because they have jesus behind them??? okayy well i can think of a lot of good normal bands but the crimson armada and seladora are freaking amazingggg and blessthefall and the word alive too! which reminds me i should go listen to them. fuck sunburns are itchy and so are scabs i hate them. if i could be anywhere else it would be disneyland, no scratch that i wanna go to the mofuggin san diego zoo. went to the beach today. it was hot. then it got freezing. i really want a dog. i can see myself in ten years being the crazy lady of the neighborhood having like ten dogs fifteen cats and a bunch of birds and snakes and lizards and fish and crazy animals and such. ha i wish. fuck brooke hogan is a whore. why does she get her own tv show? i need one. but i really really need to go to blogspots anonymous because this shit is getting out of hand. i write on this too much. someone tie me up and take the keyboard awayyyyy

ummmmmm

i'm trying. i really am. i fucked up, i said i was going to be more open and i couldn't keep my word. so where does this leave me? i don't know. things aren't right. i need....i need someone something to keep me sane. i can't lose this. i'm so scared right now. i'm trying so hard to keep things normal, to not fuck up, to not lose what means most. but holy hell. what else can i do? i haven't had a good nights sleep since like wednesday. i've lost my appetite. i'm not my happy self anymore. honestly i don't even know how this happen. i apologized i thought everything was okay. maybe i'm making everything worse than it really is. i always see the worst in situations though. this blog entry is probably going to make me look bad too. but fack...

yadumbcunt

i write way too much on here. but its boring at my house so this keeps me sane. i discovered why i've been so angry lately and i've taken my anger out on the wrong people. turns out i've been frustrated over my sister. i know i should stay out of her business but its hard. she hooked up with jose last night, then she went over to kurts tonight and freakinggg luc told her he likes her wtf. she has at least three guys on her tits and she's playing games with all of em. well maybe not luc, idk. i dont really care. but its hard just sitting back and seeing two guys get led on. i dont know who she's going to choose and i don't really know who i would want her to choose at this point because either one is going to get hurt. so i've been really frustrated at her for like this past week and i've taken my frustrations out on the wrong people. i even took it out on little kids at my work :/ so no work for a whole week :) yayyyyyy. beach tomorrow? maybe. i wanna see cody too sometime but he starts summa school on monday. i hope that goes well. i'm sure he'll do fine though and if he needs help i'll just do his work bahahaha. its almost one in the morning maybe i should go to bed since i'm getting up at 9. ah but i gotta showerrr too. fuck there were some ugly ass kids at work today. it must have been take your ugly child to a baseball game day or something.

:/

the main reason for my happiness is at his house right now texting me :) jamies out at a party getting drunk and molested by jose and i dont care because he's a good guy hahaha im really tired but i kinda had some smirnoff so im not that tired but its not fun being buzzed and home alone. wow no parents home either. just me. fuck i wish my boyfriend was here. today is our five months :)))) i can't believe he's actually put up with my shit for this long. i can't say i've been the best girlfriend but i've tried. i know i can do better though. i dont know why i keep spilling this much because i know for a fact he reads these. i feel bad, i feel like i made him mad or upset or something but gahh idk. its hard to believe things i hear because i know how people exaggerate... especially people that like seeing other people hurt so they say the things that hit my weak spots. :/ last day of work is tomorrow, then a whole week off. yayyyy. i dont know what i'll do with my free time because jamies gonna be bleedin love and shit hahahahahaha. wow im not a nice sister at all. im sorry jamie :/ ohhh yeah i saw steph yesterday it was pretty random but i got to talk to her for like an hour. and i saw blake too. i miss them. i dont know how to end this. soooooo end.

where the fuck did my self esteem go?

i wish

i could be your anti-drug :/

i probably shouldn't have gotten in the car with three boys tonight but i was hurt. i'm sorry. i don't want to turn into the controlling you can't do drugs girlfriend. but i'm afraid i am. i don't know where to draw the line. i'm super tired and spilling my heart out is probably not the best thing to do right now because i'm super vulnerable when i can't keep my eyes open. i worry too much. lets leave it at that.

fuuuuuuckkk youuu :)

you're a whore bag and you're really pissing me off. so get off the kitchen counter and go wash your filthy vaginaaaaa. blitch. i like my new myspace song. but i miss my old one because i loveddd it :/ thursday market tonight. i hope today is better than yesterday. getting kicked out of kurts house after being there for like three seconds wasn't very cool. then jamie and i left and lo and behold i ran into damion. grosss. but i didn't recognize him until i had passed him thank god. i'm going to buy the biggest icee tonight. why doesn't that look spelled right...icee...ah oh well. i'm worried...but i worry too much. i just yeah ah. fuckity fuck. do the helen keller and talk with your hips. i had the weirdest dream last night that involved a pineapple flavored condom. yeahhhhhhh it was interesting. but it made perfect sense i think. its something thats been on my mind a lot and im not talking about pineapple flavored condoms. i dont know why i haven't done it yet..i guess im just worried im going to mess up or something or like embarass myself. but i know they want it. hahahaha. ah fuck i think i've given too much away. i really really miss steph. :( my teeth hurt, fucken braces. i think people look at me differently now that they know about my personal life. but i dont want it to change. i dont want to seem any differently than i was before i started having.... but it seems like certain people view me as more of a whore now and i really hate it.

stop bitching

gah. i hate my house. all my family does is complain :/ my twelve year old sister is a dumb bitch, the last thing she said to me last night was "so have you and cody fucked recently?" what the fuck my twelve year old sister said that, wow. jamie....idk....she told jose she was "done with that fag" yet she's hung out with kurt four days in a row and they're all over each other. so she's leading on one of the two. or both. i wouldnt be surprised. she's hurt jose two times already and he gave in again and believed she was done with kurt and he actually wants to go out with her but she's really not showing that much interest in him anymore. hmmm kurt or jose...? i would go with jose. he has a job, a car, he goes to school.... ah no my sister is dumb and chooses the controlling guys not the nice ones that will actually treat her right and not like some stupid sex slave. i wanna see my bf today. i wanna see him every day though haha. parents might go out of town real soon...like tomorrow soon. sleepover?? hahaha yeahhhh right. paycheck comes on friday. $$$$ how exciting. thursday markets tomorrow. gotta register for classes at the end of july. how scary. im growing up. wow. i wish i could move out. my family has really been getting to me lately. all my parents do is fight. i hate it. but everyone has family problems i guess. no ones perfect. fuckkkk carpet burns itch like a bitch :/ i wish the dark knight came out this friday. i really wanna see heath ledger on a giant movie screen. i dont even care if he looks like a freakin weirdo in that movie he's still hot. no work all of next week. im excited for more free time. more time to spend with cody <3 gotta go, theres a vegetarian sandwich in the kitchen with my name on it...

woooooooooowwww

mood killer. i fucking go on here all happy and now i'm on the verge of tears. i hate this. fuck the fourth of july its the worst holiday ever created. i've never liked it its so fucking retarded and tonight is probably going to be the worst fourth of july ever for me. work is going to suck. i hope you enjoy the fireworks you fucking losers. oh and im really sick of people trying to keep shit from me. so work is going to blow. i have to walk there by myself. fucking kids going nuts. worrying about certain people while my friends have a "mind blowing experience" watching fireworks. how cool are you. fuck my friends. fucking druggies. someones going to overdose. someones going to get hurt or arrested. and you're all fucking stupid. first it was weed then coke then x then this. wow. i cant wait to see what you all will do next. i really wish i had friends i could be proud of. but i dont. i dont even know anymore. fuck. thanks a lot.

carpet burn

sooo i just got home from a "kickback", there was like four people there, seven if you include me jason and alex. but i got to hang out with jason before he leaves for arizona at the end of summer so it was all good. im gonna miss that kid a lot. he probably won't miss me since he's leaving to move in with his 22 year old girlfriend. and then i come home and see that bree added this song that i had posted a while ago and the lyrics matched perfectly with how i felt about cody at the time. its called "if the moon fell down tonight" look it up if you have free time. of course now foour months later my feelings are much stronger and its hard finding a song that perfectly fits with how i feel about him. nine inch nails "closer" comes close though hahahahaha just keeding. so my back is fucking sore. and skins missing off it. but im not really complaining :) spent the night at kurts two nights ago. but i didnt go to bed until 11:30 am roughly, then got about three hours of sleep. i miss my boyfriend and its only been a day since i last saw him. :/ work was gay tonight. then subway was closed so i didnt get that for dinner. then jason came over at like eleven and we went to this mansion where some fat bitch lived. the place was fucking huge just like the fat chick hahahahahaha. and now its two in the morning and im starving and tired. hopefully i can go to hunters tomorrow. even if its only for two hours. and hopefully jerry has his thing on friday even though i have work. and hopefully theres something in my kitchen to eat because imma go raid that shit. fuck i ate all the rice krispies this morning :(

rainbow burrito

turns out i was stressing over nothing. found out some dumbass sluts said some shit that was completely UNTRUE. haha yeah right like i would ever have sex with that fat fuck. grossssssss. dont make me throw up the nectarine i just ate. so im pretty effin happy. cody came over on friday and it was super fun :) and he might come over today too. which means i probably should be getting ready right now but whateverrr. some asshole said some LIES about me and cody having sex in jamie's bed which was completely untrue. i dont see why someone who supposedly "wants their best friend back" would say shit like that. but what do you expect. i dont even really want to talk about him or that though because it makes me so upset. the whole him and jamie thing is the most ridiculous thing ever. i hate it. mmmm so i still really wanna go to disneyland, but i keep spending my paycheck $$ instead of saving up for it. its really hard for me to keep money though because there are so many things i want to buy. like shoes. i love shoes. summers going by too fast :/

freedom of speech

apparently people don't understand that concept. if someone wants to voice their opinion...they can do it freely. so fuck off. mmm yeah woke up in a bad mood, again. i didnt get any sleep last night. too much is on my mind. im really trying to not think about it though. plus you know how i am...always thinking the worst in a situation. but then again i know how a certain someone is, always exaggerating things and trying to make me think the worst. i just want today to be over so i can be free from work for five days straight. i dont have much of an appetite...idk why. summers supposed to be a happy time but pretty much my only highlight so far was my birthday. i think my work is depressing me, i've contemplated quitting. for some reason working around a bunch of screaming kids is not the best job...i wonder why. the only reason i'll probably stick around is because of the money. gahh i always hate writing about depressing stuff. so on a happier note.....ha i can't think of anything good right now.

we gonna party like its ya birthday

wooo birthday party was effin fun minus jerry throwing up EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!! but whatev. im not in a good mood right now and i dont know why. i really wish i could listen to my new atmosphere cd down here but jerry unplugged my speakers and im too lazy to plug them back in so im stuck listening to AFI on my ipod...bummer :/ haha. yeahhhhh boyfriends got some new piercings and he looks sexy as fuck. snakebites are one of the hottest things ever. and when you have a smokin hot boyfriend and then he gets smokin hot piercings thats like one million times hotness right there and i know bitches are gonna be all up on his nuts. fuck. this relationship has made me realize how jealous of a person i really am. but i cant help it and i dont know what to do to change it. if i have guy friends he can have girl friends but i just always assume and karmas probably gonna kick me in the face if i keep doing it. its just sooooooooooooooooooooo hard. and then i get all self conscious and freak out and yeah :/ but anyways back to my birthday....it was so much fun and hard to believe that i could actually pull off an evening that amazing. but i did it and i honestly dont know how i did. but it was seriously the best birthday i have ever had. all thanks to cody :) theres a lot of stuff i could talk about right now about my birthday but im not sure how much i want to spill. lets just say it was fucking amazing and leave it at that. and now im in a really bad mood because i feel so stressed out on so much. i have so many things i want to do and need to do and not enough time to do them. i have work most days at 6 but it fucks up my whole day because my friends are vampires and dont have free time to hang out with them and all they do is drink every fucking day and that doesnt even sound that appealing. and i miss my steph and want to hang out with her and i want to go to disneyland and i want things to get better and i want to stop worrying and over analyzing every little thing but its just how am i and the stupid gardeners woke me up this morning which is probably why im in a really shitty mood and ranting about every little thing possible. well since im in a bad mood im just going to let it all come out. sooooo fuck you you fucking asshole and leave me the fuck alone, seriously you have a fucking wife and i dont like how you show up at my house without asking i dont like the inappropriate texts you send me i dont like how after two fucking years you claim to still be in love with me and i really dont like the sick feeling i get after i receive a text from you. i hate how my day automatically becomes shitty as soon as you try talking to me. im not attracted to you and i've told you off and have brought up the fact that i have a boyfriend over a million times but you dont give up. and i honestly dont know what to do. because as much as i ignore you it seems you try even harder to talk to me, you dont get the hint. what the fuck do i have to do? okay that didnt help my mood at all. i guess i'll go make some chocolate milk or something.

craving

but its all good. dont know when i'll have free time since work takes up my life. but no work tomorrow and monday! except i have some family thing tomorrow...idk if i should invite cody. i dont think he wants to meet my crazy family. birthday in eight days! dont really have anything in mind though. i feel bad getting presents since my family just threw down a bunch of cash for graduation. but i want the atmosphere cd. and ummm maybe some movies like Candy or The Notebook and I would give ANYTHING if someone got me the movie live freaky, die freaky....but that movie is ridiculously hard to find. and i really really wanna go to disneyland with my boyfriend because that would be super cute <3 soooo anyways, i graduated and wow the whole ceremony and eerything was so surreal. its hard focusing on the little details that happened because it went by so fast. i remember almost crying at least five times, i remember holding stephs hand, i remember making a new friend named armando who sat next to me during the ceremony, i remember seeing mrs alcott and almost crying because i'll probably never talk to her again, i remember hearing jerry scream i love you brandi! i remember cagley looking at me and saying wow... and i remember trying to find my family afterwards. it seemed like the whole thing was only five minutes long. i also remember being unbelieveably happy. and then i got to hang out with my friends and they all toasted me and almost made me cry again. especially cody. but ah. now im out of high school and have to be a big kid now :/ and now i have to rush out the door for work. lameeeee.

like water flowing into lungs, i am flowing through these days

i cannot recall a moment in my life where i was happier than i am now. it's pretty hard. the only way for my life to be perfect right now would be if i had a stable best friend but i currently am working on that :) i've got a yob, i'm about to graduate, i'm in love, and i've got an amazing summer approaching. life is pretty much good. and yesterday was my last friday of high school and it could not have been better. it was bittersweet. i experienced so many emotions yesterday it's incomprehensible. i cried during second and third and almost fourth. first off, during second we're giving farewell speeches in english and spencer gave his and it just hit me then that the last time i see him might be on monday. i've known spence since elementery school and we were best friends in 6th grade and he's one of the funniest and most sincere people i know, and now i might not ever see him again :/ then during third i read what steph had signed in my yearbook and i started crying. she pretty much spilled her heart out about our whole friendship drifting apart and it made me miss her so much. i am going to do whatever i can to keep that girl. she's my best friend. mmkay then fourth period i hung out with cody and he showed me what karrin had written in his yearbook (a page and a half of her undying love for him pretty much). yeah...wow. i was at a loss for words. i don't know how anyone can do such a thing like that. umm hello he has a girlfriend. fuckennnnnnn shit. like seriously, i've been with him for FOUR MONTHS and some ho tries to tell MY boyfriend how much she loves him. go tell your toilet how much you love it you bulimic bitch. talk about not having any morals. ah wow sorry i'm in a bad mood now :/ well anyways...after school i went over to cody's and his mommy came home and bought me some shirts and i love them a lot in fact i'm wearing one right now :) and then...yeah :) like...yeah. :D mm i'm sooo happy. last night was truly truly amazing. it was so much better than i had expected. <33333333333333333333333333333333

yousahoe

gawwdddammn this weekend has gone by so slow. maybe because i can't see cody or talk to him at all. :( boo for grounding. i don't even know why he got grounded or how his mom found out about anything. i saw the strangers on friday and couldnt text him during the night while i stayed up because i was too scared to go to sleep :/ yesterday at the block EVERYTHING reminded me of him. the guy working the Vans store looked like him, some guy walked by smelling like him and all these little things reminded me of him like the shirt someone wore or a tall person or even the simple sound of a skateboard. you have no idea how badly im looking forward to going to school tomorrow to see him. that boy...<3 mmm so only six days of school left for me. yay. i gotta get college shit finalized though. i think im getting sick. my throat feels like ive been screaming for a really long time. and i have a bit of a cough. fuckkk. i cant get sick this week. or next week especially. i probably should be doing sketches right now for art but im trying to upload a super cute picture and this computer is being tooooooo slow. shoot me.

james franco

haven't written here in a while... haven't even been on the internet lately. it's fucking freezing. todays friday...not much planned. i guess victoria has some patron (spelling?)...ehhhh. so i'll probably go hang out with her since codys going over to vinces. i just want to stay home and watch movies. and put on codys socks because they keep my feet warm..ooh that gave me a good idea...hold on...ah now my feet are warm :) idk if i should drink tonight though because i have to wake up at seven tomorrow to get my hair done. and chase comes back tomorrow so yay!! umm well damion texted me today :/ its weird because i KNOW he still has feelings and hes married. and then it seems like luc still has a thing for me...and last week when fresno came back down he kept calling me babe and staring at me. fuuuuuuuuuck. oh well. on a happier note...i could not be any happier :) <33333333333 ajsfdjksdhsahashashkskhkahkahjaakka :))))))))) hahaha. three day weekend and its cold out wtf. im not gonna want to go out if its like this all weekend. only twenty days and im out of school. yay. i wanna go to disneyland. and the zoo. sooooooooo freakin bad. and i want to get dressed up and go out. fucken cold go awayyyyyyyy

for once

i was going to start off talking about something other than my boyfriend. but i totally forgot what i was going to say. hopefully it hits me. but i doubt it because i'm so tired. i should take a shower tonight but i think im gonna take one in the morning instead. its really hot in my room. i dont even wanna put on pajamas. ah i have the window open and i can smell someone cooking hot dogs. that smell always makes me sick. probably because i was around hot dogs all summer for two years straight working for the flyers. idk if i'll have that job again this summer. i super hope so. so the 31st of this month will be my two year anniversary of being vegetarian. it may not seem like a long time but it is for me. i wish i knew about the cruelty of the animal industry earlier though so i could have gone veg in elementary school haha. less than a month of school left, i should start failing all my classes now so i can stay another year. yeah right. fuck that. its only tuesday :/ the weekend is so far away. i dont know what im looking forward to though because who knows what will happen this weekend. hopefully we go to that crystal cove place or whatever. that sounds really really fun. fresnos coming down i guess?? hopefully its not awkward. fuck why do guys have to make everything awkward. whateverrrr. ahhh its so hard not typing about cody. i want to so bad. but i feel like thats all i talk about. in everything i write hes there. well i cant help it if hes pretty much the only thing on my mind. um um um HOUSE was amazing last night. next week will be amazing too. something to look forward to. yay. goodnight.

hes perfect for me

but can i be perfect for him? i try. i really do. every day with him gets better and better <3 i have never ever been this happy with someone. and it feels amazing. its almost midnight haha. but i cant sleep. i took a nap with cody today..for about a half hour, i think he slept for an hour though. he's cute when he sleeps. today was fun. yesterday was fun too...well sorta. kinda had some drama but whatev. took a taxi home at 2:30 in the morning...that was interesting. fucken jamie thought we were gonna have the cash cab hahahahahahaha. i cant wait for this weekend, i really hope its fun. so i've come to terms with accepting davey havoks gayness. its kind of depressing because i liked him so much. but then i saw him in the new revolver magazine and lost pretty much all attraction for him. his hairs so short and he dresses pretty fairyish haha. wow i cant believe what i'm typing. what happened to sing the sorrow davey? bring him back!!! well i'll always have a thing for davey i guess but it wont be the same. hes still that vegan, straight-edge, amazing lyricist he's always been but jeffree star threw his fairy dust all over him and turned him fag :( so fuck you j star! and if you're at the breathe carolina show imma throw my shoe at your fake vagina. i really need to try to sleep. gotta wake up early tomorrow for school. and see cody :)

ily

i said it last night. the three words that i've kept behind my lips for so long. i finally told him. and it felt amazing. he's amazing. i keep replaying the scene in my head. i can't believe he feels the same way. ahhhhhhhhh i feel so relieved. yesterday was such a good day :) i got to school early so that meant more time to spend with cody before going to boringassstudyhall, then after first i talked to steph and matt, second period i started on my valedictory speech for the class, third period i sat and ate a bunch of food with jamie, break with cody :), fourth mr. secoda gave me the answers to the test and caitlin made me cry haha, fifth art with huntie and brian and basically doing nothing, lunch with sexy boyfriend, then sixth with mindy and jarvis..and after school i went over to kurts with cody and jamal. well there was kind of a fight with me jamie and kurt but whateverrrrrrr. and then later that night i went back out with everyone and drank some bacardi and shasta. pretty gross but whatev. it was super fun. the only bad thing is how jamie thinks i'm a slut. which is pretty retarded since she's done so much worse than i have. i don't need my parents thinking badly of me but she's making them do just that by telling them i fuck my boyfriend on kurts floor all the time which is the biggest lie ever. my goodness jamie, if mom knew half the shit you've done with kurt....ahh whatever. i just discovered a new band called attack attack! and i think i love em already. it's like blessthefall with electronica. i probably should go shower since i'm going out later tonight. im kinda bummed i missed the audacity show last night :/ hopefully they play in fullerton again real soon. only like twenty days of school left and it's got me thinking soooo much. i know i'm going to be crying the whole last week probably. i've grown up with half these kids and knowing that i probably wont see a lot of them after graduation kills me. friendships are hard to keep after high school. one of my first closest friends, caitlin, will be going away to san francisco for college and i'm going to miss her so much. we just started becoming close again this year and now she's going to be gone soon. high school is GAY.

lawnmower

codys pushing one right now. ughhh jamie and kurt are fighting...again. its pretty annoying. i think this is like their eighth time going out...? whatever. market tonight. i'm excited. not really, markets are pretty lame lately. but i want an icee. and maybe a crepe? idk though. im kinda becoming friends with bre again but idk if i can trust her. im not so sure that she just wants to be friends with cody. so we'll see.....

sammadick

i got a new phone yay! gahhh im way too tired to write, so fuck.
saturday night was pretty amazing.
boyfriend is amazing.
goodnight.

i'll stand forever and love whatever breaks my heart

last night was sooooooooooooooooo much fun. i feel like i start a lot of my blogs like this haha. deal with it. double date to the movies. saw harold and kumar 2. pretty funny movie. then we got ice cream. and then almost got jumped by some assholes that take tagging wayyy too seriously. fucken retards i swear. then we all went back to cody's house and watched randall play gta4. and jamie and i left around oneish. and my boyfriend is so fucking cute :) and all these bitches want him and it gets me so mad :/ i feel threatened. i can name five hoes off the top of my head that want him... what happened to having respect? why don't girls care anymore if a guy is in a relationship or not? if a guy has a girlfriend back the fuck off. how hard is that? jfjaljsajsdjaasfsjsskkskfslksjsashshahaassholebitch soooo steph and i are officially walking together for graduation :) that makes me happy. i love that girl. jamie and kurt are back. yay? i hope. sleepover tonight...? i dont know. i wish.

<3

go to bed

today was funnnnnn :) that's why tuesdays are fun tuesdays. too bad HOUSE is on mondays now. but i would have missed it tonight if that was the case. i spent pretty much all day with my bf :) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yep. kurt had to go and be an asshole though :/ but really what's new there. we went to olive garden for dinner tonight...a double date i guess even though kurts parents and sister were there too. i really really want to get mushy and cute right now and write about all the cute stuff that happened today. but i'll refrain. i'm falling hard. good news i have a walking partner for graduation and it's steph! yay! one less stress! we talked for an hour tonight. it felt really good to talk to her. hopefully i can hang out with her this weekend. and hopefully i get a new phone super super soon. i really wanna text. mm so i read a text from bre to cody and it kinda got me mad that she would tell him she loves him but whateverrrrrr. he's not saying it back so i'm not gonna stress. ditched first and second today. gta4 came out and i want it badly. i need to think of what i want for my birthday...cody's already asking me what i want...even though my birthday isn't until june...but that's like a month and a half away i guess. fuck i'm hungry again. and i ate a lot at olive garden tonight...so wtf. i need to take a shower but i smell like my boyfriend so i don't want to :/ ah oh well. fuck it's late.

went to a party last night. saw my bf. i actually approached him and talked to him. yepppp. well i avoided him until jake-izzle my nizzle came over to me and told me that cody wanted me to go say hi to him. so i went over and it was kinda awkward at first but that was probably my fault since i make things awkward all the time. i dont really need to go into details about everything but basically he apologized and wanted to talk to me more about but had to leave. i was supposed to go over to kurts house and stay the night with him but my dad said no and had to be an asshole and say that it wasn't morally right that we stayed the night but whatever he's let us go before which is what i dont understand but gahhhh fuck him. there's always tonight...i hope. and then i can finally talk to my boyfriend and find out what's up. except last night when he was saying sorry and stuff he was drunk..so will tonight be different when he's sober? will he go back to ignoring me? or will he remember everything he said last night? i'll just have to wait and see. so last night at that party i got hit on soooooooo many times it was gross. there was like a 10:1 ratio for guys to girls. fucken sausage fest. and even my friends were hitting on me! my guy friends that KNEW i had a boyfriend and they were totally trying to get with me. one of them even tried to kiss me and kept putting his hands on me. those were my boyfriends friends and they were trying to get with me! wtf. it was horrible. i saw a few friends completely wasted and it made me feel so much better about staying sober. i saw my friends getting groped by guys they didn't know and being taken advantage of because they were drunk and it was pathetic. but they put themselves in that position...a sort of competition between them to see who could get more fucked up. wow. lame.

did you forget me?

apparently. are we still together? ksajksajkjsaskdsakhshhdshshjssah yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh nothing like feeling invisible. so i understand you're stubborn and so am i. but we both know something's wrong. so why can't we approach each other and just talk about it? how long will we drag this out? i have so much to say yet every time i get around you i freeze up. i avoid you. or you avoid me. and things definately are not the same anymore. maybe you just need your space, maybe i'm boring, maybe you've found someone better...just please tell me. i know i worry too much. ever since i was little i have constantly worried over the slightest things. it's just how i am. i'm sorry. i have a million things running through my head right now but i don't know what else to say.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

what the fuck? ah. what's so great about her? is it because she's more hardcore than i am? is it because she listens to the same music as you? is it because she's more experienced than i am? because she's more willing to touch your dick? think i'm jealous much? yeah deff. put yourself in my position: go over to kurts house to hang out with your boyfriend and he spends all of his time in the other room with kurts sister talking to her. how do you expect me to feel? am i dwelling too much on this? should i just blow it off? it's hard. i want things to go back to normal. i just don't know how to make it happen. and then i feel all this pressure that i have to satisfy my boyfriend. according to a certain someone i dont make my boyfriend happy because i can't satisfy him. fuckkkk. excuse me for not jumping on your dick every chance i get maybe i just want to spend time with you. i hate feeling rushed. i dont want to move too fast. but whatever if it's what he wants then i'll do it. i feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo threatened and i hate it. because it causes me to analyze all my flaws and compare myself to her and fucken stress out like a mofugga not like i dont have enough stress as it is. but all of that shit was talked about in the last blog. yeah i've got a research project due this week, i have to give some speech in english and i hate speaking in front of people, i've got to pay for grad night, senior breakfast, a new phone, possibly prom.........idk if i'm still going though, and all this other crap. i've got to make sure my grades stay up before graduation. i've got to mail in my transcripts. i've got to finalize this stupid college crap. oh yeah and i have to make sure i have someone to walk with for graduation...which seems nearly impossible because i spent my senior year growing apart from all my senior friends rather than growing closer. and i'm sure steph is walking with amanda :(
so sorry if i seem distant lately, i have way too much on my plate. i really want everything to work out though :/
i just really don't want to lose.....

sorebutt

i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stressed right now. there are so many things going on right now. prom, graduation, projects due, college shit, senior crap, drama in the group crap, phone broken, etc. ugh and i kinda dropped a friend this weekend. and some people are telling me i'm being too clingy and others are saying i'm not spending enough time with my boyfriend and i don't know what to do. because i dont want to make the wrong decision and lose him. and prom is fucking stressing me out because idk if i even want to go anymore. i'm just worried cody wont have fun. and my friend invited me to go with her group of twenty people but they want to go to after parties and such after and i dont drink and i dont want to go with a big group. and this weekend was stupid. people exaggerated things to make me think the worst in the situation and i started crying and yeah. fuck. last month was so much better. i hate april i hope may is better. the fantastic four might be getting back together. no not the movie, me cody kurt and jamie. sleepover this weekend? idkkkkkkkkkkkk. idk idk idk idk. senior meeting tomorrow. more stress. english project due soon. even more stress. i think my ear is getting infected :/ more more stress. trying to keep everyone happy. super super stressful. ahh i need sleep. and a new phone so i can text. i can only hope things will improve.

better.

i saw cody on sunday. i was so scared to approach him i really thought he was upset with me. but it turns out he wasn't. things are apparently back to normal. it's kind of hard adjusting though because i was so upset and now everything is all happy again. but whatevaaaaaaa i get to spend time with my boyfriend. i asked him to prom :) well it was more like a "you should go to prom with me" haha. he hates dances. i'll try my best that night to make sure he's having fun. we dont have to dance. i'll eat the whole night i dont care haha. i just want to be with him. thats it. he's a cutie. yes he is. here i go getting all mushy again. fuck that haha. fuck boys that still ask for nudes. no means no. shiiiiittt. what more do i have to say to you??? oh well. short blog today i guess. i took a nap. now i cant sleep. and its almost 11. school tomorrow. prom assembly. fun tuesday. cant wait until thursday market. kittens went missing. that will make no sense. dont even bother. i want a bunny. okay now i'm rambling. i should have taken an earlier nap. fuckkkk stop texting me i'm not gonna show you my goods!!! go fuck your girlfriend. mmmkayyyy byeeeeeee. ah luc just texted me. not even gonna go there.....

run

to think i might not see those eyes
makes it so hard not to cry
and as we say our long goodbyes
i nearly do

light up light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear


OMG so last night i cried for like twenty minutes straight. i don't know what i did. apparently i was "too clingy" but i know i wasn't. i've probably spent a total of five hours with my boyfriend this entire spring break so i dont see where i come off as being clingy. so yesterday i went to the market and expected to hang out with my boyfriend but he was at the mall and that was fine because i would see him when he got back. so he gets back and i see him and i say hi and we kiss and it seems like everything is fine. and cody and i flirted for a bit and i was so happy because it just seemed like everything was good. then jamie and i left to pee and i came back and cody wasn't there so i called him and met up with him at mcdonalds. and all of a sudden it seemed like everything was different. he just went outside and sat. no flirting no talking i dont even think we made eye contact. well then after mcdonalds kurt offers to let jamie and i walk with him and cody to kurts house so i can spend some time with cody before he leaves to san francisco with kurt the next day (today) and the whole walk to kurt's house we dont even talk we dont walk next to each other its like we dont even know each other. its awkward as fuck and in the meantime i'm stressing out almost on the verge of tears because my boyfriend wont talk to me and i dont know what i did to get ignored. but it gets worse. so kurt drives jamie and i over to where everyone is hanging out so he can drop us off and the whole car ride cody just looks out the window he won't even hold my hand he won't put his arm around me it's like he's the only one in the backseat. and when we get dropped off i look over at him and i said bye and he just looked out the window. he didn't even say goodbye to me. and at that point i lost it. i could not stop crying. thomas called kurt and wanted to talk to cody but i guess cody was busy. i messaged kurt when i got home and he told me i was being clingy. what the fuck. so yeah i had mascara running down my face and i looked like shit. and i almost had a panic attack i was shaking. i dont know what i did for him to ignore me like this. he's in san francisco right now and i won't see him until sunday or monday. which means our two month anniversary tomorrow wont even be spent together. not like it's a big deal or anything. so another thing: last night kurt told me his sister tried to get with cody...and apparently she told kurt cody tried to get with her. maybe thats why cody has been ignoring me because he thinks im mad at him or he feels guilty. honestly: i don't care if he cheated on me. i just want him. i dont want to lose him. i can't handle that. he's such a good person and i can't lose him. i would die. this morning i woke up feeling like shit. i almost threw up. this is more than i can handle. what happened to my cute boyfriend? he stays the whole week at kurts house and all of a sudden he's changed and he wont even talk to me. it's killing me inside. i dont know what will happen next time i see him. i'm so scared. the next few days are going to kill me. unless he texts me. but i doubt that. since he cant even look at me why would he want to talk to me? omgggggggggggggggggggggg what did i do?????? how did this happen? :(

spring break

has been pretty lame. i can't lie. it's not how i expected it to go at all. my boyfriend has spent the whole week at kurts house and i can't even hang out with kurt because i'm always with jamie. therefore i dont get to see cody as much as i would like. sucks. and last night kurt guilt tripped me into thinking i ditched my boyfriend to hang out with jasmin and all of them... but i didn't ditch cody. we never made plans to hang out. i wanted to see him. i really really really did. but i was told by kurt not to leave jamie with jasmin and them and that's who i was hanging out with so i couldn't leave her and meet up with cody and everyone and knowing kurt he would probably have another excuse for me to not hang out with them. I JUST WANT TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND!!! fuckkkk. and hopefully kurt and his posse come to the market tonight so i can see cody. i'm so frustrated right now and i really want someone to talk to. maybe hunter, i tried talking to him last night but he was drunk :/ i need more sober friends. saturday will be mine and cody's two months so i better get to hang out with him that day. or i'll rip someone's throat out. i have this awful feeling that things aren't right. but i get like this with every boy. it's so hard to think positive when there's so much negative drama going on around me. well tomorrow i'm going to the mall to pick out a prom dress. i haven't even asked him to prom yet though, i know he hates dances :/ but it's my last dance of high school and i really want to go. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i feel like throwing up. i hate being in the middle of things. i just want to go to the market tonight and get the biggest icee ever made and eat it all. sour apple and vanilla. mmmmmmmmmm :) and hopefully kerensa goes because she seems really nice and our group needs better influences. no offense but i can't stand having immature freshman in it. and i really really want to see steph soon. she would probably make me feel better about everything. my spring break has been so jaksjfkajajalajafhfsfhhaaaa and honestly i dont see it improving any time soon. i have so much expectations. but whatever. this is what i get for hanging out with people younger than me :/

impatient

waiting to go over to codys to hang out and possibly help with his project. but idkkkk. hes still hanging out with his friends so i dont know when ill be able to go over to his house. hopefully soon.

mmkay so a few days ago someone asked me if i would cheat on my bf with them. this person has a gf too. what the hell? i didnt even have to think about the answer. its a definate no. why would i ever cheat? there's noone better than who i'm with right now. i used to be one of those people who cheated. actually i was more the girl that all the boys cheated on their gfs with. gahhh. but thats a different book. point being: dont try to get me to cheat on my bf. because i wont. davey havok could walk into my room naked right now and i wouldn't bang him. as difficult as that may be. there's no way i would be able to live with the guilt of hurting one of the people i care about most. now if i had a bf like kurt...i might be more prone to giving in to the cheat demon. no offense kurtiss. and im not saying jamie would cheat on you!! she never ever would. not after what happened with the whole andrew situation. mmm yeah stop aking me for nudes too. you aint gonna see me naked. do i have to use every excuse in the book to get it into your head that im not gonna show you my goods? and you have a girlfriend!! go look at her naked. i just wanted to talk with you and be friendly. but i guess you had different motives. whatevaaaaaaaaaa

so im in a pretty bad mood because people who say they wont drink anymore end up breaking their promises. people are so pathetic. my friend txted me this morning and she was already drunk........gayyyyyy!! she got drunk at eight in the morning. wow. im still pretty upset with her. im upset at a lot of things right now. like super frustrated. so frustrated i cant even think straight :/

sleep

sounds so good right now. but i havent typed here in a while and i feel like i need to. i dont know where to begin though. i guess i'll just start typing whatever comes into my head first. you have no idea how close i've come to uttering those words....it's so hard to hold it in. i want to tell you so bad. but i'll wait for you. you just texted me :) and you make me smile. honestly....i feel myself melt beside you. and i try to give you your space because im afraid to smother you. so please dont get the wrong idea :) you really mean a lot to me.
mm so today mindy asked me if i had a best friend. and i thought about it...and i dont. unless you count jamie. but she doesnt count. shes family. i used to have a best friend. i used to have a really good one in the summer and before then, but then senior year came and schedules got busy and i dont know what happened we drifted. then i got another best friend in december but then i kissed her ex and she dropped me as a friend. so if you ask me, i dont have a best friend. i think i have closer guy friends than girl friends.
another thing. fjkajksjkjajakja. yep. idk i have this weird feeling. its really hard to explain. i know what it is though. i dont know what to do about it though. i really wish i could explain but i cant.
theres probably so much more i'm leaving out but it's late and i must go to sleep so i can wake up early tomorrow and get ready before bre comes over.

pathetic

drunken actions are sober thoughts. so when you tell me about how you got drunk last night and were screaming about how i stole your boyfriend and how you wish i was dead and how you want him back how do you expect me to feel? we were just getting back to normal and then you tell me that :/ ahh i just wanted my friend back and i was so happy and then you had to tell me that. i dont want to hurt you so i should just get out of your life for good if it upsets you that much to see me with your ex boyfriend.
well yesterday was such an amazing day. i got to kiss my boyfriend after a week of not being able to!! ahhh i walked to first with the fattest smile on my face. it was sooooo cute! before first i hugged him goodbye and went to walk away and then he was all "FUCK THIS!" and he grabbed my face and kissed me and it made me sooooooooo happy :) woooooo!!!!!!! i think i almost cried when it happened. and thennnnnn after first i saw my sunshine and during second chanet and zack made me laugh the whole time then we got out early of second and i saw my sunshine again and then i got to kiss my boyfriend some more and then i saw my sunshine for a third time and then i worked on my page for yearbook and got quotes and then i saw my boyfriend at break and then i got to listen to my ipod for all of fourth and do nothing and then i saw cody and then art was fun because i got my spirit animal (a bear) and i pretty much did nothing then lunch with cody and everyone and then 6th period we watched "A Knight's Tale" with Heath Ledger :) and then after school i hung out with cody until 11 <333 and we did poo dollars and watched a million cops search for this guy and had fun in kurts room. yeahhhhh. woo fun friday!!!
i wish i could go to bamboozle left. almost every single one of my bands is playing. chiodos!!! ah! blaqk audio (AKA DAVEY HAVOK!!! <3333)!!! breathe carolina <33 fuck its like they made a concert for me.
my ears are sore. fucken 2s.
i get to see my papa and grandma tomorrow. yay
bonfire tonight? idk. maybe.
one week until spring break.